Rooney's New Book

(This was first posted in April 2008)

The following is an excerpt from Wayne Rooney's forthcoming autobiography that he is contractually obliged to release whenever there is a summer tournament.

"We were there, all we had to do was hold on for the draw. I think in our hearts we all knew we hadn't played well but it was the result that mattered.

Then up popped Petric in the 77th minute and broke all our hearts. The lads were devastated. David Beckham was so upset he went straight out after the game and bought himself a Bentley. Bentley was so upset that he went out and bought Peckham. He doesn't earn as much as David see so he couldn't afford anything flash.

Me, I was angry. Angry at myself, if only I'd scored more goals, angry at Carson for making that blunder and angry at the team for not being as good as Man Utd and therefore not hiding my deficiencies as much. I was so angry I wanted to stomp some balls.

And where the hell is Croatia anyway? I mean, I know it's in Europe because the game was for the European Championships but what part is it in? France? Russia? And why do there names all end in 'ic'? Modric, Petric, Pranjic, Bilic all ic. I've just asked Coleen and she said "I'll give you the itch if you don't leave me alone while I'm writing." She's writing another autobiography too, it's called Coleen 2: This Time It's Personal Shopping. She's always so busy now it just makes me mad. So mad that I want to stomp some balls.

So this summer I'll have to find something else to do. Last year Ronaldo took me to Portugal to meet his family. I love Ronaldo. I hate him. I love him.

He took me to a farm where we had to try and hit a cow's backside with a banjo. I managed it four out of ten times but Ronaldo never seemed to miss so no one noticed how many mistakes I made. God I love him. But I hate him. He makes me so confused I want to stomp his balls."