Chris Kiwomya signed for Arsenal in 1995 making him one of George Graham's last signings for the club. This puts him in an illustrious list including John Hartson and Glenn Helder.
He had previously played for Ipswich where he had scored at a rate of about one goal every four games. This mediocre record belied his actual ability. He was much worse than it suggests.
Little is known of Kiwomya's upbringing other than that he was born in Yorkshire in 1969. The son of two hippies his real name is Woodstock Enlightenment Freelove Earth-Mother Kiwomya. However, he successfully divorced his parents at the age of 4 and legally changed it to Chris.
He then moved to his strict Grandmother's house in Ipswich, where he was forced to wear lederhosen at all times except when he was playing sports. Despite no natural talent and no real burning desire for the game, Chris spent much of his youth playing football to avoid his Grandmother's penchant for traditional German dress. He did however develop a startling addiction to bratwurst.
He was snapped up at a young age by Ipswich Town, who didn't have a scouting network but instead relied on straw-chewing farmers saying "Ooh arr, he looks a bit good this lad."
After leaving Arsenal in 1998, inexplicably unable to displace Ian Wright and Dennis Bergkamp in the first team despite scoring three whole goals for the club, Kiwomya played in France and Malaysia before returning to England for QPR. His uncanny knack for not scoring many goals remaining constant throughout his career.
Chris Kiwomya has since become a recluse, however legend has it that if you leave a German sausage on your doorstep at night you may just catch a glimpse of him as he gobbles it down in one go before heading off back to his hovel in the mountains.
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