My All Time Man Utd XI

GK: Massimo Taibi - You know you're a bad goalie when you make a nazi-saluting, coke addled Australian look good.

LB: Lee Martin - To score the winning goal in an FA Cup final and still sink into obscurity just smacks of carelessness to me.

RB: Clayton Blackmore - If he was as good as his name he'd've been rubbish. But he couldn't even reach those lowly heights.

CB: David May - But he probably wont.

CB: William Prunier - Managed two whole games for the club. One of them a 4-1 defeat to Spurs. Says it all really.

LM: Jordi Cruyff - Living up to his father was always going to be difficult so Jordi instantly removed the Cruyff from his shirt. He fooled no one. Least of the defenders he was up against.

RM: Karel Poborsky - Scored a cracking goal in the European Championships, but if John Jensen has taught us anything it's that one Euro goal does not a good player make.

CM: Kleberson - Rumour has it Fergie was after another player with the same name. If I was about to spend £6m I'd check the guy could kick a ball first.

CM: Eric Djemba-Djemba - If you've got the same name twice people are going to pay attention to you. Try and make sure you can play football then.

CF: David Bellion - He was poor at Sunderland. Why would that make him good at Man Utd?

CF: Diego Forlan - No matter how many times he scored against Liverpool he was still cack.

My All-Time Spurs XI

GK: Bobby Mimms

Although generally second choice at White Hart Lane, Bobby was the kind of keeper who always got his hands to the ball. Generally when picking it out of the back of the net.

RB: Dean Austin

Voted in the top 50 worst Premiership players, the Austinator as he was known to no one lost his place to Stephen Carr. Frankly he could've lost his place to Alan Carr and it would've been an improvement.

LB: Ben Thatcher

When he wasn't playing well Thatcher resorted to violence. That was pretty much every match.

CB: Ramon Vega

Alan Sugar was always wary of signing any old Carlos Kickaball. He should've been more wary of Ramon 'Kickaballintomyowngoal' Vega. Vega has recently set up his own soccer school. Bet that's popular.

CB: Gary Doherty

Equally cack in defence as attack, Gary was instrumental in keeping Spurs mediocre all through his time at the club.

RM: Andy Sinton

Signed as part of Gerry Francis' campaign to bring every winger in the world to Tottenham, Sinton was picked by Graham Taylor to play for England. But then so was Carlton Palmer.

LM: Andy Reid

The only player to play for Tottenham that was fatter than Gazza.

CM: Steffen Freund

You thought John Jensen's goal scoring record was bad. Steffen's was worse.

CM: Paul Stewart

Here for his hair more than anything else. If it looks like Tom Jones's merkin shave it off, Paul.

CF: Chris Armstrong

Fighting off strong competition from the likes of Rebrov and Iversen, Armstrong makes it into this team due to his complete inability to step up to top level football. And his penchant for weed.

CF: Ronny Rosenthal

Son of Jim, Ronny showed an uncanny ability to miss from anywhere. Even 4 yards out. Regularly.