Augustus "Gus" Caesar was born in Tottenham in 1966, proving that nothing good ever comes out of Tottenham, and that 1966 wasn't such a good year for English football after all.
Caesar could play both at full back or in central defence, although 'play' is somewhat of an overstatement.
Little is known of young Augustus's youth other than the fact that until the age of 12 he was convinced he was the reincarnation of his Roman Emperor namesake. He was taken by his worried parents to various medical professionals, quacks and charlatans but none of them could shake young Gus's convinction that he was the living embodiment of such an important historical figure.
One day in the late seventies however a mystical shaman came to Tottenham and spotted Caesar organising the village nerds into a precise re-enactment of the original Augustus's successful campaigns in Northern Hispania. The shaman walked up to Gus and whispered something in his ear. Gus Caesar rubbed his eyes and walked off to play football with the cool kids.
He was soon snapped up by Arsenal - who really should've known better - where, despite training under George Graham and alongside Tony Adams and Martin Keown, Caesar never mastered the art of defence. Or in fact any of the basic skills that could've convinced anyone that he was going to become a professional footballer.
Nowadays Gus Caesar can be found back in his native Tottenham with the Roman Re-enactment Society, mumbling under is breath 'Rome is cool, football is for weirdos. Rome is cool, football is for weirdos.' If questioned about his infamous miskick in 1988 he will turn and scream at the questioner "I'M NOT A WEIRDO!" Before going back to his mumbled mantra and painting the die-cast legionaries he prides over any medals he could of won playing football.
Showing posts with label Footballing Heroes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Footballing Heroes. Show all posts
Tuesday, 4 November 2008
Wednesday, 29 October 2008
Footballing Heroes: Richard Wright
Richard Wright was born in Ipswich in 1977 and signed for Arsenal in 2001 after a successful period at Ipswich Town.
Touted as the next David Seaman, Wright had to deal with a huge weight of expectation on his shoulders. It crushed him.
Little is known of Richard Wright's youth, other than the fact that he was the seventh son of a seventh son. This led many people to believe young Richard would grow up to have strong magical powers.
Living in Ipswich this superstition was treated as scientific fact and farmers would often bring their sick animals round for the baby Wright to heal. After five years if finally dawned on the farmers of Ipswich that none of their livestock had recovered after being touched by little Richard, apart from Mr Muggins' cow, but that had only had a little cough anyway and had probably cleared up naturally. They denounced the entire Wright family as black magicians and went back to using the local vet.
Richard, who was blissfully unaware of the stigma he had brought upon his family would often try to join in the football games the kids played at the local park. They would never let him participate. However, one day a child told him "Richard, we don't like you, you can't play. If you were tall at least we could stick you in goal, but we can't 'cos your a midget." That night the diminutive Richard miraculously grew two foot.
News of this 6ft seven-year-old soon reached Ipswich Town FC's scouts and they snapped him up immediately, figuring they could teach him how to play in goal. Despite his lack of ability the manager felt powerless to stop himself picking Wright for every game. No one could explain why. Even more mysteriously Wright then signed for Arsenal, Wright denies any use of witchcraft in engineering this move.
However, Richard Wright's seemingly magical powers of goalkeeping seemed to desert him at Arsenal, maybe it was the turn of the millenium or maybe David Seaman was a more powerful white witch, but whatever the reason Wright's abilities dwindled. The most likely scenario is that he was just plain rubbish.
Nowadays Richard Wright can be often found standing over a bubbling cauldron trying to get the exact ingredients to bring back his magical prowess. Little does he know that all he needs to add is the Premiership winners medal that he actually genuinely has and the spell will be complete.
Touted as the next David Seaman, Wright had to deal with a huge weight of expectation on his shoulders. It crushed him.
Little is known of Richard Wright's youth, other than the fact that he was the seventh son of a seventh son. This led many people to believe young Richard would grow up to have strong magical powers.
Living in Ipswich this superstition was treated as scientific fact and farmers would often bring their sick animals round for the baby Wright to heal. After five years if finally dawned on the farmers of Ipswich that none of their livestock had recovered after being touched by little Richard, apart from Mr Muggins' cow, but that had only had a little cough anyway and had probably cleared up naturally. They denounced the entire Wright family as black magicians and went back to using the local vet.
Richard, who was blissfully unaware of the stigma he had brought upon his family would often try to join in the football games the kids played at the local park. They would never let him participate. However, one day a child told him "Richard, we don't like you, you can't play. If you were tall at least we could stick you in goal, but we can't 'cos your a midget." That night the diminutive Richard miraculously grew two foot.
News of this 6ft seven-year-old soon reached Ipswich Town FC's scouts and they snapped him up immediately, figuring they could teach him how to play in goal. Despite his lack of ability the manager felt powerless to stop himself picking Wright for every game. No one could explain why. Even more mysteriously Wright then signed for Arsenal, Wright denies any use of witchcraft in engineering this move.
However, Richard Wright's seemingly magical powers of goalkeeping seemed to desert him at Arsenal, maybe it was the turn of the millenium or maybe David Seaman was a more powerful white witch, but whatever the reason Wright's abilities dwindled. The most likely scenario is that he was just plain rubbish.
Nowadays Richard Wright can be often found standing over a bubbling cauldron trying to get the exact ingredients to bring back his magical prowess. Little does he know that all he needs to add is the Premiership winners medal that he actually genuinely has and the spell will be complete.
Monday, 27 October 2008
Footballing Heroes: Eddie McGoldrick
Howling, prowling, roaring, scoring, steady Eddie McGoldrick signed for Arsenal in 1993 after a successful spell at Crystal Palace.
At Palace he became a crowd favourite for his sterling work on the wing. At Arsenal he didn't.
Little is known of McGoldrick's early life other than the fact that he was born in Islington in 1965. He spent much of his childhood in foster care before he was adopted at the age of 7 by a very caring London couple.
At the time of his adoption little Eddie had only the clothes on his back and a strange amulet that that had been left in his cot when he had been abandoned on the steps of the foster home. Despite his now settled home life and the huge amount of love bestowed on him by his adopted parents McGoldrick always felt something was lacking in his life.
To try and combat this Eddie took to playing football, and despite his obvious mediocrity he persevered with the game eventually being snapped up by Northampton before moving to Palace. While at Palace he won the Zenith Data Systems Cup. As he was given his winners medal he was suprised to notice that the shape of it exactly matched his childhood amulet. He looked into the eyes of the man presenting him with the medal. The likeness was uncanny, Eddie had found his long lost twin brother.
His twin brother told him how he had orchestrated McGoldrick's entire career. Which explained why he had managed to get a professional contract despite his lack of talent. As a final act of kindness his brother said he'd get him a transfer to any club he liked. McGoldrick chose Arsenal.
£2000 in George Graham's back pocket later and Eddie McGoldrick arrived. His brother however fled the country under mysterious circumstances.
Eddie McGoldrick now wanders the Earth looking for his brother again, cradling his Zenith Data Systems Medal alongside his precious amulet and the Cup Winners Cup medal that he also actually, genuinely has.
At Palace he became a crowd favourite for his sterling work on the wing. At Arsenal he didn't.
Little is known of McGoldrick's early life other than the fact that he was born in Islington in 1965. He spent much of his childhood in foster care before he was adopted at the age of 7 by a very caring London couple.
At the time of his adoption little Eddie had only the clothes on his back and a strange amulet that that had been left in his cot when he had been abandoned on the steps of the foster home. Despite his now settled home life and the huge amount of love bestowed on him by his adopted parents McGoldrick always felt something was lacking in his life.
To try and combat this Eddie took to playing football, and despite his obvious mediocrity he persevered with the game eventually being snapped up by Northampton before moving to Palace. While at Palace he won the Zenith Data Systems Cup. As he was given his winners medal he was suprised to notice that the shape of it exactly matched his childhood amulet. He looked into the eyes of the man presenting him with the medal. The likeness was uncanny, Eddie had found his long lost twin brother.
His twin brother told him how he had orchestrated McGoldrick's entire career. Which explained why he had managed to get a professional contract despite his lack of talent. As a final act of kindness his brother said he'd get him a transfer to any club he liked. McGoldrick chose Arsenal.
£2000 in George Graham's back pocket later and Eddie McGoldrick arrived. His brother however fled the country under mysterious circumstances.
Eddie McGoldrick now wanders the Earth looking for his brother again, cradling his Zenith Data Systems Medal alongside his precious amulet and the Cup Winners Cup medal that he also actually, genuinely has.
Saturday, 25 October 2008
Footballing Heroes: Pascal Cygan
Pascal Cygan was born in Lens in France in 1974 and signed for Arsenal in 2002. He came with high expectations having been voted the best defender in the French league the season before. These hopes were soon dashed.
Arsenal have a long history of fine centre backs. Pascal Cygan however is not part of it. Little is known of Cygan's early life other than he was the son of a fashion photographer. This meant that young Pascal spent much of his youth being dragged to fashion shows where he was fussed over by models and designers. His father would often allow him to be dressed in flamboyant clothes and have his long flowing locks tended to by the many equally flamboyant stylists. However, one day tragedy struck when in a terrible accident with hair straighteners and excessive bleach caused Pascal to lose all his hair.
Subsequently he was shunned by the fashion world and forced to go and play with the rough kids on the tough streets of Lens. At first they didn't want to accept this snappily dressed dandy into their games of football but slowly Cygan integrated himself by saying he was happy to play in defence. Being the first child in the history of the world who wasn't just forced to play there because he wasn't much good.
His rise throught the youth system was meteoric and he was soon playing professional football, however he would often suffer massive losses in concentration when his mind would wander to thoughts of what Sarah Jessica Parker was wearing in the previous episode of Sex and the City.
Since leaving Arsenal he moved to Villareal who thought they could stop his flights of girlish fantasy. They were wrong.
Nowadays Pascal Cygan can most often be found sitting at home trying to design an outfit that will go with the premiership medal that he actually genuinely has. He has some good ideas, if only he could find a wig that would match the sequins.
Arsenal have a long history of fine centre backs. Pascal Cygan however is not part of it. Little is known of Cygan's early life other than he was the son of a fashion photographer. This meant that young Pascal spent much of his youth being dragged to fashion shows where he was fussed over by models and designers. His father would often allow him to be dressed in flamboyant clothes and have his long flowing locks tended to by the many equally flamboyant stylists. However, one day tragedy struck when in a terrible accident with hair straighteners and excessive bleach caused Pascal to lose all his hair.
Subsequently he was shunned by the fashion world and forced to go and play with the rough kids on the tough streets of Lens. At first they didn't want to accept this snappily dressed dandy into their games of football but slowly Cygan integrated himself by saying he was happy to play in defence. Being the first child in the history of the world who wasn't just forced to play there because he wasn't much good.
His rise throught the youth system was meteoric and he was soon playing professional football, however he would often suffer massive losses in concentration when his mind would wander to thoughts of what Sarah Jessica Parker was wearing in the previous episode of Sex and the City.
Since leaving Arsenal he moved to Villareal who thought they could stop his flights of girlish fantasy. They were wrong.
Nowadays Pascal Cygan can most often be found sitting at home trying to design an outfit that will go with the premiership medal that he actually genuinely has. He has some good ideas, if only he could find a wig that would match the sequins.
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
Footballing Heroes: Francis 'Franny' Jeffers
Francis Jeffers signed for Arsenal in 2001 for £8m proving conclusively that sometimes Arsene doesn't know. The original 'fox in the box' Jeffers was signed because Henry wasn't a natural goalscorer. It turns out foxes aren't either.
Before signing for Arsenal he was the bright young hope at Everton. Although those were the days when hope and Everton were oxymorons.
Little is known of Jeffers upbringing in Liverpool other than the fact that he was found living in a quarry by a young child called Barney. The two embarked on many crazy adventures including despite Jeffers' inability to communicate in anything other than grunts and whistles.
His development was stunted because no one would believe Barney that the elusive young Francis was real and not just a figment of Barney's over-active imagination. Then one day one of Barney's friends kicked a football into the old quarry. Jeffers booted it straight back out again, missing the goal by inches.
This ability with a football earned him his first contract with Everton. He earned his nickname when after missing a goal his youth coach shouted "you complete Franny" at him. Though it's possible he misheard.
Since leaving Arsenal Jeffers has plied his trade at a variety of clubs, occasionally scoring goals along the way. He can most often be found nowadays back at his quarry drawing cave paintings on the wall recreating the goal scoring debut he made for England to obtain his one and only England cap that he actually, genuinely has.
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
Footballing Heroes: Chris Kiwomya
Chris Kiwomya signed for Arsenal in 1995 making him one of George Graham's last signings for the club. This puts him in an illustrious list including John Hartson and Glenn Helder.
He had previously played for Ipswich where he had scored at a rate of about one goal every four games. This mediocre record belied his actual ability. He was much worse than it suggests.
Little is known of Kiwomya's upbringing other than that he was born in Yorkshire in 1969. The son of two hippies his real name is Woodstock Enlightenment Freelove Earth-Mother Kiwomya. However, he successfully divorced his parents at the age of 4 and legally changed it to Chris.
He then moved to his strict Grandmother's house in Ipswich, where he was forced to wear lederhosen at all times except when he was playing sports. Despite no natural talent and no real burning desire for the game, Chris spent much of his youth playing football to avoid his Grandmother's penchant for traditional German dress. He did however develop a startling addiction to bratwurst.
He was snapped up at a young age by Ipswich Town, who didn't have a scouting network but instead relied on straw-chewing farmers saying "Ooh arr, he looks a bit good this lad."
After leaving Arsenal in 1998, inexplicably unable to displace Ian Wright and Dennis Bergkamp in the first team despite scoring three whole goals for the club, Kiwomya played in France and Malaysia before returning to England for QPR. His uncanny knack for not scoring many goals remaining constant throughout his career.
Chris Kiwomya has since become a recluse, however legend has it that if you leave a German sausage on your doorstep at night you may just catch a glimpse of him as he gobbles it down in one go before heading off back to his hovel in the mountains.
He had previously played for Ipswich where he had scored at a rate of about one goal every four games. This mediocre record belied his actual ability. He was much worse than it suggests.
Little is known of Kiwomya's upbringing other than that he was born in Yorkshire in 1969. The son of two hippies his real name is Woodstock Enlightenment Freelove Earth-Mother Kiwomya. However, he successfully divorced his parents at the age of 4 and legally changed it to Chris.
He then moved to his strict Grandmother's house in Ipswich, where he was forced to wear lederhosen at all times except when he was playing sports. Despite no natural talent and no real burning desire for the game, Chris spent much of his youth playing football to avoid his Grandmother's penchant for traditional German dress. He did however develop a startling addiction to bratwurst.
He was snapped up at a young age by Ipswich Town, who didn't have a scouting network but instead relied on straw-chewing farmers saying "Ooh arr, he looks a bit good this lad."
After leaving Arsenal in 1998, inexplicably unable to displace Ian Wright and Dennis Bergkamp in the first team despite scoring three whole goals for the club, Kiwomya played in France and Malaysia before returning to England for QPR. His uncanny knack for not scoring many goals remaining constant throughout his career.
Chris Kiwomya has since become a recluse, however legend has it that if you leave a German sausage on your doorstep at night you may just catch a glimpse of him as he gobbles it down in one go before heading off back to his hovel in the mountains.
Monday, 20 October 2008
Footballing Heroes: Igors Stepanovs (Previously Banned By The BBC)
Igors Stepanovs made his Arsenal debut in 2000 against Ipswich. A tall, commanding centre back was probably playing next to Stepanovs.
When he arrived at the club he was billed as the next Tony Adams. Presumably this comparison was made without seeing either Adams or Stepanovs play. Stepanovs appeared 17 times in an Arsenal shirt including the infamous 6-1 defeat to Manchester United. Not that any of the Man U players noticed he was there.
Little is known of Stepanovs' early life other than the fact that he was born in a town called Ogre in Latvia. Rumours that his mother was in fact an Ogre are unfounded. She was a troll. Nothing is known of his father although Stepanovs maintains that he was not called Billy, nor was he gruff and he certainly wasn't a goat. However, he concedes that his father probably did pay his toll to cross his mother's bridge in sexual favours.
Young Igors quickly took to the game of football, instantly making himself an outcast in ice hockey mad Latvia. His love of the game never faltered and he soon found himself the fourth best player for FC Skonto. This was no mean feat as at the time FC Skonto had a chicken, an ox and a totem pole on their books.
After leaving Arsenal the half-man half-troll hybrid defender went on to play for various lesser clubs across Europe. Stepanovs can now be found sharpening his teeth underneath bridges only letting people across if they can guess how many international caps he has. No one ever guesses 92 which is actually, genuinely how many he has. Thus Stepanovs never goes hungry.
When he arrived at the club he was billed as the next Tony Adams. Presumably this comparison was made without seeing either Adams or Stepanovs play. Stepanovs appeared 17 times in an Arsenal shirt including the infamous 6-1 defeat to Manchester United. Not that any of the Man U players noticed he was there.
Little is known of Stepanovs' early life other than the fact that he was born in a town called Ogre in Latvia. Rumours that his mother was in fact an Ogre are unfounded. She was a troll. Nothing is known of his father although Stepanovs maintains that he was not called Billy, nor was he gruff and he certainly wasn't a goat. However, he concedes that his father probably did pay his toll to cross his mother's bridge in sexual favours.
Young Igors quickly took to the game of football, instantly making himself an outcast in ice hockey mad Latvia. His love of the game never faltered and he soon found himself the fourth best player for FC Skonto. This was no mean feat as at the time FC Skonto had a chicken, an ox and a totem pole on their books.
After leaving Arsenal the half-man half-troll hybrid defender went on to play for various lesser clubs across Europe. Stepanovs can now be found sharpening his teeth underneath bridges only letting people across if they can guess how many international caps he has. No one ever guesses 92 which is actually, genuinely how many he has. Thus Stepanovs never goes hungry.
Thursday, 16 October 2008
Footballing Heroes: Nelson Vivas
Feisty Argentinian Nelson Vivas made his debut for Arsenal in 1998. His tenacious tackling, aggressive style and technical ability all conspired to make him a permanent fixture on the sub's bench.
He was a versatile defender who was equally shambolic on either side of the pitch. He provided such a strong back up to Lee Dixon and Nigel Winterburn that Wenger almost immediately signed Oleg Luzhny and Sylvinho to ensure he barely ever played for Arsenal.
Very little is known about Vivas's early life aside from the fact that he was born in Granadero Baigorria in Argentina. An unusually large child his parents made a living by putting him in a box and charging tourists to see him. He was known as the world's largest boy, however as he got older the lack of oxygen in his box stunted his growth and he only grew to 5 ft 5 in.
His parents then changed their pitch and advertised him as the worlds smallest defender. Despite never having played football they dressed young Nelson in an Argentina kit that they had exchanged with Diego Maradona for 8 grams of blow.
His parents' canny knack for a deal meant that in 1991 they sold him to Argentinian club Quilmes for three magic beans. Originally a mascot an injury crisis forced the marauding midget into the team. His lack of talent proved no hindrance to his career, even after his ineffective performances for Arsenal he went on to play for Inter Milan.
Now back in his native Argentina Nelson Vivas juggles his time between parading his now ancient and withering parents around his home town dressed in a variety of degrading and humiliating outfits and showing off the 39 international caps that he honestly actually has.
He was a versatile defender who was equally shambolic on either side of the pitch. He provided such a strong back up to Lee Dixon and Nigel Winterburn that Wenger almost immediately signed Oleg Luzhny and Sylvinho to ensure he barely ever played for Arsenal.
Very little is known about Vivas's early life aside from the fact that he was born in Granadero Baigorria in Argentina. An unusually large child his parents made a living by putting him in a box and charging tourists to see him. He was known as the world's largest boy, however as he got older the lack of oxygen in his box stunted his growth and he only grew to 5 ft 5 in.
His parents then changed their pitch and advertised him as the worlds smallest defender. Despite never having played football they dressed young Nelson in an Argentina kit that they had exchanged with Diego Maradona for 8 grams of blow.
His parents' canny knack for a deal meant that in 1991 they sold him to Argentinian club Quilmes for three magic beans. Originally a mascot an injury crisis forced the marauding midget into the team. His lack of talent proved no hindrance to his career, even after his ineffective performances for Arsenal he went on to play for Inter Milan.
Now back in his native Argentina Nelson Vivas juggles his time between parading his now ancient and withering parents around his home town dressed in a variety of degrading and humiliating outfits and showing off the 39 international caps that he honestly actually has.
Wednesday, 8 October 2008
Footballing Heroes: Glenn Helder
Glenn Helder made his debut for Arsenal in 1995 having previously played for various Dutch clubs. Like the vast majority of players signed from the Dutch League he was useless and couldn't score.
When he first arrived at Arsenal he was compared to the great Liam Brady but only because he was left footed and foreign. He is most noted for being George Graham's last signing as Arsenal manager which could feasibly be seen as an act akin to a captain smashing a hole in the hull of his own ship on his final voyage.
Very little is known of Helder's childhood aside from the fact that at the age of five he ran away to join the circus. Originally the circus folk pitted him against other runaway children in bare-knuckle fighting contests, however this was soon stopped after Helder showed an innate inability to ever actually land a punch on his opponent.
In his last fight he was put up against Raymond Van Braincrusher the 8 year old, 16 stone bare knuckle legend. Helder took one look at the giant gypsy and ran. Really, really fast. From then on his circus family would capture wild animals and place bets on which ones young Glenn was faster than. He outran a stoat, a fox, a wild boar, a rabid dog and a bull. However he did lose to a wolf which put an end to his races when he had to be rushed to hospital for severe bite wounds. He was taken into care which is where he learned how to play football.
After making only 27 appearances for the Gunners he was sold off when Arsene Wenger brought in Marc Overmars who not only could run really fast but could also play football.
Nowadays Helder scrapes a living by betting tourists to Amsterdam that he can outrun anything. Unfortunately this is not usually very impressive as his only competition tends to be naked hookers or stoned students. He can be easily identified as the man wearing the t-shirt saying 'I played for Holland' and wearing all four of the caps that he actually, genuinely got upon his head.
When he first arrived at Arsenal he was compared to the great Liam Brady but only because he was left footed and foreign. He is most noted for being George Graham's last signing as Arsenal manager which could feasibly be seen as an act akin to a captain smashing a hole in the hull of his own ship on his final voyage.
Very little is known of Helder's childhood aside from the fact that at the age of five he ran away to join the circus. Originally the circus folk pitted him against other runaway children in bare-knuckle fighting contests, however this was soon stopped after Helder showed an innate inability to ever actually land a punch on his opponent.
In his last fight he was put up against Raymond Van Braincrusher the 8 year old, 16 stone bare knuckle legend. Helder took one look at the giant gypsy and ran. Really, really fast. From then on his circus family would capture wild animals and place bets on which ones young Glenn was faster than. He outran a stoat, a fox, a wild boar, a rabid dog and a bull. However he did lose to a wolf which put an end to his races when he had to be rushed to hospital for severe bite wounds. He was taken into care which is where he learned how to play football.
After making only 27 appearances for the Gunners he was sold off when Arsene Wenger brought in Marc Overmars who not only could run really fast but could also play football.
Nowadays Helder scrapes a living by betting tourists to Amsterdam that he can outrun anything. Unfortunately this is not usually very impressive as his only competition tends to be naked hookers or stoned students. He can be easily identified as the man wearing the t-shirt saying 'I played for Holland' and wearing all four of the caps that he actually, genuinely got upon his head.
Footballing Heroes: Steve Morrow
Steve Morrow was born in 1970 in Belfast and made his debut for Arsenal in 1992. He was used mainly as a midfielder for Arsenal but was equally inept as a centre back and a full back.
He was often compared to George Best not for his silky skills, not for his ability to consume alcohol and certainly not for his looks. Actually he was never compared to Best, he was just from the same country.
Very little is known about Morrow's past other than his parents claimed they were the rightful heirs to the throne of Ireland. Prince Steve, as he was known growing up, was heralded as the man to join the two seperate Irish nations together crossing religious divides and creating a glorious single country. This didn't happen for many reasons the least of which being Morrow's complete lack of trying.
His regal roots did open many doors for him and at the age of 17 he was confronted with the choice of becoming a footballer or becoming a world famous sword swallower. He chose the sword swallowing route. However in a bizarre incident involving one of a flaming sword he lost most of his hair. This being the main point of strength of any king Morrow decided he would give up his right to the throne and became a footballer instead.
Steve Morrow is most well known for breaking his arm after scoring a goal in the league cup final, just one of the many ways Tony Adams has shown his worth to the club.
After Bruce Rioch put everyone out of their misery and stopped playing Morrow he moved to QPR where he was an instrumental part of their decline.
However while the rest of the players cried at being relegated Steve Morrow danced around the room waving his Cup Winners Cup medal (that he actually really does have) and screaming "I am the Prince of Ireland! Bow down before me!"
The QPR players then battered him into unconciousness, stuck him in a suitcase and left him at Heathrow. He eventually resurfaced in Dallas where he remains recreating his fall from Tony Adams's shoulders, while wearing a crown and swallowing a sword. This daft act earned him the position of head coach of FC Dallas. Crazy Yanks.
He was often compared to George Best not for his silky skills, not for his ability to consume alcohol and certainly not for his looks. Actually he was never compared to Best, he was just from the same country.
Very little is known about Morrow's past other than his parents claimed they were the rightful heirs to the throne of Ireland. Prince Steve, as he was known growing up, was heralded as the man to join the two seperate Irish nations together crossing religious divides and creating a glorious single country. This didn't happen for many reasons the least of which being Morrow's complete lack of trying.
His regal roots did open many doors for him and at the age of 17 he was confronted with the choice of becoming a footballer or becoming a world famous sword swallower. He chose the sword swallowing route. However in a bizarre incident involving one of a flaming sword he lost most of his hair. This being the main point of strength of any king Morrow decided he would give up his right to the throne and became a footballer instead.
Steve Morrow is most well known for breaking his arm after scoring a goal in the league cup final, just one of the many ways Tony Adams has shown his worth to the club.
After Bruce Rioch put everyone out of their misery and stopped playing Morrow he moved to QPR where he was an instrumental part of their decline.
However while the rest of the players cried at being relegated Steve Morrow danced around the room waving his Cup Winners Cup medal (that he actually really does have) and screaming "I am the Prince of Ireland! Bow down before me!"
The QPR players then battered him into unconciousness, stuck him in a suitcase and left him at Heathrow. He eventually resurfaced in Dallas where he remains recreating his fall from Tony Adams's shoulders, while wearing a crown and swallowing a sword. This daft act earned him the position of head coach of FC Dallas. Crazy Yanks.
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
Footballing Heroes: David Hillier
Full time party animal and occasional footballer, David Hillier, signed for Arsenal in 1984 as a schoolboy. He was instantly popular in the youth team due to the fact that he was usually stoned out of his mind.
He made his full team debut in 1990 against Chester City. Many Arsenal fans remarked that the pies were good that day. No one remembers Hillier's performance though.
Due to his combative midfield style Hillier is often thought of as a forerunner to the likes of Emmanuel Petit, Patrick Vieira and Mathieu Flamini. However where they had passion and skill Hillier didn't.
Before signing for Arsenal little is known of Hillier's youth although it has been alledged that he was left as a new-born in the backroom of the Rose and Crown in Blackheath. He was brought up by the landlord and landlady despite the fact that they were both from Trinidad and he was clearly a little white london boy.
Growing up with this stigma proved the making of little David, mocked by the casually rascist youths of the seventies David was determined to prove himself better than them and took to dealing cannabis, making him the most popular kid on the block.
This in turn ensured he was always picked first for football and he was soon making his way through the ranks to become a professional.
Hillier was an integral part of the Arsenal team of the nineties although he was left out of the 1993 cup final sides due to a neck injury received by watching the ball fly over his head from defence so often.
He was also left out of the 1994 Cup Winners Cup team due to a psychic telling George Graham if he played him Arsenal would lose. If only he'd also heeded this advice the following year maybe they'd have retained the Cup Winners Cup.
At this time Hillier's off the field antics became more prominent than his on the pitch performances. He had become obsessed with his neck and had taken to wearing neck rings, much like the Kayan women of Thailand.
By the time he left Arsenal for Portsmouth in 1996 his neck was a foot long and despite a superior heading ability he could never reach the heights of his Arsenal career.
Hillier has now retired from football and can currently be found in the pubs of Blackheath letting people take photographs of his 1990/91 league winners medal dangling from his elongated neck in return for a double scotch (neat).
Friday, 26 September 2008
Footballing Heroes: Ian Selley
Ian Selley signed for Arsenal in 1990 at the age of 16. He was immediately heralded as the next Patrick Vieira despite the fact that Patrick Vieira was only 14 at the time and no one had heard of him.
He made his full debut at the age of 18 and instantly garnered a reputation for being a footballer...just.
Selley had grown up on the mean streets of Weybridge and very little is known about his past, although it is rumoured that he was found in a dustbin aged 5 having been raised by badgers. This is vehemently denied by the badger population who claim if they had raised him he would've been able to control a ball.
At 12 Selley joined in his first game of football as he'd previously been scorned by his peers for only eating worms and communicating with a series of growls and purrs. In this game he broke his own leg three times and another boys twice. Not bad as he was only substituted on with 3 minutes left. And that was only as a linesman.
He rocketed through the youth ranks being known for his ferocious tackles and his staunch defence of what he called his 'territory' (handily marked out before the match with his own urine.)
After making his debut for Arsenal he went on to appear far too many times for them. However during this period Selley's presence in the team was instrumental to how Arsenal played at the time, entirely bypassing the midfield and getting it straight up to Ian Wright.
When Wenger arrived in 1996 many people thought Selley would be a crucial part of the Frenchman's team but then at that time most people thought Wenger was an idiot who'd only ever managed in Japan.
Selley was promptly sold to lower league Fulham where nothing of note has ever happened. Eventually Selley returned to his set in Weybridge where he happily divides his time between suckling his young and gazing at his Cup Winners Cup medal that he actually, genuinely has. No, really he does.
He made his full debut at the age of 18 and instantly garnered a reputation for being a footballer...just.
Selley had grown up on the mean streets of Weybridge and very little is known about his past, although it is rumoured that he was found in a dustbin aged 5 having been raised by badgers. This is vehemently denied by the badger population who claim if they had raised him he would've been able to control a ball.
At 12 Selley joined in his first game of football as he'd previously been scorned by his peers for only eating worms and communicating with a series of growls and purrs. In this game he broke his own leg three times and another boys twice. Not bad as he was only substituted on with 3 minutes left. And that was only as a linesman.
He rocketed through the youth ranks being known for his ferocious tackles and his staunch defence of what he called his 'territory' (handily marked out before the match with his own urine.)
After making his debut for Arsenal he went on to appear far too many times for them. However during this period Selley's presence in the team was instrumental to how Arsenal played at the time, entirely bypassing the midfield and getting it straight up to Ian Wright.
When Wenger arrived in 1996 many people thought Selley would be a crucial part of the Frenchman's team but then at that time most people thought Wenger was an idiot who'd only ever managed in Japan.
Selley was promptly sold to lower league Fulham where nothing of note has ever happened. Eventually Selley returned to his set in Weybridge where he happily divides his time between suckling his young and gazing at his Cup Winners Cup medal that he actually, genuinely has. No, really he does.
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