Arshavin Talks To Garth Crooks

(For those who missed my brief appearance as Parlour's Annual Hat-trick on 606)

The following is an interview given by Andrey Arshavin to everyone's favourite pundit, Garth Crooks, discussing his recent move to Arsenal.

Garth: Hello Andrey, your name is the equivalent of the British name Andrew.

Arshavin: Erm...ok.

Garth: Having recently moved from Zenit St Petersburg which is a Russian team to Arsenal in England there will have been many cultural differences you've had to face. The language barrier, the food, the people you meet all of these are very different to your native country.

Arshavin: Erm...also in my country our interviewers ask questions rather than make statements.

Garth: As a player I found that foreigners often struggled to adapt to the pace of English football. You have also said this has been the biggest challenge for you. Which shows that we as footballers are on the same wavelength, because I believe deep down all footballers are the same.

Arshavin: Erm...I'm sorry are you interviewing me our just stating your views on football?

Garth: Interviewing obviously. My style is somewhat different to your average pundit. I'm more erudite, more verbose, better educated, I am in short an football intellectual.

Arshavin: Did you play football?

Garth: Yes. For Tottenham.

Arshavin: Ah I see.

Garth: So cultural differences in football...

Arshavin: I have noticed in England that all the players wear boxer shorts, in Russia we never do this.

Garth: Why not?

Arshavin: Chernobyl fallout.

Insider Information

I have it on good authority that if Arsenal's bid for Arshavin does fall through Wenger is going to take a gamble on a player from the lower leagues.

My sauces tell me that the player in question is Ebbsfleet United goal machine Michael Gash. Wenger has been quoted as saying "I am very interested in Gash. He has all the attributes I require. He can go narrow or go wide or even drop deep."

Arsenal's lower league scout Guy Nacologist has admitted "Wenger has asked me to look into Gash on more than one occasion. And I must say I like what I've seen."