Sky Super Sunday

Richard Keys: Hello and welcome to another cracking Sunday of football. Our first game today is a top of the table clash between Liverpool and Manchester United. Cocking hell, it doesn't get much cocking better than that does it? With me today is of course the ubiquitous Jamie Redknapp and Dion Dublin.

Redknapp: Hello Richard.

Dublin: Top o' the morning to ye.

Keys: Er...Dion, are you doing an Irish accent?

Dublin: Oi am, Richard. Oi've decided moi accent should match moi surname.

Keys: Marvellous. Now today's fixture could go a long way to deciding the eventual winners of the league. Jamie, as an ex-Liverpool player can I assume you'll be cocking rooting for them?

Redknapp: You can Richard. Though of course I have a lot of respect for Man Utd even though I never played for them, my father hasn't managed them and I have no relatives on the playing staff. I mean that must be the sign of a good team if they don't meet any of my usual criteria and I still respect them.

Keys: Very cocking true, Jamie. And Dion, as an ex-Man Utd man do you have the same respect for Liverpool?

Dublin: No oi don't, Richard. I think the manager is a big bollocks, the players are all bollockses and the city of Liverpool is entoirely populated by bollockses.

Keys: There's a large Irish contingent in Liverpool though.

Dublin: Bollocks.

Keys: Marvellous. And now without further ado let's join our commentarty team of Martin Tyler and Andy Gray.

Tyler: Thank you Richard. And what a game we have in store for us today. The two teams at the top of the table, you must be almost overflowing with excitement Andy?

Gray: Aye ah fockin well am, Martin. This is going to be an absolute classic. Two toap four teams battling it oot for the title of supreme champions of everything ever. It's fockin amazing. I mean lets face maist of the shite we show I couldnae be ersed with. It's fockin rubbish ah'm telling ye. I'd rather have your sweaty bawbags in mah fockin mooth than watch most of the fockin shite we have to put up with. Seriously Martin I'd rather have a dick up mah fockin erse...Martin? Martin? Are ye ok?

Martin: I...er...I appear to have...er...come in my pants, Andy.

Arshavin Talks To Garth Crooks

(For those who missed my brief appearance as Parlour's Annual Hat-trick on 606)

The following is an interview given by Andrey Arshavin to everyone's favourite pundit, Garth Crooks, discussing his recent move to Arsenal.

Garth: Hello Andrey, your name is the equivalent of the British name Andrew.

Arshavin: Erm...ok.

Garth: Having recently moved from Zenit St Petersburg which is a Russian team to Arsenal in England there will have been many cultural differences you've had to face. The language barrier, the food, the people you meet all of these are very different to your native country.

Arshavin: Erm...also in my country our interviewers ask questions rather than make statements.

Garth: As a player I found that foreigners often struggled to adapt to the pace of English football. You have also said this has been the biggest challenge for you. Which shows that we as footballers are on the same wavelength, because I believe deep down all footballers are the same.

Arshavin: Erm...I'm sorry are you interviewing me our just stating your views on football?

Garth: Interviewing obviously. My style is somewhat different to your average pundit. I'm more erudite, more verbose, better educated, I am in short an football intellectual.

Arshavin: Did you play football?

Garth: Yes. For Tottenham.

Arshavin: Ah I see.

Garth: So cultural differences in football...

Arshavin: I have noticed in England that all the players wear boxer shorts, in Russia we never do this.

Garth: Why not?

Arshavin: Chernobyl fallout.

How to be a Co-Commentator

The role of co-commentator is a crucial one, without these ex-pro's valuable insights us layman would never be able to understand what was going on. But what if you fancied making a career of it? You could do a lot worse than learn your trade from the masters. Here are a few handy hints from the best co-commentators to help you on your way.

David Pleat: "Getting the players names right is key, if I were to mispronounce names it would ruin my credibility entirely."

Andy Gray: "Don't fall into the trap of thinking your opinion is more important than the main commentators, there's no room for egos in the commentary box."

Mark Bright: "Always ensure that you're interesting and well-informed the viewers will just switch off if you repeat the same old clichés each game."

Mark Lawrenson: "It's important to remember that the game is far more important than making bad jokes."

Ron Atkinson: "Always be aware of what's happening around you just because one TV station has stopped broadcasting your commentary doesn't mean they all have."

So there you have it, good luck in your co-commentating career.

Punditry Masterclass

Being a pundit takes more than just being an ex-footballer who can string two words together. Here I have compiled advice from some of the countrys top pundits so you too can become a football expert.

Mark Lawrenson: "To be a top pundit you cannot let your own bias show. For example many people do not realise I used to play for Liverpool because I'm so impartial."

Garth Crooks: "You can't just rely on your host to feed you easy questions, sometimes you have to say something truly original. I for example try to steer clear of cliches. If you don't do that the audience will be sick as a parrot."

Alan Shearer: "A good personality is key. I crack jokes and try to keep things lively all the time. If I just spoke in a dull monotone and only ever let the merest suggestion of an expression cross my face the BBC would dump me like a hot potato."

Alan Hansen: "Variety is the spice of good punditry. Imagine if I just rehashed the same things every week on Match of the Day. That would be shocking. For example getting stuck in against a team like Arsenal is a valid point but the viewers only need to hear it once."

Paul Merson: "Intelligence is key. Well thought out and well structured comments keep the viewers glued to the screen. I'd only embarress myself if I got tongue tied or used mangled metaphors to describe the action."

Andy Gray: "I always respect the other pundit's opinions. I wasn't really much of a player so it would be crazy for me to assume my opinion was worth more than everybody elses."

I hope these handy hints help you become a great pundit. But don't take my word for it Mark Bright took my course and had this to say about it: "I...thought...the course was...good. Didn't I?"