The Glory Hunters: Pre-Season Friendlies

Previously on The Glory Hunters: When Eric eats a banana an amazing transformation occurs. Eric is Bananaman! No, sorry, what I mean is Clive Chives and Tarquin meet every week at the Slug and Lettuce to discuss their miniscule knowledge of football and letch over the Czech barmaid, Karina.

Clive: Hello Tarquers my old chummeroonie!

Tarquin: Are you ok?

Clive: I got out of work a touch early today so I've already had drinky-poo, I think I'm a bit squiffy to be honest.

Tarquin: What did you have?

Clive: I believe it's called a Magners.

Tarquin: I'll have one of them then.

Clive: So have you decided what team to support yet?

Tarquin: Well I noticed that Arsenal are on TV quite a bit over the summer. The Elements Cup and the Hamster-cam Tournament I think.

Clive: Hamster-cam?

Tarquin: Yep, must be the sponsors. Hamster-cam, CCTV for hamster cages I guess.

Clive: Hmm, I wonder if they'd do one for dog baskets, I'd hate for something to happen to Lord Paw-Paw while I was out. So are you planning on sticking with Arsenal then?

Tarquin: Well only if they win these cups. I mean two trophies, that'd match your lot's achievements wouldn't it.

Clive: It would. Gosh I hope my Manchester United boys play in some tournaments so they can stay ahead of Arsenal. I heard something about the Olimpets, maybe they could enter that.

Tarquin: They may well do, my old chummer, they may well do.

Clive: So what do you think about the Magners then?

Tarquin: Not bad, it's like apple beer or something. I can't believe no one thought of it before. Are you ok chummer?

Clive: I think I'm going to be sick. Don't let the Polish sort see me. Bleeeeeuurrrgghhh.

Tarquin: I think she's Czechoslovakian, Clive. Oh dear. That'll never come out of corduroy chummer.

The Glory Hunters: Europe 8 Review

(First published on 606 in July 08)

This is the Evergreen Forest. Quiet, peaceful, serene. That is, until Bert Raccoon wakes up! No wait. Previously on The Glory Hunters: Clive Chives and Tarquin meet up on a weekly basis in the Slug and Lettuce to discuss football. Clive is a Man Utd 'fan' and Tarquin supported Arsenal but due to lack of success is looking for a new club. Clive is under the strange delusion that the Czech barmaid Karina fancies him. They have both just returned from their holidays.

Clive: Hello Tarquin my old chummer, how was the holiday?

Tarquin: Oh wonderful, I spent a week in Portugal. A lovely place, don't think they go in for the old ball of footy much though.

Clive: I can't think of any Portuguese players that's for sure. Spain, where I went, on the other hand has produced many great players. Ronaldo, Beckham...erm...that bloke from Fawlty Towers...

Karina: Hello, did I hear you went to Spain? The celebrations must have been incredible.

Clive: They were, I hit a hole in one on a par three dog-leg to the right. Sweetest shot of my life. I threw my nine iron so far in the air that I nearly killed a low flying seagull. Surprised you heard about it here though. I suppose I did phone all my chummers at the golf club to tell them about it. So, little lady, my polish lovely, do you like golf?

Karina: I am from Czech Republic. And no I don't like golf. I think it is a sport for men who cannot do sport. Do you want drinks?

Tarquin: Well I say! Clive and I are sportsmen of the highest order. Big football supporter-fans too. I support Ars...er...well...er...I'll have a bottle of Heineken please.

Clive: Heineken? What's that?

Tarquin: I had it on holiday I think it must be a Portuguese beer.

Clive: Make it two then. Still not found a club to support then?

Tarquin: No, after Holland dropped out of Europe 8 I've decided to take a bit more time before I choose my team. You can't be too careful.

Clive: You could always join me as a Man Utd fan.

Tarquin: But then how could we discuss whose team has the better players? Do you remember a couple of years back we had those brilliant chats over who was better Keade or Vieriarea?

Clive: Ah yes, those were the days my chummer. Those were the days.

The Glory Hunters: Latecomer

Previously on The Glory Hunters: Clive Chives, a Man Utd 'fan' since 1999 and Tarquin, nominally an Arsenal supporter but looking elsewhere due to a lack of trophies meet up every week at the Slug and Lettuce to discuss football.

Clive: Hmmm, where's Tarquin? He's usually here by now. Hope he turns up soon I'm looking like a Billy-no-chummers right now. Better get a drink. Erm...barmaid, service please.

Karina: Hello, what can I get you?

Clive: Oh, er...I don't know, Tarquin usually chooses. Erm...a Campari top please. No, wait. A Becks, that's what I meant. A Becks.

Karina: Ok. Anything else?

Clive: Well...have you got time for a chat? So, er you're from Poland then?

Karina: No. I am from Czech Republic.

Clive: Ah the old Czechoslovakia eh? Jolly good. So...er...do they play the old footy out there?

Karina: Yes. We have produced many great players, Pavel Nedved, Petr Cech, Karel Poborsky, Tomas Rosicky...

Clive: Well, yes. I'm sure if you keep at it soon they'll make it to the old Premship.

Karina: You aren't a football fan, no?

Clive: I'm a big fan of the old ball...game...foot...ball thing. I support Manchester United.

Karina: Ah I see.

Clive: What?

Karina: I have friend from Salford, she is also Man United fan. She say there are many what she call plastic fans who have never even been to Old Trafford.

Clive: Salford? Where's that? I've been to Old Trafford. I was in Manchester on business and I passed it on my way to the conference centre from the airport.

Karina: Yes. Oh look here comes your boyfriend.

Clive: My what? Oh Tarquin! No, he's not my boyfriend I'm totally straight. I have a wife and a poodle. Lord Paw-Paw. I have a photo somewhere.

Tarquin: Hello chummer, sorry I'm late.

Clive: Where have you been?

Tarquin: Well I was getting fed up not having a team to support so I thought I'd bite the bullet and choose Holland. So I went out and bought some orange ties. Then I thought I haven't really got any shirts to go with orange so I bought some new shirts too. And then I thought I better get a new suit as well. Then Holland go and blooming well lose so I've been round all the shops returning everything I bought.

Clive: Nightmare old chummer. I've just been chatting up the old Polish sort with the lovely bottom. No wait, Czechoslovakish, that's it.

Tarquin: How did it go?

Clive: Pretty good. I convinced her I wasn't gay and everything.

Tarquin: Top chummer! You're in there!

Clive: I think I am. Fancy a drink?

Tarquin: Campari top please.

The Glory Hunters: Favourite Players

Previously on The Glory Hunters: Clive Chives, a Man Utd 'fan' since 1999 and Tarquin, an Arsenal supporter who is looking elsewhere for glory meet every week in the Slug and Lettuce to sip beer and discuss football.
Clive: Hello Tarquin, what are you drinking this week?

Tarquin: I'll have a Hoegaarden please.

Clive: A what?

Tarquin: A Hoegaarden. I overheard a couple of my chummers at the golf club talking about it and thought I better give it a go so I can join in their chat next time.

Clive: Sound reasoning. Two Hoegaardens it is then.

Tarquin: So have you watched any footy ball this week?

Clive: Well I took Lord Paw-Paw, my poodle, out for a walk last week and he took a piddle by Dixons. So I caught a bit of the football on one of their display tellys. I couldn't believe my eyes, Ronaldo appears to have signed for Portugal.

Tarquin: So all the transfer rumours were true then?

Clive: There were transfer rumours?

Tarquin: You must be very upset.

Clive: I know, he was my favourite player. Now I'm going to have to learn another players name.

Tarquin: That is difficult for any footsy ball supporter like yourself. I had the same problem when Arsenal sold Thierra Onree.

Clive: What did you do about it?

Tarquin: I chose Sex Faberydab as my new favourite player.

Clive: Is he good then?

Tarquin: Oh yes. He's probably one of the best at footing the ball I've ever nearly seen on Match of the Day. I hope he signs for whoever I choose to support next.

Clive: Yes it is hard to support a team when your favourite player isn't part of the team. I nearly went to support Real Madrid after David Beckham left.

Tarquin: Ah David Beckham. If only he played for Arsenal. Then I'd never look for another team. Has Beckham been playing in that Europe 8 thingy?

Clive: I imagine so. I'm sure Spain or someone would have snapped him up for that tournament.

Tarquin: I imagine they would. This Hoegaarden is horrible! Do you think the Polish sort with the lovely bottom will put a bit of lemonade in it for me?

Clive: Any excuse to talk to the Polish sort eh? Top chummer! Can't say I blame you though, this Hoegaarden stuff is foul.

The Glory Hunters: Euro 2008

(First published on 606 on 10 June 2008)

Previously on The Glory Hunters: Clive Chives and Tarquin met in the Slug and Lettuce as they do every week to discuss football over a cool beer. Clive is a Man Utd 'fan' and Tarquin supports Arsenal, though he's thinking of changing.

Clive: Hello Tarquin my old chummer. What'll it be today?

Tarquin: Well call me crazy but I saw an advert for a beer called Kaliber on my way here and it looked simply scrummy. I think I'll have one of those. Better make it a Kaliber shandy though, I don't want to get tipsy.

Clive: Good choice chummer. The bottle's on the bottom shelf of the fridge too so we'll get to ogle that Polish sort behind the bar's lovely bottom.

Tarquin: Marvellous! So have you been keeping up with the old footy tournament. Europe 8 I think it's called.

Clive: Well I was going to but I had a look at the fixture list and couldn't see Man United anywhere so I haven't really paid attention.

Tarquin: Yes that is strange. Maybe they don't have to play in Europe 8 because they already won the Champions Cup.

Clive: Yes that must be it. This must be some kind of runner up type competition.

Tarquin: Well I'm going to keep an eye on it, maybe I'll find a new team to support. I liked the look of Holland last night. I wonder what league they're in?

Clive: I wouldn't know I'm afraid. What colour were their shirts?

Tarquin: Bright orange.

Clive: Wouldn't that put you off supporting them?

Tarquin: Yes you're right. I'm really looking for a team that wears red or blue. Most of my ties are in those colours and I'd hate to have go out and buy a whole load of bright orange ones to prove to my chummers at the golf club that I was a Hollander through and through.

Clive: Very true. Got to keep up appearances at the golf club. Another Kaliber shandy?

Tarquin: No, no it's going straight to my head. Good job I'm not driving tonight my old chummer.

The Glory Hunters: Transfer Rumours

(First published on 606 on 03 June 08)

Previously on The Glory Hunters: Clive Chives and Tarquin meet up every week at the Slug and Lettuce to talk about football. Tarquin is still undecided on who he should change allegiance to after Arsenal went another season without winning and Clive is smugly superior about his choice of Man Utd.

Clive: Hello Tarquin my old chummer. Bottle of Becks?

Tarquin: Actually I'll have a Corona.

Clive: A what?

Tarquin: A girl in my office told me about them, you get a wedge of lime with it so it helps take away that horrible beery taste.

Clive: Sounds good, I think I'll join you. Hopefully that Polish sort with the nice bottom will serve us.

Tarquin: Too right chummer. Bit quiet on the old footy front this week.

Clive: Indeed. I did see on the back of someone's Metro that you're after some French chap. Sammy something or other.

Tarquin: Sammy Nasro. Oh yes, he's a top footy player. Great at, you know, the old kicking the footy. I'm not sure he'll convince me to carry on with Arsenal though.

Clive: No, he's not exactly a star name is he, old Samuel Nashry.

Tarquin: Exactly, it's about time Wenger spent big, splashed the cash. I say get old David Beckham from Real Madrid. £30 million ought to do it.

Clive: Oh yes, Becks'd be a good signing. I remember watching him on Match Of The Day, pace, kicking, other football things, he has it all.

Tarquin: So what about your boys then? Any transfer news? I overheard two lads in the canteen saying you might lose Evra if he doesn't sign a new contract.

Clive: Who?

Tarquin: Evra is it? Evans? Ebra?

Clive: Do you mean Ronaldo?

Tarquin: Yes that must be it. This Corona's pretty good isn't it? Nice and limey.

Clive: Not as nice as that Polish sort's bottom though eh?

Tarquin: Phwoar you're not wrong me old chummer. You're not wrong.

The Glory Hunters: Season Summary

(First posted on 606 on 27 May 2008)

Tarquin and Clive are glory hunters, Tarquin started watching football in 2004 and supported Arsenal, however after 3 fruitless years he is looking elsewhere for a team.

Clive is a Manchester United fan and has supported them through thick and, well not thin so much he sort of stopped watching for a few years, but now they're back to their winning ways Clive is 'mad for it' again.

They both live in London and meet up every week in the Slug and Lettuce and discuss football over a bottle of Becks.

Tarquin: Hello Clive, a good end to the season for you my old chummer. Did you watch the final?

Clive: Oh yes, what a game that was! I watched almost the entire highlight show.

Tarquin: I was so envious. It's becoming clear to me that Arsenal just can't compete with you big boys. I mean I watched nearly three whole Match of the Days this season and not once did we beat anyone I'd heard of. In fact we weren't even playing anyone I'd heard of. Derby? Reading? West Ham Rovers? What division are we in now? Where were the Juventus's and Real Madrid's that we used to play?

Clive: It must of been hard for you. Did you get go to any matches?

Tarquin: No, no, not until we start winning again. It's just too much of an effort. I hear there's been some spare seats and Chelsea this year, maybe I should pop along there next season. What about you, did you go at all?

Clive: Well a chummer of mine at the golf club is a season ticket holder at the Theatre of Dreams. He couldn't make it to a game because his daughter was getting married so he offered me a ticket.

Tarquin: Amazing! How was the game?

Clive: Oh well I couldn't make it, the wife had a pedicure that day and someone had to look after our little poodle, Lord Pawpaw. But I don't think it was a proper game, just some sort of benefit thing for a plane crash 50 years ago or something.

Tarquin: Probably for the best that you missed it then. What was the score?

Tarquin: Definitely best you missed it then.

Clive: Oh yes indeed my old chummeroonie. Another Becks?

Tarquin: Better make it a non-alchoholic one, I've got to get the train and I don't want to be caught short and have to use the horrible toilets they have on them.

A Plastics Guide To Football

Football was invented in 1992 by Rupert Murdoch. As a way to sell advertising space. Originally he named the sport soccer but despite using it in every single programme Sky have done on the sport it has never caught on.

Because Murdoch is Australian football originally only took place in the winter months leaving the summers free for the Australian national game of cricket. However a cunning flag maker realised he could capitalise on the new sports popularity and increase the sales of his national flags by creating an international tournament played every other summer. Sometimes this is called the World Cup and sometimes it is called the European Championships, no one is certain why but it is believed it is so kit manufacturers can make more money by releasing a different kit for each tournament.

In England their are 20 teams, or clubs, who contest a competition called the Premier League. Out of these clubs only 4 are worth supporting. These are Man Utd, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool. Although no one knows why Liverpool are included in that quartet as they've never won anything.

Originally the league was a free competition where anyone who played in it could win which led to Blackburn once becoming the Premier League champions. Rupert Murdoch was outraged by these events as no one knew where Blackburn was. Subsequently it was decided that Man Utd would win the league from there on in. This monopoly meant that people lost interest so Arsenal and later Chelsea were then allowed to occasionally win the League.

Choosing which team to support is very difficult. Although there are no rules against supporting your local team it is frowned upon. Therefore as a rule if you live in London it is safest to choose Man Utd. However if you come from outside of England you might prefer to choose Arsenal as they are the Premier League's one foreign team.

Football is played in large stadiums, some like Arsenal's and Man Utd's are perfectly safe and even quite pleasant. Some, however, are just huge pits in which local chavs are thrown so that there is an atmosphere at the match. The most well known of these pits is called Stamford Bridge. Of course it is entirely unnecessary to actually go to these stadiums as the BBC show highlights of all the matches on a saturday night.

In recent years there have been calls to have another team come into the big 4. A team called Tottenham have claimed that they should be there instead of Arsenal. This has caused a big rift between the two teams who used to be peaceful neighbours. Despite Tottenham's claims that they can be just as foreign as Arsenal, their stadium is a bigger chav-pit than Chelsea's and they've won just as little as Liverpool seem to have fallen on deaf ears. Perhaps if they moved their stadium up north in order to get a good solid London fan base they might be more succesful.

Remember once you've picked your team there is no guarantee that they'll keep winning things so be prepared to swap at the drop of a hat.

A Garlic-Munchers Guide to Arsenal

Arsenal FC were formed in 1989 when Michael Thomas willed himself into existence with less than a minute left of the 88/89 season. Luckily his self-creation opened a wormhole in the space time continuum and allowed another ten players from alternative dimensions to enter the field of play. This was probably the most unusual thing to happen at Anfield since 1962 when the entire away support left the game without having had the wheels nicked off their cars.
The team was put under the care of Scotsman George Graham. Everyone was shocked and appalled that an English team could have a foreign manager and made Arsenal sign a declaration that in the future they would only ever have a manager who was born within 20 miles of there home ground.
In 1996 Arsenal briefly moved Highbury to Strasbourg when, entirely by coincidence, they signed Arsene Wenger as the club's manager. It was of course the first time Arsenal had ever changed location although in the early 20th century Rand McNally released a highly innaccurate map of London which placed Woolwich in the Highbury and Islington area which has caused much confusion to this day.

Between '89 and '96 the club had achieved a decent amount of success by adopting the unusual tactic of tying their defenders together so that when one stepped forward to catch an opposing player offside the others had no choice but to follow.

This tactic proved unpopular with the fans and it wasn't until Arsene Wenger brought his scissors to Highbury and set the defence free that Arsenal garnered a strong fanbase. Although it has been said that the vast amount of these new fans were led here by Wenger from France. It is alleged that they followed a trail of garlic through the Channel Tunnel.

Since 1996 Arsenal have been a highly successful team, mainly thanks to an orphanage in France which was set up by Arsene Wenger to train young men how to play football. Because of the success of this orphanage similar projects have been set up in the Ivory Coast, Brazil and Spain. But not in England.

Despite being one of the most successful and sought after managers in modern football, Arsene Wenger's policy of only using his orphanage graduates has led to a large amount of criticism and forced the Arsenal board to close them down, saying they could easily cope without them. To counter this measure Wenger bought promising young Englishman Francis Jeffers to the club. Soon after this the board lifted the ban on orphanages. Mysteriously they have never stated their reasons why.

In recent years the club has suffered a slump in form. However, with his devoted following of garlic munchers and his un-ending supply of orphans it is surely only a matter of time before Arsene Wenger brings the glory days back to Arsenal.

A Chav's Guide to Chelsea

Chelsea were formed in 2003 when Russian oil magnate Roman Abramovich was bet by Vladimir Putin that he couldn't spend £500m in two years.

The team was named after an infamous group of violent youths, the Chelsea Headhunters. This was to give the club a tough image that would frighten opposing teams, however it has led to the belief that Abramovich is actually a criminal from the russian underworld and Chelsea is just a legitimate front for his other dodgy dealings. This is not true and anyone who says otherwise will get their knees broken.

The clubs stadium was built on the site of an old School for English that did a sterling job teaching non-english speakers our language. As a mark of respect for the school Abramovich gave the role of manager of Chelsea to the school's star pupil, Claudio Ranieri.

Ranieri's previous job as a stonemason enabled him to create a team full of granite monoliths which he felt would compete for the league. He gave them life by placing the rare mineral Vanadinite into their heads. However he struggled to choose which of the 20,000 stone men he'd created should play and so swapped his line up for each game. A tactic for which he was often criticised, however it has been taken on by fellow English student Rafa Benitez in recent years.

When Abramovich realised he'd never win anything worthwile with Ranieri in charge he dismissed him and replaced him with the self-effacing Jose Mourinho. Mourinho's first task was to get rid of the surplus granite men, also known as Chelsea's Animated Vanadinite Stonemen or Chavs. He decided only to keep only one of them for the team, lumbering central defender John Terry. The other 19,999 became the core of the clubs supproters. Most of them still turn up for champions league games.

Mourinho then set about creating a Premiership winning team by reading the News of the World and finding out who other teams were after, he would then send some of Abramovich's entirely legal hired goons to their houses and make them an offer they couldn't refuse. In an entirely legal manner.

Despite removing the vast amount of granite players from his team and replacing them with some of the most skillful and talented players in the world (and Frank Lampard) Mourinho still instructed his players to play like lumps of rock.

This brought a substantial amount of success to the club and the formally shy and retiring Mourinho soon became an outspoken figure of fun causing Abramovich to replace him with an extra from a Hammer horror film.

The league titles appear to have dried up in recent years but who knows with a cross between Dracula and Kermit the Frog in charge and the army of brainless stone Chav's behind them perhaps the glory days will soon return to Chelsea F.C.

A Plastic's Guide to Man United

Manchester United were formed in 1992 in Guildford. This was during the Great Oxygen Famine in Manchester. Half the population of the city turned blue, the rest moved to Surrey.

The club takes it's name from the famous Manchester United team of the 50's and 60's who sadly became defunct after legendary player George Best chopped up the entire stadium and snorted it up his nose.

In 1992 Alex Ferguson, the Man U manager, gave birth to the 34 year old Bryan Robson who he instantly installed as the Captain of the team. Despite only being with the club a short time Robson has become a legend for club and country despite never mastering the English language.

The club dominated domestic football throughout the 90's despite having a tiny fanbase. To counter this the club melted down vast amounts of plastic and shaped them into human form and filled the empty seats with these 'plastics'. In November 1992 lightning struck the stadium giving life to all the plastic fans. However, they have struggled to adapt to normal society and are generally looked down on by the general populace mainly due to their addiction to prawns.

In the mid nineties Alex Ferguson spawned multiple offspring, the most notable being Roy Keane who took over as captain of the club and Eric Cantona who was blessed with being the greatest human being ever to walk the earth. Both players were mild-mannered and loved by opposing teams and fans, never more so than when Cantona gave a Crystal Palace supporter a free Kung Fu lesson in front of a record crowd of 24 at Selhurst Park.

After giving birth to a generation of English talent Ferguson appears to have become barren and now relies on kidnapping other teams players and brainwashing the players to believe they've always been at Man Utd. Players such as Veron and Djemba-Djemba who proved too strong to succumb have told of the trauma of those days at Old Trafford, saying Ferguson always favoured his own children. Spoiling them by giving them presents such as a football boot to the head.

In 1999 the club won the 'treble'. To celebrate the plastics all burnt the year onto their foreheads and now just point at the four digits when anyone questions their loyalty to the team.The current team has been heralded by the now knighted Sir Alex Ferguson as the best he's ever had. Despite his obvious senility he still retains his position as one of the most respected in the game as his team again battle for the league and Champions League glory. The fact that the can only win two trophies this year has prompted some of the plastics to contemplate adding 'never again' below the 1999 on their foreheads. But who knows perhaps Fergie will recover his fertility and the glory days will come again.