A Plastic's Guide to Man United

Manchester United were formed in 1992 in Guildford. This was during the Great Oxygen Famine in Manchester. Half the population of the city turned blue, the rest moved to Surrey.

The club takes it's name from the famous Manchester United team of the 50's and 60's who sadly became defunct after legendary player George Best chopped up the entire stadium and snorted it up his nose.

In 1992 Alex Ferguson, the Man U manager, gave birth to the 34 year old Bryan Robson who he instantly installed as the Captain of the team. Despite only being with the club a short time Robson has become a legend for club and country despite never mastering the English language.

The club dominated domestic football throughout the 90's despite having a tiny fanbase. To counter this the club melted down vast amounts of plastic and shaped them into human form and filled the empty seats with these 'plastics'. In November 1992 lightning struck the stadium giving life to all the plastic fans. However, they have struggled to adapt to normal society and are generally looked down on by the general populace mainly due to their addiction to prawns.

In the mid nineties Alex Ferguson spawned multiple offspring, the most notable being Roy Keane who took over as captain of the club and Eric Cantona who was blessed with being the greatest human being ever to walk the earth. Both players were mild-mannered and loved by opposing teams and fans, never more so than when Cantona gave a Crystal Palace supporter a free Kung Fu lesson in front of a record crowd of 24 at Selhurst Park.

After giving birth to a generation of English talent Ferguson appears to have become barren and now relies on kidnapping other teams players and brainwashing the players to believe they've always been at Man Utd. Players such as Veron and Djemba-Djemba who proved too strong to succumb have told of the trauma of those days at Old Trafford, saying Ferguson always favoured his own children. Spoiling them by giving them presents such as a football boot to the head.

In 1999 the club won the 'treble'. To celebrate the plastics all burnt the year onto their foreheads and now just point at the four digits when anyone questions their loyalty to the team.The current team has been heralded by the now knighted Sir Alex Ferguson as the best he's ever had. Despite his obvious senility he still retains his position as one of the most respected in the game as his team again battle for the league and Champions League glory. The fact that the can only win two trophies this year has prompted some of the plastics to contemplate adding 'never again' below the 1999 on their foreheads. But who knows perhaps Fergie will recover his fertility and the glory days will come again.