Thursday, 25 September 2008

A Garlic-Munchers Guide to Arsenal

Arsenal FC were formed in 1989 when Michael Thomas willed himself into existence with less than a minute left of the 88/89 season. Luckily his self-creation opened a wormhole in the space time continuum and allowed another ten players from alternative dimensions to enter the field of play. This was probably the most unusual thing to happen at Anfield since 1962 when the entire away support left the game without having had the wheels nicked off their cars.
The team was put under the care of Scotsman George Graham. Everyone was shocked and appalled that an English team could have a foreign manager and made Arsenal sign a declaration that in the future they would only ever have a manager who was born within 20 miles of there home ground.
In 1996 Arsenal briefly moved Highbury to Strasbourg when, entirely by coincidence, they signed Arsene Wenger as the club's manager. It was of course the first time Arsenal had ever changed location although in the early 20th century Rand McNally released a highly innaccurate map of London which placed Woolwich in the Highbury and Islington area which has caused much confusion to this day.

Between '89 and '96 the club had achieved a decent amount of success by adopting the unusual tactic of tying their defenders together so that when one stepped forward to catch an opposing player offside the others had no choice but to follow.

This tactic proved unpopular with the fans and it wasn't until Arsene Wenger brought his scissors to Highbury and set the defence free that Arsenal garnered a strong fanbase. Although it has been said that the vast amount of these new fans were led here by Wenger from France. It is alleged that they followed a trail of garlic through the Channel Tunnel.

Since 1996 Arsenal have been a highly successful team, mainly thanks to an orphanage in France which was set up by Arsene Wenger to train young men how to play football. Because of the success of this orphanage similar projects have been set up in the Ivory Coast, Brazil and Spain. But not in England.

Despite being one of the most successful and sought after managers in modern football, Arsene Wenger's policy of only using his orphanage graduates has led to a large amount of criticism and forced the Arsenal board to close them down, saying they could easily cope without them. To counter this measure Wenger bought promising young Englishman Francis Jeffers to the club. Soon after this the board lifted the ban on orphanages. Mysteriously they have never stated their reasons why.

In recent years the club has suffered a slump in form. However, with his devoted following of garlic munchers and his un-ending supply of orphans it is surely only a matter of time before Arsene Wenger brings the glory days back to Arsenal.

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