Hello, I'm "Honest" Wayne, and I sell cars. Now I know what you're thinking, 'he's a scouser' but despite this I am honest really. I live in Manchester now so it's alright.
Aaaaah! What was that was it a bomb? Quick everyone on the floor! Sorry, sorry false alarm. God, I'm embarrassed now. I'm just a bit y'know nervous.
Anyway, you're probably here to buy one of my cars. Why don't you have a look around see if anything takes your fancy. I've got a 60 year old Fiat out there. Looks like an old banger but she's a beautiful ride.
Do you fancy a cup of tea? I'll pop the kettle on. Aaaaaaargh! I tripped over the table leg. You saw it didn't you? It's leg was jutting out and tripped me up. Yeah I know it's now four foot away Ii must've pushed it when I tripped.
Anyway, what are you looking for? Just a cheap run around? Well I've got just the thing. It's an M reg Nissan Micra. Yours for £8000 and I'll chuck in the spare wheel for free. Hey! Where are you going? Come back! I'm honest, me.
Aaaaargh! I've fallen over again. I swear it must have been an earthquake or something. Honest.
Showing posts with label Man U Scum. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Man U Scum. Show all posts
Friday, 4 September 2009
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
A Rant and then a Little Ray of Hope...
Right, we lost. Not just that we were comprehensively beaten over two legs by a better team. So what now?
Firstly, I would like to point out that Ronaldo's performance last night, while undeniably good, was not something so extraordinary, so out of this world that no team could cope with it as the press seem to be making out. In fact to suggest so does Man Utd a huge disservice. They won because they played very well as a team. Ji-Sung Park, Fletcher, O'Shea all gave everything worked hard, knew their roles and supported their more illustrious team mates fantastically. The first goal was not made by Ronaldo it was made by the pass that released him, his cross was pretty much straight at Gibbs and on another night would have been cleared. His second goal was a great free kick but he is a taker of great free kicks rather than a great free kick taker. Once or twice a year he scores a screamer but the majority of his free kicks go straight down the keepers throat or miles over the bar as all his other efforts did last night. And the final goal was a wonderful break but given the situation of the game we had to leave our defence exposed and once again the goal was made by the ball to Rooney and then his perfect, and unselfish pass to Ronaldo.
This is not to take away from Ronaldo in any way he is clearly a great, great player. But last night showed that Man Utd are more than just one great player. They are a great team. And trust me I don't say that easily. Arsenal on the other hand were not a great team last night. We lacked creativity, more than any other Arsenal team since Wenger took over. Our problem used to be our profligacy now we don't even create the chances to miss.
So how do we bridge this gap? Well we already have to some extent. Andrey Arshavin is a creative player, a player that can change games, score goals and frighten defences. A bit like Ronaldo but without the sort of face you want to punch. With Arshavin in our side over the two legs it might have been slightly different. Maybe not enough to win the game but maybe enough to score in open play at least. We still need to add to our squad over the summer but we don't need wholesale changes.
I genuinely believe next year Arshavin, Nasri will give the support for Fabregas that we need. I think Song is developing into a top quality midfielder but we could do with some competition for the defensive midfielder spot which I don't think Diaby or Denilson will ever really provide. We need a better cover in central defence than Silvestre and we need a striker who will score goals week in week out. Hopefully a fully fit Eduardo will be able to do this.
The gulf between us and Man Utd is not as big as these games suggest. I'm sure we will be more consistent at the start of the season which will gives us the confidence to go on and do well next year, we aren't as naive as we were at the start of this year. Arshavin looks phenomenal and is experienced enough to know how to produce throughout the season and hopefully youngsters like Gibbs will come back stronger from this setback.
So we're out but I'm not down. I'd love us to have the success of Man Utd but if we don't it doesn't change a thing. Because Arsenal have always been, and will always be, by far the greatest team the world has ever seen.
In my eyes at least.
Firstly, I would like to point out that Ronaldo's performance last night, while undeniably good, was not something so extraordinary, so out of this world that no team could cope with it as the press seem to be making out. In fact to suggest so does Man Utd a huge disservice. They won because they played very well as a team. Ji-Sung Park, Fletcher, O'Shea all gave everything worked hard, knew their roles and supported their more illustrious team mates fantastically. The first goal was not made by Ronaldo it was made by the pass that released him, his cross was pretty much straight at Gibbs and on another night would have been cleared. His second goal was a great free kick but he is a taker of great free kicks rather than a great free kick taker. Once or twice a year he scores a screamer but the majority of his free kicks go straight down the keepers throat or miles over the bar as all his other efforts did last night. And the final goal was a wonderful break but given the situation of the game we had to leave our defence exposed and once again the goal was made by the ball to Rooney and then his perfect, and unselfish pass to Ronaldo.
This is not to take away from Ronaldo in any way he is clearly a great, great player. But last night showed that Man Utd are more than just one great player. They are a great team. And trust me I don't say that easily. Arsenal on the other hand were not a great team last night. We lacked creativity, more than any other Arsenal team since Wenger took over. Our problem used to be our profligacy now we don't even create the chances to miss.
So how do we bridge this gap? Well we already have to some extent. Andrey Arshavin is a creative player, a player that can change games, score goals and frighten defences. A bit like Ronaldo but without the sort of face you want to punch. With Arshavin in our side over the two legs it might have been slightly different. Maybe not enough to win the game but maybe enough to score in open play at least. We still need to add to our squad over the summer but we don't need wholesale changes.
I genuinely believe next year Arshavin, Nasri will give the support for Fabregas that we need. I think Song is developing into a top quality midfielder but we could do with some competition for the defensive midfielder spot which I don't think Diaby or Denilson will ever really provide. We need a better cover in central defence than Silvestre and we need a striker who will score goals week in week out. Hopefully a fully fit Eduardo will be able to do this.
The gulf between us and Man Utd is not as big as these games suggest. I'm sure we will be more consistent at the start of the season which will gives us the confidence to go on and do well next year, we aren't as naive as we were at the start of this year. Arshavin looks phenomenal and is experienced enough to know how to produce throughout the season and hopefully youngsters like Gibbs will come back stronger from this setback.
So we're out but I'm not down. I'd love us to have the success of Man Utd but if we don't it doesn't change a thing. Because Arsenal have always been, and will always be, by far the greatest team the world has ever seen.
In my eyes at least.
Thursday, 22 January 2009
Ronaldo's Kebab Shop
Hello peeps! I am Cristianopolus Ronaldopolus and I run the finest kebabery in the whole of the world. Yes is true.
Some people say Messiopolus in Spain run a better kebaby shop. But when he cooks I think there is flash in the pan.
The problem is people do not respect my kebabs because I make them in Manchester. But every week I have thousands of people travel from Guilford and Staines and Suffolk and Home Counties to eat my Kebab. But no one from Manchester eat my kebab. They all prefer Elanopolus Kebabs across town.
But people in Europe do not like my kebabs. So I is thinking I will move to Spain and set up my kebab shop across the road from Messiopolus and prove I am best kebaby maker.
But what about all the people in England who love my kebabs? Who have made my kebabs famous? I do not care about them. I only care about my kebabs. In Spain I can charge much more for my kebabs and everyone will acknowledge that I am world's best kebaby. Silly people who eat my kebabs now are like nothing to me. Anyway I hear they used to eat Beckham's Prawny Sandwiches before I came and once I've gone they'll probably try out Nani's Falafels. But trust me they are inferior products.
But if I cannot set up a kebab shop in Spain I will tell those funny southerners that appear to be made of plastic who love my shop that I was never going to make kebabs in Spain. Oh no I tell them I only make kebabs for Englishers.
But behind doors which are closed I will weep tears of kebab-related woe into my mummy's pinafore. She knows that it has always been my dream to make kebabs in Spain. Oh mother! Why I choose to make kebabs in England? No one will ever believe I is best kebaby man in world while I make kebabs for people who think Darren Fletcher's Haggis is edible.
Some people say Messiopolus in Spain run a better kebaby shop. But when he cooks I think there is flash in the pan.
The problem is people do not respect my kebabs because I make them in Manchester. But every week I have thousands of people travel from Guilford and Staines and Suffolk and Home Counties to eat my Kebab. But no one from Manchester eat my kebab. They all prefer Elanopolus Kebabs across town.
But people in Europe do not like my kebabs. So I is thinking I will move to Spain and set up my kebab shop across the road from Messiopolus and prove I am best kebaby maker.
But what about all the people in England who love my kebabs? Who have made my kebabs famous? I do not care about them. I only care about my kebabs. In Spain I can charge much more for my kebabs and everyone will acknowledge that I am world's best kebaby. Silly people who eat my kebabs now are like nothing to me. Anyway I hear they used to eat Beckham's Prawny Sandwiches before I came and once I've gone they'll probably try out Nani's Falafels. But trust me they are inferior products.
But if I cannot set up a kebab shop in Spain I will tell those funny southerners that appear to be made of plastic who love my shop that I was never going to make kebabs in Spain. Oh no I tell them I only make kebabs for Englishers.
But behind doors which are closed I will weep tears of kebab-related woe into my mummy's pinafore. She knows that it has always been my dream to make kebabs in Spain. Oh mother! Why I choose to make kebabs in England? No one will ever believe I is best kebaby man in world while I make kebabs for people who think Darren Fletcher's Haggis is edible.
Monday, 24 November 2008
My All Time Man Utd XI
GK: Massimo Taibi - You know you're a bad goalie when you make a nazi-saluting, coke addled Australian look good.
LB: Lee Martin - To score the winning goal in an FA Cup final and still sink into obscurity just smacks of carelessness to me.
RB: Clayton Blackmore - If he was as good as his name he'd've been rubbish. But he couldn't even reach those lowly heights.
CB: David May - But he probably wont.
CB: William Prunier - Managed two whole games for the club. One of them a 4-1 defeat to Spurs. Says it all really.
LM: Jordi Cruyff - Living up to his father was always going to be difficult so Jordi instantly removed the Cruyff from his shirt. He fooled no one. Least of the defenders he was up against.
RM: Karel Poborsky - Scored a cracking goal in the European Championships, but if John Jensen has taught us anything it's that one Euro goal does not a good player make.
CM: Kleberson - Rumour has it Fergie was after another player with the same name. If I was about to spend £6m I'd check the guy could kick a ball first.
CM: Eric Djemba-Djemba - If you've got the same name twice people are going to pay attention to you. Try and make sure you can play football then.
CF: David Bellion - He was poor at Sunderland. Why would that make him good at Man Utd?
CF: Diego Forlan - No matter how many times he scored against Liverpool he was still cack.
LB: Lee Martin - To score the winning goal in an FA Cup final and still sink into obscurity just smacks of carelessness to me.
RB: Clayton Blackmore - If he was as good as his name he'd've been rubbish. But he couldn't even reach those lowly heights.
CB: David May - But he probably wont.
CB: William Prunier - Managed two whole games for the club. One of them a 4-1 defeat to Spurs. Says it all really.
LM: Jordi Cruyff - Living up to his father was always going to be difficult so Jordi instantly removed the Cruyff from his shirt. He fooled no one. Least of the defenders he was up against.
RM: Karel Poborsky - Scored a cracking goal in the European Championships, but if John Jensen has taught us anything it's that one Euro goal does not a good player make.
CM: Kleberson - Rumour has it Fergie was after another player with the same name. If I was about to spend £6m I'd check the guy could kick a ball first.
CM: Eric Djemba-Djemba - If you've got the same name twice people are going to pay attention to you. Try and make sure you can play football then.
CF: David Bellion - He was poor at Sunderland. Why would that make him good at Man Utd?
CF: Diego Forlan - No matter how many times he scored against Liverpool he was still cack.
Sunday, 21 September 2008
A Plastic's Guide to Man United
Manchester United were formed in 1992 in Guildford. This was during the Great Oxygen Famine in Manchester. Half the population of the city turned blue, the rest moved to Surrey.
The club takes it's name from the famous Manchester United team of the 50's and 60's who sadly became defunct after legendary player George Best chopped up the entire stadium and snorted it up his nose.
In 1992 Alex Ferguson, the Man U manager, gave birth to the 34 year old Bryan Robson who he instantly installed as the Captain of the team. Despite only being with the club a short time Robson has become a legend for club and country despite never mastering the English language.
The club dominated domestic football throughout the 90's despite having a tiny fanbase. To counter this the club melted down vast amounts of plastic and shaped them into human form and filled the empty seats with these 'plastics'. In November 1992 lightning struck the stadium giving life to all the plastic fans. However, they have struggled to adapt to normal society and are generally looked down on by the general populace mainly due to their addiction to prawns.
In the mid nineties Alex Ferguson spawned multiple offspring, the most notable being Roy Keane who took over as captain of the club and Eric Cantona who was blessed with being the greatest human being ever to walk the earth. Both players were mild-mannered and loved by opposing teams and fans, never more so than when Cantona gave a Crystal Palace supporter a free Kung Fu lesson in front of a record crowd of 24 at Selhurst Park.
After giving birth to a generation of English talent Ferguson appears to have become barren and now relies on kidnapping other teams players and brainwashing the players to believe they've always been at Man Utd. Players such as Veron and Djemba-Djemba who proved too strong to succumb have told of the trauma of those days at Old Trafford, saying Ferguson always favoured his own children. Spoiling them by giving them presents such as a football boot to the head.
In 1999 the club won the 'treble'. To celebrate the plastics all burnt the year onto their foreheads and now just point at the four digits when anyone questions their loyalty to the team.The current team has been heralded by the now knighted Sir Alex Ferguson as the best he's ever had. Despite his obvious senility he still retains his position as one of the most respected in the game as his team again battle for the league and Champions League glory. The fact that the can only win two trophies this year has prompted some of the plastics to contemplate adding 'never again' below the 1999 on their foreheads. But who knows perhaps Fergie will recover his fertility and the glory days will come again.
The club takes it's name from the famous Manchester United team of the 50's and 60's who sadly became defunct after legendary player George Best chopped up the entire stadium and snorted it up his nose.
In 1992 Alex Ferguson, the Man U manager, gave birth to the 34 year old Bryan Robson who he instantly installed as the Captain of the team. Despite only being with the club a short time Robson has become a legend for club and country despite never mastering the English language.
The club dominated domestic football throughout the 90's despite having a tiny fanbase. To counter this the club melted down vast amounts of plastic and shaped them into human form and filled the empty seats with these 'plastics'. In November 1992 lightning struck the stadium giving life to all the plastic fans. However, they have struggled to adapt to normal society and are generally looked down on by the general populace mainly due to their addiction to prawns.
In the mid nineties Alex Ferguson spawned multiple offspring, the most notable being Roy Keane who took over as captain of the club and Eric Cantona who was blessed with being the greatest human being ever to walk the earth. Both players were mild-mannered and loved by opposing teams and fans, never more so than when Cantona gave a Crystal Palace supporter a free Kung Fu lesson in front of a record crowd of 24 at Selhurst Park.
After giving birth to a generation of English talent Ferguson appears to have become barren and now relies on kidnapping other teams players and brainwashing the players to believe they've always been at Man Utd. Players such as Veron and Djemba-Djemba who proved too strong to succumb have told of the trauma of those days at Old Trafford, saying Ferguson always favoured his own children. Spoiling them by giving them presents such as a football boot to the head.
In 1999 the club won the 'treble'. To celebrate the plastics all burnt the year onto their foreheads and now just point at the four digits when anyone questions their loyalty to the team.The current team has been heralded by the now knighted Sir Alex Ferguson as the best he's ever had. Despite his obvious senility he still retains his position as one of the most respected in the game as his team again battle for the league and Champions League glory. The fact that the can only win two trophies this year has prompted some of the plastics to contemplate adding 'never again' below the 1999 on their foreheads. But who knows perhaps Fergie will recover his fertility and the glory days will come again.
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