A Chav's Guide to Chelsea

Chelsea were formed in 2003 when Russian oil magnate Roman Abramovich was bet by Vladimir Putin that he couldn't spend £500m in two years.

The team was named after an infamous group of violent youths, the Chelsea Headhunters. This was to give the club a tough image that would frighten opposing teams, however it has led to the belief that Abramovich is actually a criminal from the russian underworld and Chelsea is just a legitimate front for his other dodgy dealings. This is not true and anyone who says otherwise will get their knees broken.

The clubs stadium was built on the site of an old School for English that did a sterling job teaching non-english speakers our language. As a mark of respect for the school Abramovich gave the role of manager of Chelsea to the school's star pupil, Claudio Ranieri.

Ranieri's previous job as a stonemason enabled him to create a team full of granite monoliths which he felt would compete for the league. He gave them life by placing the rare mineral Vanadinite into their heads. However he struggled to choose which of the 20,000 stone men he'd created should play and so swapped his line up for each game. A tactic for which he was often criticised, however it has been taken on by fellow English student Rafa Benitez in recent years.

When Abramovich realised he'd never win anything worthwile with Ranieri in charge he dismissed him and replaced him with the self-effacing Jose Mourinho. Mourinho's first task was to get rid of the surplus granite men, also known as Chelsea's Animated Vanadinite Stonemen or Chavs. He decided only to keep only one of them for the team, lumbering central defender John Terry. The other 19,999 became the core of the clubs supproters. Most of them still turn up for champions league games.

Mourinho then set about creating a Premiership winning team by reading the News of the World and finding out who other teams were after, he would then send some of Abramovich's entirely legal hired goons to their houses and make them an offer they couldn't refuse. In an entirely legal manner.

Despite removing the vast amount of granite players from his team and replacing them with some of the most skillful and talented players in the world (and Frank Lampard) Mourinho still instructed his players to play like lumps of rock.

This brought a substantial amount of success to the club and the formally shy and retiring Mourinho soon became an outspoken figure of fun causing Abramovich to replace him with an extra from a Hammer horror film.

The league titles appear to have dried up in recent years but who knows with a cross between Dracula and Kermit the Frog in charge and the army of brainless stone Chav's behind them perhaps the glory days will soon return to Chelsea F.C.