Ronaldo's Kebab Shop

Hello peeps! I am Cristianopolus Ronaldopolus and I run the finest kebabery in the whole of the world. Yes is true.

Some people say Messiopolus in Spain run a better kebaby shop. But when he cooks I think there is flash in the pan.

The problem is people do not respect my kebabs because I make them in Manchester. But every week I have thousands of people travel from Guilford and Staines and Suffolk and Home Counties to eat my Kebab. But no one from Manchester eat my kebab. They all prefer Elanopolus Kebabs across town.

But people in Europe do not like my kebabs. So I is thinking I will move to Spain and set up my kebab shop across the road from Messiopolus and prove I am best kebaby maker.

But what about all the people in England who love my kebabs? Who have made my kebabs famous? I do not care about them. I only care about my kebabs. In Spain I can charge much more for my kebabs and everyone will acknowledge that I am world's best kebaby. Silly people who eat my kebabs now are like nothing to me. Anyway I hear they used to eat Beckham's Prawny Sandwiches before I came and once I've gone they'll probably try out Nani's Falafels. But trust me they are inferior products.

But if I cannot set up a kebab shop in Spain I will tell those funny southerners that appear to be made of plastic who love my shop that I was never going to make kebabs in Spain. Oh no I tell them I only make kebabs for Englishers.

But behind doors which are closed I will weep tears of kebab-related woe into my mummy's pinafore. She knows that it has always been my dream to make kebabs in Spain. Oh mother! Why I choose to make kebabs in England? No one will ever believe I is best kebaby man in world while I make kebabs for people who think Darren Fletcher's Haggis is edible.

Big Phil's Chip Shop

(First posted on 606 on 12 June 08)

Tired of being the third choice centre back at Arsenal Swiss polylinguist Phillipe Senderos decides instead to turn to his first love: frying battered fish. Aided by his loyal sidekick Johann Djourou they get ready to open the shop to the public.

Phillipe: Johann! Why are you standing there? You'll never be able to serve the customers standing so close to the chip fryer. Your positionings all wrong.

Johann: But I'm quite nippy Phil. I'll be able to make up the ground trust me. How's the fish coming along?

Phillipe: Fantastic! At first I was a bit nervous but now I've battered a few cods I'm starting to feel more confident.

Johann: Oh that reminds me Kolo said he'd pop in a bit later. He said he's been battering fish for years and he'll be happy to help.

Phillipe: That'd be great. I just hope I don't lose my knack for it without the constant practice. Do you think we should've got more mushy peas?

Johann: I think we'll be fine. Anyway we're both young and only just starting out in the chip shop trade. I'm sure people will forgive us a few mistakes.

Phillipe: That's true. But I've heard this is a big chip-loving area. They're used to quality fish and chips. I just hope they're patient enough to let us develop and grow or we'll be plying our trade in Wigan or Birmingham in no time.

Johann: Birmingham? God no. I spent six months frying fish down there last year and didn't learn a thing. The way they fry fish in the sticks just doesn't cut it here in the big city.

Phillipe: Fret ye not Johann we'll be fine. Ooh no! I just dropped a haddock! Oh god it's all going wrong, we'll never be top quality chip shop owners! Woe is me!

Johann: It's just one haddock Phil, surely it's not the end of the world? Oh look here comes Kolo and William's with him. They'll sort us out.

Phillipe: Hooray! They're always there when I need them.