The Real David Beckham

Throughout his career David Beckham has suffered accusations of being a footballer of very little brain, however recent documents have come to light proving that this is a myth created by the PR people at Manchester United who realised that a loveable buffoon was a much more saleable commodity than an intellectually superior who could possibly alienate himself from the common man. The following is an extract from the draft copy of Beckham's autobiography. It is a fascinating insight into a man whose brain genuinely is as cultured as his right foot.

"Many people have asked me what I think of pithy epithet by which my wife and I are known in the tabloid press, Posh and Becks. Well as a professional sportsman I would have preferred a more gentrified moniker such as Beckers, something you could imagine being preceeded by 'well bowled' and succeeded with 'old sport', however as football is classified as more of, shall we say, a sport of the people I am happy to settle for the uncomplicated contraction of my name.

As for my wife's little nickname of Posh I presume many people think it is ironic due to her less than salubrious upbringing, however even the most casual genealogist could dip into her family tree and find out that Victoria, as her regal name suggests, is, in fact, 27th in line for the throne. This combined with the fact that her father is good chums with the Prince of Monaco suggests that the only irony in my wife's given title is that it is a gross understatement!

In fact on the eve of the England versus Brazil game in 2002 both myself and Rio Ferdinand were discussing this very point in length over a rather wonderful glass of tawny port. He revealed to me that he is in fact a distant relative of the usurped Russian Tsars. We talked long into the night and, if I may be brutally honest, I believe it affected our performance the next day. What a pair of ninnies we are.Rio and I often enjoy long in-depth chats. Only the other day we discussed the relative merits of modernist film-maker Jean-Luc Goddard. I am a huge fan of his masterpiece Weekend, Rio on the other hand prefers the realism of the earlier French films such as Le Regle de Jeu. We phoned Wayne Rooney to see if he could mediate on our dilemma and he said "Jean-Luc Goddard? I ain't a fan. But I'd give the captain off Voyager one." Philistine."

Big Phil's Holiday

Arsenal's permanently worried looking polymath, Phillipe Senderos, is as we all know a serial diarist. The following is an excerpt from his time on a caravaning holiday with Alexander Hleb.

28th June: Today was the first day of our holiday to Devon. Just me, Alex and Clarabel my trusty caravan. Alex arrived at my house at 6 o'clock this morning so we could get an early start. I wanted to get out the road before there was too much traffic. It's been a while since I took Clarabel out so I was a little nervous. I was fine after a while though it just took me a bit of time to get my confidence up.

29th June: The problem with Clarabel is that she is only a 2 berth so Alex and I have to sleep rather close to each other. Boy does Alex dribble! Dribble, dribble, dribble. I'm beginning to think that's all he does.

30th June: There's not a lot to do on the caravan site so me and Alex went for a walk along the coast. Alex kept on going up these winding paths that led nowhere. Whereas I was all at sea for prolonged periods and without Kolo or William to rescue me. Then I lost Alex. I thought he'd gone to get ice cream but he insists he didn't.

1st July: Pinch, punch, first of the month. I decided not to pinch or punch Alex, I once did that to Robin Van Persie and he was in hospital for 6 weeks. Getting a bit bored in the caravan now. I tried to have a chat with Alex by asking him what his goals in life are. "Goals?" He replied. "I'm not sure I know what you mean."

2nd July: We went to Torquay today. But Alex didn't like it. He said all the arcades and surf shops were to noisy for him. I found an old arcade game called Outrun. Alex told me that it was a good choice as I was always getting out run. I didn't get it.

3rd July: Had an argument with Alex. He said he never wanted to come to Devon in the first place. He thought we should have gone to Barcelona. I told him to sod off there if thats how he feels. And now he's gone off in a sulk. I don't know where he's gone. I can't make up my mind if I'd prefer him to come back or just go to Spain. Maybe I should phone Emmanuel Adebayor he's a man who can always make up his mind.

Big Phil's Motorcycle Diaries

(First posted on 606 on 27/06/08)

Tired of being 3rd choice centre back at Arsenal Phillipe Senderos decides to take some time off to travel across South America on his trusty Norton. He is joined on his journey by Emmanuel Eboue. Here is an extract from his diary.

3rd June

I flew into Buenos Aires today. The flight was horrific. I hate flying. I'm a big chap but I'm really not that good in the air.Thank God Emmanuel was with me. He's great company and he knows all the correct procedures if the plane goes into a dive.

4th June

We set off today out into the countryside on our Nortons. Emmanuel has never ridden a motorbike before but he says that he's very adaptable so he'll pick it up in no time.

5th June

Spent most of today in a roadside garage. Eboue hasn't mastered the bike at all yet. He keeps getting on going full speed ahead, looks like he knows what he's doing and then it all goes wrong and the bike breaks down. It's very frustrating.

6th June

We set off again this morning and now we're lost. I checked our position on the map but somehow we've drifted out of that position. I knew I should've brought my sat nav. Or at least had William or Kolo here they'd be able to tell me where I should be.

7th June

Eboue is really getting on my nerves. Every time we come to a village the local people run out to see us. They all want to touch us as we drive by but Eboue barely gets brushed by one of them and he falls off his bike. And then he writhes around on the floor for ages clutching his head. I keep telling him to wear a helmet. He does seem to recover quickly though.

8th June

Drove into Buenos Aires again. Not sure how that happened. I seem to have come full circle, every time I feel things are going ok, I'm building up my confidence on the bike I stop for the night and then I have to start again. Potentially I reckon I can get across South America but I don't think this stop start approach is the way for me. I've told Emmanuel to go home, it's obvious he'll never get the hang of riding a bike.

Ray's Beauty Parlour

Since his retirement Ray Parlour has just been kicking his heels and doing a little punditry on the side, however he is finally getting the oppurtunity to live his dreams and open a beauty parlour. Here is an extract from his diary as he tries to get his new business underway.

5th April 08

Tomorrow's the big day, the Grand Opening. Nothing can spoil it. Except maybe the fact that Jade Goody is opening her own beauty parlour across the street. She thinks she can compete with me, the Romford Pele? Not a chance, they don't compare me to him 'cos I'm totally impotent, oh no, it's 'cos at Ray's you get a fantastic Brazilian.

6th April 08

What a day! I had my first customer, she was a right dog. Long, straight hair half way down her back. I said I've got the name of a fantastic hairdresser if you want. He'll give you beautiful golden locks like mine. She said she just wanted a manicure.

I closed up for an hour at lunch and when I came back someone had chucked a brick through the window. I bet it was that Jade Goody. I'll get her good.

7th April 08

A busy day, the word is getting round that Ray's is the premier beauty parlour in town. But then Jade's little salon did explode mysteriously in the night.

No one messes with the Romford Pele!