Sky Super Sunday - The Return

Richard Keys: Hello and welcome to another Sky Super Sunday. So super that it would even make Superman spaff in his pants. Now that's pretty cocking super, I'm sure you'll agree. With me today is football's favourite scion, Jamie Redknapp and Dutch legend, Ruud Gullit.

Redknapp: Literally hello.

Gullit: Awright me old mucker?

Keys: Marvellous. Today's game sees recently promoted Burnley palying the cocking awesome might of Chelsea. Can Burnley cause an upset Ruud?

Gullit: Nah bruv. Burnley have only got two 'opes. Bob and no. Hahaha. Bob 'Ope. D'ya get it?

Keys: Er yes Ruud. Marvellous. Erm...why are you talking like that, aren't you Dutch?

Gullit: Well bruv. I 'eard McClaren doing on all that 'yesh ishn't football schpectacular' nonsense and I realised that Dutch people saand stupid. So I got meself a voice coach and now I speak like a proper geezer, innit.

Redknapp: I agree with everything Ruud said.

Keys: So you don't think Burnley have a cocking hope in hell then, Jamie?

Redknapp: Well I wouldn't say that. I mean Burnley are a good team...

Gullit: No they aint.

Redknapp: That's true.

Gullit: You really are spineless intchya?

Redknapp: Yep.

Gullit: I serviced your wife last night. She loved it.

Redknapp: Well as long as she's happy.

Keys: Splendid. And now without further ado lets go to our match commentators, Martin Tyler
and Andy Gray.

Tyler: Thank you Richard. Well Andy it's a tough ask for Burnley. How do you see this match panning out?

Gray: Aye well it's pretty much pointless Burnley turning up if ye ask me Martin, which ye probably did, I cannae remember, nor do I care, ye wee english erse. Chelsea are a toap four team. And as we all know the toap four dinnae get beaten by the likes ay Burnley.

Tyler: They beat Man Utd.

Gray: Shut it, ye cont. Ah'm the voice ay fitba. Ye're just an erse and dinnae forget it.

Tyler: Sorry Andy. I think you should punish me.

Gray: What?! I'm no a fruit, ye ken?

Tyler: I could dress like a schoolgirl?

Gray: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Would ye wear a wig?

Tyler: Yep.

Gray: Aye...well...mebbe meet me at the usual place after The Final Word then.

Sky Super Sunday

Richard Keys: Hello and welcome to another cracking Sunday of football. Our first game today is a top of the table clash between Liverpool and Manchester United. Cocking hell, it doesn't get much cocking better than that does it? With me today is of course the ubiquitous Jamie Redknapp and Dion Dublin.

Redknapp: Hello Richard.

Dublin: Top o' the morning to ye.

Keys: Er...Dion, are you doing an Irish accent?

Dublin: Oi am, Richard. Oi've decided moi accent should match moi surname.

Keys: Marvellous. Now today's fixture could go a long way to deciding the eventual winners of the league. Jamie, as an ex-Liverpool player can I assume you'll be cocking rooting for them?

Redknapp: You can Richard. Though of course I have a lot of respect for Man Utd even though I never played for them, my father hasn't managed them and I have no relatives on the playing staff. I mean that must be the sign of a good team if they don't meet any of my usual criteria and I still respect them.

Keys: Very cocking true, Jamie. And Dion, as an ex-Man Utd man do you have the same respect for Liverpool?

Dublin: No oi don't, Richard. I think the manager is a big bollocks, the players are all bollockses and the city of Liverpool is entoirely populated by bollockses.

Keys: There's a large Irish contingent in Liverpool though.

Dublin: Bollocks.

Keys: Marvellous. And now without further ado let's join our commentarty team of Martin Tyler and Andy Gray.

Tyler: Thank you Richard. And what a game we have in store for us today. The two teams at the top of the table, you must be almost overflowing with excitement Andy?

Gray: Aye ah fockin well am, Martin. This is going to be an absolute classic. Two toap four teams battling it oot for the title of supreme champions of everything ever. It's fockin amazing. I mean lets face maist of the shite we show I couldnae be ersed with. It's fockin rubbish ah'm telling ye. I'd rather have your sweaty bawbags in mah fockin mooth than watch most of the fockin shite we have to put up with. Seriously Martin I'd rather have a dick up mah fockin erse...Martin? Martin? Are ye ok?

Martin: I...er...I appear to have...er...come in my pants, Andy.