Ian Selley signed for Arsenal in 1990 at the age of 16. He was immediately heralded as the next Patrick Vieira despite the fact that Patrick Vieira was only 14 at the time and no one had heard of him.
He made his full debut at the age of 18 and instantly garnered a reputation for being a footballer...just.
Selley had grown up on the mean streets of Weybridge and very little is known about his past, although it is rumoured that he was found in a dustbin aged 5 having been raised by badgers. This is vehemently denied by the badger population who claim if they had raised him he would've been able to control a ball.
At 12 Selley joined in his first game of football as he'd previously been scorned by his peers for only eating worms and communicating with a series of growls and purrs. In this game he broke his own leg three times and another boys twice. Not bad as he was only substituted on with 3 minutes left. And that was only as a linesman.
He rocketed through the youth ranks being known for his ferocious tackles and his staunch defence of what he called his 'territory' (handily marked out before the match with his own urine.)
After making his debut for Arsenal he went on to appear far too many times for them. However during this period Selley's presence in the team was instrumental to how Arsenal played at the time, entirely bypassing the midfield and getting it straight up to Ian Wright.
When Wenger arrived in 1996 many people thought Selley would be a crucial part of the Frenchman's team but then at that time most people thought Wenger was an idiot who'd only ever managed in Japan.
Selley was promptly sold to lower league Fulham where nothing of note has ever happened. Eventually Selley returned to his set in Weybridge where he happily divides his time between suckling his young and gazing at his Cup Winners Cup medal that he actually, genuinely has. No, really he does.
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