Previously on The Glory Hunters: Clive Chives, a Man Utd 'fan' since 1999 and Tarquin, nominally an Arsenal supporter but looking elsewhere due to a lack of trophies meet up every week at the Slug and Lettuce to discuss football.
Clive: Hmmm, where's Tarquin? He's usually here by now. Hope he turns up soon I'm looking like a Billy-no-chummers right now. Better get a drink. Erm...barmaid, service please.
Karina: Hello, what can I get you?
Clive: Oh, er...I don't know, Tarquin usually chooses. Erm...a Campari top please. No, wait. A Becks, that's what I meant. A Becks.
Karina: Ok. Anything else?
Clive: Well...have you got time for a chat? So, er you're from Poland then?
Karina: No. I am from Czech Republic.
Clive: Ah the old Czechoslovakia eh? Jolly good. So...er...do they play the old footy out there?
Karina: Yes. We have produced many great players, Pavel Nedved, Petr Cech, Karel Poborsky, Tomas Rosicky...
Clive: Well, yes. I'm sure if you keep at it soon they'll make it to the old Premship.
Karina: You aren't a football fan, no?
Clive: I'm a big fan of the old ball...game...foot...ball thing. I support Manchester United.
Karina: Ah I see.
Clive: What?
Karina: I have friend from Salford, she is also Man United fan. She say there are many what she call plastic fans who have never even been to Old Trafford.
Clive: Salford? Where's that? I've been to Old Trafford. I was in Manchester on business and I passed it on my way to the conference centre from the airport.
Karina: Yes. Oh look here comes your boyfriend.
Clive: My what? Oh Tarquin! No, he's not my boyfriend I'm totally straight. I have a wife and a poodle. Lord Paw-Paw. I have a photo somewhere.
Tarquin: Hello chummer, sorry I'm late.
Clive: Where have you been?
Tarquin: Well I was getting fed up not having a team to support so I thought I'd bite the bullet and choose Holland. So I went out and bought some orange ties. Then I thought I haven't really got any shirts to go with orange so I bought some new shirts too. And then I thought I better get a new suit as well. Then Holland go and blooming well lose so I've been round all the shops returning everything I bought.
Clive: Nightmare old chummer. I've just been chatting up the old Polish sort with the lovely bottom. No wait, Czechoslovakish, that's it.
Tarquin: How did it go?
Clive: Pretty good. I convinced her I wasn't gay and everything.
Tarquin: Top chummer! You're in there!
Clive: I think I am. Fancy a drink?
Tarquin: Campari top please.
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