Footballing Heroes: Francis 'Franny' Jeffers

Francis Jeffers signed for Arsenal in 2001 for £8m proving conclusively that sometimes Arsene doesn't know. The original 'fox in the box' Jeffers was signed because Henry wasn't a natural goalscorer. It turns out foxes aren't either.

Before signing for Arsenal he was the bright young hope at Everton. Although those were the days when hope and Everton were oxymorons.

Little is known of Jeffers upbringing in Liverpool other than the fact that he was found living in a quarry by a young child called Barney. The two embarked on many crazy adventures including despite Jeffers' inability to communicate in anything other than grunts and whistles.

His development was stunted because no one would believe Barney that the elusive young Francis was real and not just a figment of Barney's over-active imagination. Then one day one of Barney's friends kicked a football into the old quarry. Jeffers booted it straight back out again, missing the goal by inches.

This ability with a football earned him his first contract with Everton. He earned his nickname when after missing a goal his youth coach shouted "you complete Franny" at him. Though it's possible he misheard.

Since leaving Arsenal Jeffers has plied his trade at a variety of clubs, occasionally scoring goals along the way. He can most often be found nowadays back at his quarry drawing cave paintings on the wall recreating the goal scoring debut he made for England to obtain his one and only England cap that he actually, genuinely has.

John Terry's New Book

The following is a excerpt from John Terry's forthcoming autobiography which he is contractually obliged to write whenever there is a summer tournament.

"It broke my heart when Croatia ended our chances of going to Euro 2008. To captain your country is a great honour and to captain it at a major tournament would be enough to make a grown man cry. Not that I've ever cried. I'm a real man. I did get a bit sad when I watched Ghost though. Does that make me, y'know, a bit fruity?

I was so mad when Croatia scored the third goal, I just wanted to punch someone at that point. Fortunately there were no bouncers around so I escaped an assault charge there. I couldn't stay mad at the lads though, I love those guys. In a rugged, manly way of course. You have to be a real man to play football. Although I did once hug Ashley Cole after I scored and he touched my bottom. Does that make me, y'know, a bit fruity?

This year I guess I'll have to book a holiday abroad when the tournaments on. Somewhere outside of Europe, like the Ukraine. I went there once to visit Andrei Shevchenko's family. I had to sleep in a room with his three brothers. It was really cold so we all ended up sharing the same bed. Does that make me, y'know, a bit fruity?

Sometimes I wish I was from another country so that I could go to Euro 2008. If I was German I would always be at the big tournaments. But if I was German I'd have to wear those funny little leather shorts wouldn't I? Would that make me, y'know, a bit fruity?

I couldn't be anything other than English though. If you cut me you'd see three lions in my blood. There's nothing more English than lions. Sometimes when I'm at home I pretend to be a lion. I roar and prowl and eat raw meat. I even have a little cuddly lion that I go to sleep holding. Oh I shouldn't have said that, I don't want people to think that I might be, y'know, a bit fruity."

Footballing Heroes: Chris Kiwomya

Chris Kiwomya signed for Arsenal in 1995 making him one of George Graham's last signings for the club. This puts him in an illustrious list including John Hartson and Glenn Helder.

He had previously played for Ipswich where he had scored at a rate of about one goal every four games. This mediocre record belied his actual ability. He was much worse than it suggests.

Little is known of Kiwomya's upbringing other than that he was born in Yorkshire in 1969. The son of two hippies his real name is Woodstock Enlightenment Freelove Earth-Mother Kiwomya. However, he successfully divorced his parents at the age of 4 and legally changed it to Chris.

He then moved to his strict Grandmother's house in Ipswich, where he was forced to wear lederhosen at all times except when he was playing sports. Despite no natural talent and no real burning desire for the game, Chris spent much of his youth playing football to avoid his Grandmother's penchant for traditional German dress. He did however develop a startling addiction to bratwurst.

He was snapped up at a young age by Ipswich Town, who didn't have a scouting network but instead relied on straw-chewing farmers saying "Ooh arr, he looks a bit good this lad."

After leaving Arsenal in 1998, inexplicably unable to displace Ian Wright and Dennis Bergkamp in the first team despite scoring three whole goals for the club, Kiwomya played in France and Malaysia before returning to England for QPR. His uncanny knack for not scoring many goals remaining constant throughout his career.

Chris Kiwomya has since become a recluse, however legend has it that if you leave a German sausage on your doorstep at night you may just catch a glimpse of him as he gobbles it down in one go before heading off back to his hovel in the mountains.

Rooney's New Book

(This was first posted in April 2008)

The following is an excerpt from Wayne Rooney's forthcoming autobiography that he is contractually obliged to release whenever there is a summer tournament.

"We were there, all we had to do was hold on for the draw. I think in our hearts we all knew we hadn't played well but it was the result that mattered.

Then up popped Petric in the 77th minute and broke all our hearts. The lads were devastated. David Beckham was so upset he went straight out after the game and bought himself a Bentley. Bentley was so upset that he went out and bought Peckham. He doesn't earn as much as David see so he couldn't afford anything flash.

Me, I was angry. Angry at myself, if only I'd scored more goals, angry at Carson for making that blunder and angry at the team for not being as good as Man Utd and therefore not hiding my deficiencies as much. I was so angry I wanted to stomp some balls.

And where the hell is Croatia anyway? I mean, I know it's in Europe because the game was for the European Championships but what part is it in? France? Russia? And why do there names all end in 'ic'? Modric, Petric, Pranjic, Bilic all ic. I've just asked Coleen and she said "I'll give you the itch if you don't leave me alone while I'm writing." She's writing another autobiography too, it's called Coleen 2: This Time It's Personal Shopping. She's always so busy now it just makes me mad. So mad that I want to stomp some balls.

So this summer I'll have to find something else to do. Last year Ronaldo took me to Portugal to meet his family. I love Ronaldo. I hate him. I love him.

He took me to a farm where we had to try and hit a cow's backside with a banjo. I managed it four out of ten times but Ronaldo never seemed to miss so no one noticed how many mistakes I made. God I love him. But I hate him. He makes me so confused I want to stomp his balls."

Footballing Heroes: Igors Stepanovs (Previously Banned By The BBC)

Igors Stepanovs made his Arsenal debut in 2000 against Ipswich. A tall, commanding centre back was probably playing next to Stepanovs.

When he arrived at the club he was billed as the next Tony Adams. Presumably this comparison was made without seeing either Adams or Stepanovs play. Stepanovs appeared 17 times in an Arsenal shirt including the infamous 6-1 defeat to Manchester United. Not that any of the Man U players noticed he was there.

Little is known of Stepanovs' early life other than the fact that he was born in a town called Ogre in Latvia. Rumours that his mother was in fact an Ogre are unfounded. She was a troll. Nothing is known of his father although Stepanovs maintains that he was not called Billy, nor was he gruff and he certainly wasn't a goat. However, he concedes that his father probably did pay his toll to cross his mother's bridge in sexual favours.

Young Igors quickly took to the game of football, instantly making himself an outcast in ice hockey mad Latvia. His love of the game never faltered and he soon found himself the fourth best player for FC Skonto. This was no mean feat as at the time FC Skonto had a chicken, an ox and a totem pole on their books.

After leaving Arsenal the half-man half-troll hybrid defender went on to play for various lesser clubs across Europe. Stepanovs can now be found sharpening his teeth underneath bridges only letting people across if they can guess how many international caps he has. No one ever guesses 92 which is actually, genuinely how many he has. Thus Stepanovs never goes hungry.

Footballing Heroes: Nelson Vivas

Feisty Argentinian Nelson Vivas made his debut for Arsenal in 1998. His tenacious tackling, aggressive style and technical ability all conspired to make him a permanent fixture on the sub's bench.
He was a versatile defender who was equally shambolic on either side of the pitch. He provided such a strong back up to Lee Dixon and Nigel Winterburn that Wenger almost immediately signed Oleg Luzhny and Sylvinho to ensure he barely ever played for Arsenal.

Very little is known about Vivas's early life aside from the fact that he was born in Granadero Baigorria in Argentina. An unusually large child his parents made a living by putting him in a box and charging tourists to see him. He was known as the world's largest boy, however as he got older the lack of oxygen in his box stunted his growth and he only grew to 5 ft 5 in.

His parents then changed their pitch and advertised him as the worlds smallest defender. Despite never having played football they dressed young Nelson in an Argentina kit that they had exchanged with Diego Maradona for 8 grams of blow.

His parents' canny knack for a deal meant that in 1991 they sold him to Argentinian club Quilmes for three magic beans. Originally a mascot an injury crisis forced the marauding midget into the team. His lack of talent proved no hindrance to his career, even after his ineffective performances for Arsenal he went on to play for Inter Milan.

Now back in his native Argentina Nelson Vivas juggles his time between parading his now ancient and withering parents around his home town dressed in a variety of degrading and humiliating outfits and showing off the 39 international caps that he honestly actually has.

How to be a Co-Commentator

The role of co-commentator is a crucial one, without these ex-pro's valuable insights us layman would never be able to understand what was going on. But what if you fancied making a career of it? You could do a lot worse than learn your trade from the masters. Here are a few handy hints from the best co-commentators to help you on your way.

David Pleat: "Getting the players names right is key, if I were to mispronounce names it would ruin my credibility entirely."

Andy Gray: "Don't fall into the trap of thinking your opinion is more important than the main commentators, there's no room for egos in the commentary box."

Mark Bright: "Always ensure that you're interesting and well-informed the viewers will just switch off if you repeat the same old clichés each game."

Mark Lawrenson: "It's important to remember that the game is far more important than making bad jokes."

Ron Atkinson: "Always be aware of what's happening around you just because one TV station has stopped broadcasting your commentary doesn't mean they all have."

So there you have it, good luck in your co-commentating career.