More Football Sitcoms

Fish Out Of Water: South African Mark Fish plays an ex-swimmer who has developed a fear of water he has also just got a job in the lake district. The aquatic surrounds combined with the culture shock lead to hilarious consequences.

Keeping Up With The Joneses: Vinny Jones and Kenwyne Jones play rival sprinters. Kenwyne moves in next door to Vinnie and they compete to make sure they are always one step ahead of their rival with hilarious consequences.

Maccarone and Cheese: Massimo Maccarone plays a pasta chef who is in love with Belinda Cheese who works on the cheese counter in Tesco. His bumbling attempts to woo her lead to hilarious consequences.

George Bernard Shaw: Charlie George, Oliver Bernard and Richard Shaw are struggling actors who decide to produce the complete works of George Bernard Shaw however they can never decide who should play the female parts with hilarious consequences.

Hilario's Consequences: Chelsea reserve keeper invents a time machine and after going back in time he accidently alters his present. Each episode we see him trying to right what has gone wrong with hilarious consequences.

The Family Jewells: Paul Jewell plays the father of 4 who is set a quest in his grandfathers will to find the lost family jewels. Each episode is packed with smutty innuendos and of course hilarious consequences.

The Adams Family: Tony Adams and Mickey Adams are brothers whose sister has passed away they are left to bring up her 7 children with hilarious consequences.

Robinson's Squash: Paul Robinson is a professional squash player unfortunately the wages are very low so he has to share a studio flat with 20 illegal immigrants with hilarious consequences.

Brown Trousers: Wes Brown is a cowardly tailor who is struggling to make ends meet during WWII as the only colour material he can get is brown. Also every time the air raid siren goes he soils himself with hilarious consequences.

Foster Home: Ben Foster runs a foster home. His inability to control the children leads to hilarious consequences.

The Littlest Yobo: Joseph Yobo is the youngest brother in his family, he is also the shortest and least well endowed. His attempts to overcome his deficiencies lead to hilarious consequences.

Hell or Bywater: Stephen Bywater plays a man who dies and goes to purgatory he has to prove to God that he should not be sent to hell, with hilarious consequences.Walcott The Wildside: Theo Walcott gets trapped in the jungle and has to befriend wild animals in order to get back to civilisation with hilarious consequences.

Cort in the Act: Carl Cort is a notorious peeping tom. His dirty antics and his attempts to escape the law lead to hilarious consequences.

For those of you who have time to trawl through literally thousands more Football Sitcoms go here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/606/A34084721

Footballing Heroes: Glenn Helder

Glenn Helder made his debut for Arsenal in 1995 having previously played for various Dutch clubs. Like the vast majority of players signed from the Dutch League he was useless and couldn't score.

When he first arrived at Arsenal he was compared to the great Liam Brady but only because he was left footed and foreign. He is most noted for being George Graham's last signing as Arsenal manager which could feasibly be seen as an act akin to a captain smashing a hole in the hull of his own ship on his final voyage.

Very little is known of Helder's childhood aside from the fact that at the age of five he ran away to join the circus. Originally the circus folk pitted him against other runaway children in bare-knuckle fighting contests, however this was soon stopped after Helder showed an innate inability to ever actually land a punch on his opponent.

In his last fight he was put up against Raymond Van Braincrusher the 8 year old, 16 stone bare knuckle legend. Helder took one look at the giant gypsy and ran. Really, really fast. From then on his circus family would capture wild animals and place bets on which ones young Glenn was faster than. He outran a stoat, a fox, a wild boar, a rabid dog and a bull. However he did lose to a wolf which put an end to his races when he had to be rushed to hospital for severe bite wounds. He was taken into care which is where he learned how to play football.

After making only 27 appearances for the Gunners he was sold off when Arsene Wenger brought in Marc Overmars who not only could run really fast but could also play football.

Nowadays Helder scrapes a living by betting tourists to Amsterdam that he can outrun anything. Unfortunately this is not usually very impressive as his only competition tends to be naked hookers or stoned students. He can be easily identified as the man wearing the t-shirt saying 'I played for Holland' and wearing all four of the caps that he actually, genuinely got upon his head.

Football Sitcoms

Bent Double: Marcus and Darren Bent run a gay bar that only serves doubles. The drunken punters often mistake the two ex-footballers for each other with hilarious consequences.

No Ball Games: Michael Ball is a park caretaker where no ball games are allowed. He is tormented by Ian Games a child who loves to play football with hilarious consequences.

Cissé Boys: Aliou and Djibril Cissé are a transvestite couple who adopt two boys with hilarious consequences.

Dyer Straight: Keiron Dyer is an ex-con who is trying to go straight. He also has lots of homosexual friends but he himself isn't and has to convice girls that he's straight with hilarious consequences.

Gilbert and Sullivan: Kerrea Gilbert and Neil Sullivan are the original odd couple. Fun loving Kerrea is straight-laced Sullivan's lodger and is always trying to get out of paying rent with hilarious consequences.

Parlour Maids: Ray Parlour is a wealthy home owner who is having affairs with both his maids. His attempts to keep both affaors secret from his wife and the other maid leads to...hilarious consequences.

De Friend or Defoe: Jermaine Defoe is transported back in time to the 1970's. Despite his Cockney accent everyone assumes he is from the West Indies. Jermaine has to prove to them that their racial prejudices are unacceptable with hilarious consequences.

Agger Do: Daniel Agger plays a dim-witted handyman's apprentice. In each episode asked if he can do a different job to which he replies: Agger Do! With hilarious consequences.
French Platt: David Platt decides to set up a bakery in rural France his inability to speak the language and his ineptitude at baking lead to hilarious consequences.

Punditry Masterclass

Being a pundit takes more than just being an ex-footballer who can string two words together. Here I have compiled advice from some of the countrys top pundits so you too can become a football expert.

Mark Lawrenson: "To be a top pundit you cannot let your own bias show. For example many people do not realise I used to play for Liverpool because I'm so impartial."

Garth Crooks: "You can't just rely on your host to feed you easy questions, sometimes you have to say something truly original. I for example try to steer clear of cliches. If you don't do that the audience will be sick as a parrot."

Alan Shearer: "A good personality is key. I crack jokes and try to keep things lively all the time. If I just spoke in a dull monotone and only ever let the merest suggestion of an expression cross my face the BBC would dump me like a hot potato."

Alan Hansen: "Variety is the spice of good punditry. Imagine if I just rehashed the same things every week on Match of the Day. That would be shocking. For example getting stuck in against a team like Arsenal is a valid point but the viewers only need to hear it once."

Paul Merson: "Intelligence is key. Well thought out and well structured comments keep the viewers glued to the screen. I'd only embarress myself if I got tongue tied or used mangled metaphors to describe the action."

Andy Gray: "I always respect the other pundit's opinions. I wasn't really much of a player so it would be crazy for me to assume my opinion was worth more than everybody elses."

I hope these handy hints help you become a great pundit. But don't take my word for it Mark Bright took my course and had this to say about it: "I...thought...the course was...good. Didn't I?"

Footballing Heroes: Steve Morrow

Steve Morrow was born in 1970 in Belfast and made his debut for Arsenal in 1992. He was used mainly as a midfielder for Arsenal but was equally inept as a centre back and a full back.
He was often compared to George Best not for his silky skills, not for his ability to consume alcohol and certainly not for his looks. Actually he was never compared to Best, he was just from the same country.
Very little is known about Morrow's past other than his parents claimed they were the rightful heirs to the throne of Ireland. Prince Steve, as he was known growing up, was heralded as the man to join the two seperate Irish nations together crossing religious divides and creating a glorious single country. This didn't happen for many reasons the least of which being Morrow's complete lack of trying.

His regal roots did open many doors for him and at the age of 17 he was confronted with the choice of becoming a footballer or becoming a world famous sword swallower. He chose the sword swallowing route. However in a bizarre incident involving one of a flaming sword he lost most of his hair. This being the main point of strength of any king Morrow decided he would give up his right to the throne and became a footballer instead.

Steve Morrow is most well known for breaking his arm after scoring a goal in the league cup final, just one of the many ways Tony Adams has shown his worth to the club.

After Bruce Rioch put everyone out of their misery and stopped playing Morrow he moved to QPR where he was an instrumental part of their decline.

However while the rest of the players cried at being relegated Steve Morrow danced around the room waving his Cup Winners Cup medal (that he actually really does have) and screaming "I am the Prince of Ireland! Bow down before me!"

The QPR players then battered him into unconciousness, stuck him in a suitcase and left him at Heathrow. He eventually resurfaced in Dallas where he remains recreating his fall from Tony Adams's shoulders, while wearing a crown and swallowing a sword. This daft act earned him the position of head coach of FC Dallas. Crazy Yanks.

Footballing Heroes: David Hillier

Full time party animal and occasional footballer, David Hillier, signed for Arsenal in 1984 as a schoolboy. He was instantly popular in the youth team due to the fact that he was usually stoned out of his mind.

He made his full team debut in 1990 against Chester City. Many Arsenal fans remarked that the pies were good that day. No one remembers Hillier's performance though.

Due to his combative midfield style Hillier is often thought of as a forerunner to the likes of Emmanuel Petit, Patrick Vieira and Mathieu Flamini. However where they had passion and skill Hillier didn't.

Before signing for Arsenal little is known of Hillier's youth although it has been alledged that he was left as a new-born in the backroom of the Rose and Crown in Blackheath. He was brought up by the landlord and landlady despite the fact that they were both from Trinidad and he was clearly a little white london boy.

Growing up with this stigma proved the making of little David, mocked by the casually rascist youths of the seventies David was determined to prove himself better than them and took to dealing cannabis, making him the most popular kid on the block.

This in turn ensured he was always picked first for football and he was soon making his way through the ranks to become a professional.

Hillier was an integral part of the Arsenal team of the nineties although he was left out of the 1993 cup final sides due to a neck injury received by watching the ball fly over his head from defence so often.

He was also left out of the 1994 Cup Winners Cup team due to a psychic telling George Graham if he played him Arsenal would lose. If only he'd also heeded this advice the following year maybe they'd have retained the Cup Winners Cup.

At this time Hillier's off the field antics became more prominent than his on the pitch performances. He had become obsessed with his neck and had taken to wearing neck rings, much like the Kayan women of Thailand.

By the time he left Arsenal for Portsmouth in 1996 his neck was a foot long and despite a superior heading ability he could never reach the heights of his Arsenal career.

Hillier has now retired from football and can currently be found in the pubs of Blackheath letting people take photographs of his 1990/91 league winners medal dangling from his elongated neck in return for a double scotch (neat).

A Plastics Guide To Football

Football was invented in 1992 by Rupert Murdoch. As a way to sell advertising space. Originally he named the sport soccer but despite using it in every single programme Sky have done on the sport it has never caught on.

Because Murdoch is Australian football originally only took place in the winter months leaving the summers free for the Australian national game of cricket. However a cunning flag maker realised he could capitalise on the new sports popularity and increase the sales of his national flags by creating an international tournament played every other summer. Sometimes this is called the World Cup and sometimes it is called the European Championships, no one is certain why but it is believed it is so kit manufacturers can make more money by releasing a different kit for each tournament.

In England their are 20 teams, or clubs, who contest a competition called the Premier League. Out of these clubs only 4 are worth supporting. These are Man Utd, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool. Although no one knows why Liverpool are included in that quartet as they've never won anything.

Originally the league was a free competition where anyone who played in it could win which led to Blackburn once becoming the Premier League champions. Rupert Murdoch was outraged by these events as no one knew where Blackburn was. Subsequently it was decided that Man Utd would win the league from there on in. This monopoly meant that people lost interest so Arsenal and later Chelsea were then allowed to occasionally win the League.

Choosing which team to support is very difficult. Although there are no rules against supporting your local team it is frowned upon. Therefore as a rule if you live in London it is safest to choose Man Utd. However if you come from outside of England you might prefer to choose Arsenal as they are the Premier League's one foreign team.

Football is played in large stadiums, some like Arsenal's and Man Utd's are perfectly safe and even quite pleasant. Some, however, are just huge pits in which local chavs are thrown so that there is an atmosphere at the match. The most well known of these pits is called Stamford Bridge. Of course it is entirely unnecessary to actually go to these stadiums as the BBC show highlights of all the matches on a saturday night.

In recent years there have been calls to have another team come into the big 4. A team called Tottenham have claimed that they should be there instead of Arsenal. This has caused a big rift between the two teams who used to be peaceful neighbours. Despite Tottenham's claims that they can be just as foreign as Arsenal, their stadium is a bigger chav-pit than Chelsea's and they've won just as little as Liverpool seem to have fallen on deaf ears. Perhaps if they moved their stadium up north in order to get a good solid London fan base they might be more succesful.

Remember once you've picked your team there is no guarantee that they'll keep winning things so be prepared to swap at the drop of a hat.