While watching the football in The Dog (that's my local pub by the way, I wasn't molesting the family pet during Super Sunday or anything) one of the other regulars shouted "My granny could've scored that!"
Now at first I doubted the verity of his claims. For starters he was about 50 looking so his grandmother would have to be at least in her 80's. Don't get me wrong, I reckon in her day she might well have been a fabulous striker but very few players maintain their eye for goal as an octagenarian. Arjen Robben being the only notable exception.
However as a dedicated football fan I decided to check out this fat drunk's claims. I popped along to the local old folk's home and watched with interest the 5-a-side tournament thay had on. Lo and behold there was the old boy's gran doing her magic on the pitch.
She was like Pele, Maradona and Zidane all wrapped into one. Her sexual organs didn't work, she needed drugs to keep her going and her hairline was receeding rapidly. However she was also a bit nifty in front of goal.
Instantly I filmed her on my camera phone and then uploaded the footage onto YouTube. I forwarded the link to Arsene Wenger and he got back to me the next day.
Now I know what your thinking, Wenger doesn't sign people over 20 and especially not English players over 20, there was no way he'd go for this 80+ year old granny but I got in touch with Obafemi Martins and he put me in touch with a good friend of his and we sorted out a French passport for the old dear.
So look out for our next signing Le Old Drunks Grand-mère, Mrs Blenkinsopp. You heard it here first.
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