If we look at the reality of our situation we'd have to admit we have an uphill battle to go through to the final of the champions league but sod reality let's just drift off into a fantasy world instead.
It was a fantasy in '89 that we'd be able to go to Anfield on the last day of the season and put two past Liverpool. It was an even bigger fantasy in the 89th minute that we'd still be able to nick a last minute goal to win the league. But somehow the fantasy came true.
And no one gave us a prayer in '94 against Parma but somehow Smudger pulled off a phenomenal volley to put us in fantasy land once again.
Then of course there was the '97/'98 season. We were dead and buried in the league, there was absolutely no way we could overturn Man Utd's lead but we put on a fantastic unbeaten run and in the end won it comfortably. Surely that couldn't have happened in real life could it?
And going the entire season unbeaten? Ludicrous! Never gonna happen. Except it did.
And surely a makeshift defence with Flamini at left back and Senderos in the middle could never get to a Champions League final? That's just cloud cuckoo land surely?
So don't panic Arsenal fans, we may be down but we're not out. We don't do things the 'real' way, we do things in a fantastical way, in a dreamworld way, in a we're-the-battling-underdog-not-got-a-hope-in-hell-Rocky-Balboa way, we do things The Arsenal Way.
Thursday, 30 April 2009
Wednesday, 22 April 2009
What's that in Silvestre's pocket? Er...lint?
I'm not one to bash Arsenal players, I'll bash players from other teams, I'll bash other teams fans and occasionally I'll even bash the bishop, but in general Arsenal players are off limits until they've left the club and then they're fair game.
So here's hoping this is Silvestre's only season for us.
He isn't solely to blame for our defensive woes this season, Toure, Gallas, Clichy, Gibbs, Fabianski and Sagna have all made mistakes which have lead to goals but every time Silvestre plays he scares the hell out of me.
Was he always this bad? Did he just look good in a great Man Utd team? Or has he lost his pace, positional sense or ability to tackle in his old age? Did he ever have these attributes in the first place? God knows.
I actually supported his signing, figuring he wouldn't play much and would give us some much needed experience in the changing room, but since he's been called upon I wonder what experience he brings. Gibbs was clearly jittery last night and not once did I see Silvestre go over and have a word or calm him down or even, god forbid, lead by example.
So he's not helping the youngsters and he's not doing the business on the pitch and sadly at the moment he's the only option we've got. Bring back Senderos, all is forgiven.
Either that or tell Bould to bring his boots for the next game.
So here's hoping this is Silvestre's only season for us.
He isn't solely to blame for our defensive woes this season, Toure, Gallas, Clichy, Gibbs, Fabianski and Sagna have all made mistakes which have lead to goals but every time Silvestre plays he scares the hell out of me.
Was he always this bad? Did he just look good in a great Man Utd team? Or has he lost his pace, positional sense or ability to tackle in his old age? Did he ever have these attributes in the first place? God knows.
I actually supported his signing, figuring he wouldn't play much and would give us some much needed experience in the changing room, but since he's been called upon I wonder what experience he brings. Gibbs was clearly jittery last night and not once did I see Silvestre go over and have a word or calm him down or even, god forbid, lead by example.
So he's not helping the youngsters and he's not doing the business on the pitch and sadly at the moment he's the only option we've got. Bring back Senderos, all is forgiven.
Either that or tell Bould to bring his boots for the next game.
Monday, 20 April 2009
Sky Super Sunday
Richard Keys: Hello and welcome to another cracking Sunday of football. Our first game today is a top of the table clash between Liverpool and Manchester United. Cocking hell, it doesn't get much cocking better than that does it? With me today is of course the ubiquitous Jamie Redknapp and Dion Dublin.
Redknapp: Hello Richard.
Dublin: Top o' the morning to ye.
Keys: Er...Dion, are you doing an Irish accent?
Dublin: Oi am, Richard. Oi've decided moi accent should match moi surname.
Keys: Marvellous. Now today's fixture could go a long way to deciding the eventual winners of the league. Jamie, as an ex-Liverpool player can I assume you'll be cocking rooting for them?
Redknapp: You can Richard. Though of course I have a lot of respect for Man Utd even though I never played for them, my father hasn't managed them and I have no relatives on the playing staff. I mean that must be the sign of a good team if they don't meet any of my usual criteria and I still respect them.
Keys: Very cocking true, Jamie. And Dion, as an ex-Man Utd man do you have the same respect for Liverpool?
Dublin: No oi don't, Richard. I think the manager is a big bollocks, the players are all bollockses and the city of Liverpool is entoirely populated by bollockses.
Keys: There's a large Irish contingent in Liverpool though.
Dublin: Bollocks.
Keys: Marvellous. And now without further ado let's join our commentarty team of Martin Tyler and Andy Gray.
Tyler: Thank you Richard. And what a game we have in store for us today. The two teams at the top of the table, you must be almost overflowing with excitement Andy?
Gray: Aye ah fockin well am, Martin. This is going to be an absolute classic. Two toap four teams battling it oot for the title of supreme champions of everything ever. It's fockin amazing. I mean lets face maist of the shite we show I couldnae be ersed with. It's fockin rubbish ah'm telling ye. I'd rather have your sweaty bawbags in mah fockin mooth than watch most of the fockin shite we have to put up with. Seriously Martin I'd rather have a dick up mah fockin erse...Martin? Martin? Are ye ok?
Martin: I...er...I appear to have...er...come in my pants, Andy.
Redknapp: Hello Richard.
Dublin: Top o' the morning to ye.
Keys: Er...Dion, are you doing an Irish accent?
Dublin: Oi am, Richard. Oi've decided moi accent should match moi surname.
Keys: Marvellous. Now today's fixture could go a long way to deciding the eventual winners of the league. Jamie, as an ex-Liverpool player can I assume you'll be cocking rooting for them?
Redknapp: You can Richard. Though of course I have a lot of respect for Man Utd even though I never played for them, my father hasn't managed them and I have no relatives on the playing staff. I mean that must be the sign of a good team if they don't meet any of my usual criteria and I still respect them.
Keys: Very cocking true, Jamie. And Dion, as an ex-Man Utd man do you have the same respect for Liverpool?
Dublin: No oi don't, Richard. I think the manager is a big bollocks, the players are all bollockses and the city of Liverpool is entoirely populated by bollockses.
Keys: There's a large Irish contingent in Liverpool though.
Dublin: Bollocks.
Keys: Marvellous. And now without further ado let's join our commentarty team of Martin Tyler and Andy Gray.
Tyler: Thank you Richard. And what a game we have in store for us today. The two teams at the top of the table, you must be almost overflowing with excitement Andy?
Gray: Aye ah fockin well am, Martin. This is going to be an absolute classic. Two toap four teams battling it oot for the title of supreme champions of everything ever. It's fockin amazing. I mean lets face maist of the shite we show I couldnae be ersed with. It's fockin rubbish ah'm telling ye. I'd rather have your sweaty bawbags in mah fockin mooth than watch most of the fockin shite we have to put up with. Seriously Martin I'd rather have a dick up mah fockin erse...Martin? Martin? Are ye ok?
Martin: I...er...I appear to have...er...come in my pants, Andy.
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
King's Conundrum
To quit or not to quit, that is the question. Whether it is nobler for me to bow out of international football to prolong my Tottenham career or suffer the constant agony in my knee and give everything for club and country?
Of course I owe Tottenham everything, they brought me through their youth ranks and put me into the first team. I played my socks off. Well I say played my socks off, I had to yank them off, the elastic was too tight and was cutting of the circulation in my weak, weak legs.
Then they made me captain, despite only appearing once every blue moon. I say once every blue moon, but in truth I did miss a couple of blue moons due to being injured.
Of course not everyone at Spurs was supportive. Darren Anderton and I never got on. He felt I was a threat to his place on the physio table. He was very competitive, always claiming he could get injured easier than me. But I showed him. One day I fly landed upon my outstretched leg and pop! my knee was dislocated. In your face Darren.
But I also have to think of my country. I've never been a regular at international level and not just because I'm always injured. I'm also just not good enough. There has always been at least two better defenders than me. But I'm sure my retirement would be a great loss to the England team nonetheless. They need someone to make Owen Hargreaves look like he's regularly fit. Who will fill that role now? Well I suppose they could try and see if Tomas Rosicky has any English relatives.
So what to do? If I retire I may be able to play four, maybe five, games a season for Spurs but if I keep my international dreams alive I may one day almost nearly be in contention for a starting place in the England team at a major tournament right up until about two days before it starts when bang! there goes my knee again.
It is quite the conundrum.
Of course I owe Tottenham everything, they brought me through their youth ranks and put me into the first team. I played my socks off. Well I say played my socks off, I had to yank them off, the elastic was too tight and was cutting of the circulation in my weak, weak legs.
Then they made me captain, despite only appearing once every blue moon. I say once every blue moon, but in truth I did miss a couple of blue moons due to being injured.
Of course not everyone at Spurs was supportive. Darren Anderton and I never got on. He felt I was a threat to his place on the physio table. He was very competitive, always claiming he could get injured easier than me. But I showed him. One day I fly landed upon my outstretched leg and pop! my knee was dislocated. In your face Darren.
But I also have to think of my country. I've never been a regular at international level and not just because I'm always injured. I'm also just not good enough. There has always been at least two better defenders than me. But I'm sure my retirement would be a great loss to the England team nonetheless. They need someone to make Owen Hargreaves look like he's regularly fit. Who will fill that role now? Well I suppose they could try and see if Tomas Rosicky has any English relatives.
So what to do? If I retire I may be able to play four, maybe five, games a season for Spurs but if I keep my international dreams alive I may one day almost nearly be in contention for a starting place in the England team at a major tournament right up until about two days before it starts when bang! there goes my knee again.
It is quite the conundrum.
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Arsenal. We're all about the spitting.
"For their club captain Cesc Fabregas to spit at my assistant at the end of the game shows you what this club is all about."
The above is a quote from Phil 'the stain in my pants is a nice shade of' Brown. Regardless of whether the incident happened or not what the bleedin' flip is Phil 'brother of Charlie' Brown talking about? Why would one player, Captain or not, spitting at someone reflect the club as a whole? Last season was our club all about sitting on the half way line crying? When Henry was captain was our club all about looking vaguely pissed off every time we scored? Or when Tony Adams was captain was our team all about getting drunk out of their minds at every available opportunity? Well actually the answer to the last one is yes. But the points still valid. One man's actions do not tell you what a club is all about.
And if they did surely Wenger's actions would supercede the captain's? In which case Arsenal would presumably be about myopia. So is Phil 'I wish Whitney had married me instead of Bobby' Brown not the main focal point of his team? Do his actions not represent how he wants people to perceive his team? Is he in fact leaving the burden of that particular responsibility entirely on his club captians shoulders? And if so what kind of manager is he? A shit one, clearly.
The above is a quote from Phil 'the stain in my pants is a nice shade of' Brown. Regardless of whether the incident happened or not what the bleedin' flip is Phil 'brother of Charlie' Brown talking about? Why would one player, Captain or not, spitting at someone reflect the club as a whole? Last season was our club all about sitting on the half way line crying? When Henry was captain was our club all about looking vaguely pissed off every time we scored? Or when Tony Adams was captain was our team all about getting drunk out of their minds at every available opportunity? Well actually the answer to the last one is yes. But the points still valid. One man's actions do not tell you what a club is all about.
And if they did surely Wenger's actions would supercede the captain's? In which case Arsenal would presumably be about myopia. So is Phil 'I wish Whitney had married me instead of Bobby' Brown not the main focal point of his team? Do his actions not represent how he wants people to perceive his team? Is he in fact leaving the burden of that particular responsibility entirely on his club captians shoulders? And if so what kind of manager is he? A shit one, clearly.
Thursday, 12 March 2009
Arshavin Talks To Garth Crooks
(For those who missed my brief appearance as Parlour's Annual Hat-trick on 606)
The following is an interview given by Andrey Arshavin to everyone's favourite pundit, Garth Crooks, discussing his recent move to Arsenal.
Garth: Hello Andrey, your name is the equivalent of the British name Andrew.
Arshavin: Erm...ok.
Garth: Having recently moved from Zenit St Petersburg which is a Russian team to Arsenal in England there will have been many cultural differences you've had to face. The language barrier, the food, the people you meet all of these are very different to your native country.
Arshavin: Erm...also in my country our interviewers ask questions rather than make statements.
Garth: As a player I found that foreigners often struggled to adapt to the pace of English football. You have also said this has been the biggest challenge for you. Which shows that we as footballers are on the same wavelength, because I believe deep down all footballers are the same.
Arshavin: Erm...I'm sorry are you interviewing me our just stating your views on football?
Garth: Interviewing obviously. My style is somewhat different to your average pundit. I'm more erudite, more verbose, better educated, I am in short an football intellectual.
Arshavin: Did you play football?
Garth: Yes. For Tottenham.
Arshavin: Ah I see.
Garth: So cultural differences in football...
Arshavin: I have noticed in England that all the players wear boxer shorts, in Russia we never do this.
Garth: Why not?
Arshavin: Chernobyl fallout.
The following is an interview given by Andrey Arshavin to everyone's favourite pundit, Garth Crooks, discussing his recent move to Arsenal.
Garth: Hello Andrey, your name is the equivalent of the British name Andrew.
Arshavin: Erm...ok.
Garth: Having recently moved from Zenit St Petersburg which is a Russian team to Arsenal in England there will have been many cultural differences you've had to face. The language barrier, the food, the people you meet all of these are very different to your native country.
Arshavin: Erm...also in my country our interviewers ask questions rather than make statements.
Garth: As a player I found that foreigners often struggled to adapt to the pace of English football. You have also said this has been the biggest challenge for you. Which shows that we as footballers are on the same wavelength, because I believe deep down all footballers are the same.
Arshavin: Erm...I'm sorry are you interviewing me our just stating your views on football?
Garth: Interviewing obviously. My style is somewhat different to your average pundit. I'm more erudite, more verbose, better educated, I am in short an football intellectual.
Arshavin: Did you play football?
Garth: Yes. For Tottenham.
Arshavin: Ah I see.
Garth: So cultural differences in football...
Arshavin: I have noticed in England that all the players wear boxer shorts, in Russia we never do this.
Garth: Why not?
Arshavin: Chernobyl fallout.
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
Sod 'em then
Once again I have been banned from 606. My favourite part is that they give no explanation for it but they have sent an email saying my profile, only recently approved by the mods, was 'off-topic' this is a profile in which I stated I was Arsenal born and bred. This has led me to believe the BBC 606 boards are not a sports forum at all but instead are in fact a forum for the brainwashing of young minds.
I think the BBC believe if they can attract enough 16 year olds they will be able to mould them into non-offensive, humourless adults by the twin threats of pre-moderation and banning. In this way they can create the next generation of bland, safe broadcasters and the BBC will never have to go through the Brand/Ross debacle ever again.
The future is dull the future is beige.
Thanks for all the support but I'm afraid I can no longer be arsed with trying to get back on 606. I will probably keep scanning the boards (it beats doing real work) but I shall no longer be infesting the boards with my evil, subversive filth.
I will keep posting it here and on Dave's blog though. Incidentally did anyone notice that they said that both JJG and DP's comments were unacceptable? What did Dave ever do? Well apart from all the xenophobia, ignorance and condoning of violence masquerading as British grit? I always thought that was the BBC's core values.
And just to finish off this ill-focused rant: who exactly does necrophilia offend anyway? The dead? Well fuck them.
I think the BBC believe if they can attract enough 16 year olds they will be able to mould them into non-offensive, humourless adults by the twin threats of pre-moderation and banning. In this way they can create the next generation of bland, safe broadcasters and the BBC will never have to go through the Brand/Ross debacle ever again.
The future is dull the future is beige.
Thanks for all the support but I'm afraid I can no longer be arsed with trying to get back on 606. I will probably keep scanning the boards (it beats doing real work) but I shall no longer be infesting the boards with my evil, subversive filth.
I will keep posting it here and on Dave's blog though. Incidentally did anyone notice that they said that both JJG and DP's comments were unacceptable? What did Dave ever do? Well apart from all the xenophobia, ignorance and condoning of violence masquerading as British grit? I always thought that was the BBC's core values.
And just to finish off this ill-focused rant: who exactly does necrophilia offend anyway? The dead? Well fuck them.
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