Is the current Arsenal team our best for years? No, of course it isn't but I can't remember the last time our form was this good. This could have more to do with the in and out nature of my brain but we seem to be winning a lot recently. We're not playing as spectacularly as we have in the past but we're at our most cohesive as a unit possibly since 2007/8. Obviously I would take Fabregas back in a shot but when he was in midfield we didn't have the balance we do now. There is a calmness to our play that is completely at odds with the gung-ho, attack-at-all costs mentality we've seen in recent years, there is dare I say it a maturity to our play. Now this is probably because our players are a bit more mature. On Saturday our least experienced players were Szczesny and Ramsey. Both established internationals, one of them the captain of his country. Our team is finally coming of age.
You would think then that we'd be pretty confident going into tomorrow's game against Dortmund, the 4th seeds for our group, but despite the results on the pitch I still get a sense of tension from the Arsenal fans. We are of course conditioned to believe that Arsenal will do things the hard way, we always have, but it's a bit more than that. I think at the moment none of our fans want to put they're heads above the parapet and admit that right now we're actually a pretty damn good team. Which is fair enough because the first person to do that will be responsible for the inevitable jinx that such a statement would inevitably cause. And I think I may have just done it. Whoops.
But we really are good at the moment. Mertesacker's mistake aside our defence looks more solid than it has done for years, and we have a commanding keeper behind them. Our midfield is getting such a good understanding that I'm not even certain Wilshere will walk into the first team when he returns and up front Robin, Theo and Gervinho all look like creating chances even if only Robin looks like scoring them.
All this can change in an instant, of course, but you can't judge the team on what might happen but on what is happening now. Too often in the past we've got ahead of ourselves, imagined glory based on what ifs and now we're imagining tragedy on the same basis. But I've decided to live in the here and now and right here and right now, we're doing pretty damn well actually.
Tuesday, 22 November 2011
Monday, 7 November 2011
Best So Far
At the end of the season we will look back and as ever we will ask ourselves what was our best performance. Now hopefully our best game is yet to come but at the moment most people would probably plump for our victory against Chelsea. I, on the other hand, would say it was the game against West Brom. Yes Chelsea are a better class of opposition, and yes we put 5 goals past them at their ground but overall in the game against West Brom we were better.
We worked as a team, arguably for the first time this year. Yes Van Persie scored one and set up two but his performance was backed up by the other 10 men on the pitch. It was possibly the most comfortable we've looked this calendar year and we barely gave West Brom a sniff at goal. It was professional, and it's hard to remember the last time we looked like that.
We have a run of games that on paper look pretty easy now and that should send fear up the spines of all Arsenal fans, it has been a feature of Arsene Wenger's reign that these are the games we screw up. However the display against West Brom should have eased our fears, perhaps it's the fact that we have a few more older heads in the team now but in recent weeks we have shown far fewer signs of fragility and we're starting to go about the job with calm efficiency. Which is very much unlike us.
In other news Marco Van Basten, who I have always had a huge soft spot for, has said that Van Persie should stay at Arsenal for life. He made some very flattering points about Arsenal as a club and it's nice to see that the view of our club on the continent may not have been as damaged as it has in England by our recent form. Whether Robin will listen to Van Basten is doubtful, but I can't imagine his words would go unnoticed. At this point I was going to try and use a former England international giving advice to a current player as an analogy but I couldn't think of any player in recent times that has the same sort of status as Van Basten has in Holland, I then thought about using Geoff Hurst but quite frankly he get's on my tits and is living off his 1966 hat-trick if you ask me. So imagine if you will a former England striker who had similar qualities to Wayne Rooney but unlike Rooney had performed brilliantly for both club and country and had actually won stuff at an international level giving Wayne Rooney some advice in his career. Rooney would be a fool not to listen wouldn't he? Of course Wayne Rooney is a fool, let's hope Van Persie isn't.
We worked as a team, arguably for the first time this year. Yes Van Persie scored one and set up two but his performance was backed up by the other 10 men on the pitch. It was possibly the most comfortable we've looked this calendar year and we barely gave West Brom a sniff at goal. It was professional, and it's hard to remember the last time we looked like that.
We have a run of games that on paper look pretty easy now and that should send fear up the spines of all Arsenal fans, it has been a feature of Arsene Wenger's reign that these are the games we screw up. However the display against West Brom should have eased our fears, perhaps it's the fact that we have a few more older heads in the team now but in recent weeks we have shown far fewer signs of fragility and we're starting to go about the job with calm efficiency. Which is very much unlike us.
In other news Marco Van Basten, who I have always had a huge soft spot for, has said that Van Persie should stay at Arsenal for life. He made some very flattering points about Arsenal as a club and it's nice to see that the view of our club on the continent may not have been as damaged as it has in England by our recent form. Whether Robin will listen to Van Basten is doubtful, but I can't imagine his words would go unnoticed. At this point I was going to try and use a former England international giving advice to a current player as an analogy but I couldn't think of any player in recent times that has the same sort of status as Van Basten has in Holland, I then thought about using Geoff Hurst but quite frankly he get's on my tits and is living off his 1966 hat-trick if you ask me. So imagine if you will a former England striker who had similar qualities to Wayne Rooney but unlike Rooney had performed brilliantly for both club and country and had actually won stuff at an international level giving Wayne Rooney some advice in his career. Rooney would be a fool not to listen wouldn't he? Of course Wayne Rooney is a fool, let's hope Van Persie isn't.
Thursday, 3 November 2011
Trend setting
The 0-0 against Marseille was down to many things. Fatigue after the Chelsea game, apparently; The lack of Van Persie up front and good defending by the French team. We could sit here all day and argue the relative merits of all those arguments but we won't because I don't want to.
What I want to do is to highlight a trend I've noticed over the last few years when Arsenal draw 0-0. Now I'm not going to back this up with empirical evidence so it could just be spurious nonsense but has anyone else noticed that while we don't have that many scoreless draws when we have one we tend to have a little run of them. In many ways they're like buses: they're ugly, they're annoying, they smell and if you haven't got your earphones in then you end up wanting to punch some noisy child in the back of the head. To be honest though I'm not sure a run of scoreless draws is what we need right now. Sure the clean sheets would be nice but we've got a little run of winnable games coming up and it would be quite nice if we could, y'know, win them.
In order for us to do that it seems that we need Van Persie to play every game because no other bugger can score when he's not there. This is problematic. Firstly because there's an international break coming up and we've got through two without Robin being murdered so there's no chance of him getting through this one and secondly because we need to be able to trust our whole squad and at the moment we can't. Our first team is looking pretty balanced at the moment and I think with Vermaelen back and Koscielny looking excellent we can start stiffeningup our defence. I like Song and Arteta in midfield despite what Graeme Souness was saying after the Marseille match "once you get past those two your right on to the back four". Yes, Graeme, but that applies to all midfields doesn't it? If you get past them you reach the defence, you moron. Ramsey is starting to look like he really can pull the strings and link midfield with attack and Walcott and Gervinho seem to be able to provide the chances for RVP but without our captain none of our attacking players seem to have any kind of understanding. Hopefully that will come with more games but at the moment we can't afford to give them the time to get that understanding. It's catch-22.
Speaking of Catch-22 there is a scene in that book where a man is lying in hospital covered head to toe in bandages with a drip in his arm providing sustenance and a cathater to store all the urine. Every now and then a nurse comes in and swaps the bags around. Maybe Arsenal should take this approach, surely people would work a lot harder on there recovery if they were being force fed their own filth every day. In fact perhaps we've already started doing it. I mean we currently have Tomas Rosicky, Robin Van Persie AND Thomas Vermaelen fit. Now if we can just cure Abou Diaby of his human waste product addiction we'd be laughing.
What I want to do is to highlight a trend I've noticed over the last few years when Arsenal draw 0-0. Now I'm not going to back this up with empirical evidence so it could just be spurious nonsense but has anyone else noticed that while we don't have that many scoreless draws when we have one we tend to have a little run of them. In many ways they're like buses: they're ugly, they're annoying, they smell and if you haven't got your earphones in then you end up wanting to punch some noisy child in the back of the head. To be honest though I'm not sure a run of scoreless draws is what we need right now. Sure the clean sheets would be nice but we've got a little run of winnable games coming up and it would be quite nice if we could, y'know, win them.
In order for us to do that it seems that we need Van Persie to play every game because no other bugger can score when he's not there. This is problematic. Firstly because there's an international break coming up and we've got through two without Robin being murdered so there's no chance of him getting through this one and secondly because we need to be able to trust our whole squad and at the moment we can't. Our first team is looking pretty balanced at the moment and I think with Vermaelen back and Koscielny looking excellent we can start stiffeningup our defence. I like Song and Arteta in midfield despite what Graeme Souness was saying after the Marseille match "once you get past those two your right on to the back four". Yes, Graeme, but that applies to all midfields doesn't it? If you get past them you reach the defence, you moron. Ramsey is starting to look like he really can pull the strings and link midfield with attack and Walcott and Gervinho seem to be able to provide the chances for RVP but without our captain none of our attacking players seem to have any kind of understanding. Hopefully that will come with more games but at the moment we can't afford to give them the time to get that understanding. It's catch-22.
Speaking of Catch-22 there is a scene in that book where a man is lying in hospital covered head to toe in bandages with a drip in his arm providing sustenance and a cathater to store all the urine. Every now and then a nurse comes in and swaps the bags around. Maybe Arsenal should take this approach, surely people would work a lot harder on there recovery if they were being force fed their own filth every day. In fact perhaps we've already started doing it. I mean we currently have Tomas Rosicky, Robin Van Persie AND Thomas Vermaelen fit. Now if we can just cure Abou Diaby of his human waste product addiction we'd be laughing.
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
A Change of Tactics
I realise it has been quite some time since I updated this blog and I confess it may be quite some time before I update it again. But I have decided that when I do add blogs they will now be in a more serious vein (see my last post below for an example.) This is not down to the fact that I can no longer extract humour from Arsenal's situation, I can, plenty of it. It's more down to the fact that I want to attempt to flex my writing skills in a more traditional blog format. I may pop the occasional sketch on here if I feel it's of "Super Quality" but mainly this will now be a forum for my actual thoughts and feelings, which is quite scary because I'd previously assumed I didn't have any.
So let the bona fide blogging begin:
You can't go wrong with the Carling Cup. Unless you count last year's final, obviously. But in general these games are a far more relaxing proposition to the higher profile competitions we're involved in, and I personally love them. Not just because it's a chance to see the kids and fringe players but because it's one of the few chances we get to sit back and just enjoy a match. If we lose, then it's a shame but it's not the end of the world it's still a good learning curve for the players and if we win we can pretend that all these youngsters are the future of Arsenal and that the future is bright.
The truth is a little different however. If you look at the players that have made it through the youth ranks at Arsenal very few of them have played a large amount of Carling Cup games before they became first team regulars. Fabregas, Wilshere, Cole all went pretty much straight in at the top. On the other hand the likes of Lupoli and Simpson both impressed often in the Carling Cup and where are they now? I hear Simpson is at Millwall and Lupoli is slopping out the pigs at Godstone Farm in Surrey.
Today we may see Chuks Aneke, who as far as I'm concerned should be a first team player on the strength of his name alone and Emmanuel Frimpong who IS a first team player on the strength of his name alone. We could also see Vermaelen's come back which would be a great boost for the club but with Koscielny's recent form I'm not certain he'll get his first team place back without a fight. Unless he can play right back, or Wenger finally decides that he wants a left back who understands what defending is but I can't see that happening. In truth I've always been against using Vermaelen as a left back unless we're truly desperate, he is far too good a central defender to be wasted out wide but that's a debate for another day and that day is about two months ago.
So back to the Carling Cup. I'm excited about this match in a way that I haven't been for an Arsenal match all season. I think even with our youngsters out that we should win and I have absolutely none of the feelings of dread that has blighted the pre-match build up for every other game this year. It's a feeling I'd like to hold on to but I fear by Saturday I'll be back to the more familiar feelings of impending doom. Until then though it actually feels good to be a Gooner again, let's revel in it.
If you desire you can follow @johnjensensgoal on Twitter.
So let the bona fide blogging begin:
You can't go wrong with the Carling Cup. Unless you count last year's final, obviously. But in general these games are a far more relaxing proposition to the higher profile competitions we're involved in, and I personally love them. Not just because it's a chance to see the kids and fringe players but because it's one of the few chances we get to sit back and just enjoy a match. If we lose, then it's a shame but it's not the end of the world it's still a good learning curve for the players and if we win we can pretend that all these youngsters are the future of Arsenal and that the future is bright.
The truth is a little different however. If you look at the players that have made it through the youth ranks at Arsenal very few of them have played a large amount of Carling Cup games before they became first team regulars. Fabregas, Wilshere, Cole all went pretty much straight in at the top. On the other hand the likes of Lupoli and Simpson both impressed often in the Carling Cup and where are they now? I hear Simpson is at Millwall and Lupoli is slopping out the pigs at Godstone Farm in Surrey.
Today we may see Chuks Aneke, who as far as I'm concerned should be a first team player on the strength of his name alone and Emmanuel Frimpong who IS a first team player on the strength of his name alone. We could also see Vermaelen's come back which would be a great boost for the club but with Koscielny's recent form I'm not certain he'll get his first team place back without a fight. Unless he can play right back, or Wenger finally decides that he wants a left back who understands what defending is but I can't see that happening. In truth I've always been against using Vermaelen as a left back unless we're truly desperate, he is far too good a central defender to be wasted out wide but that's a debate for another day and that day is about two months ago.
So back to the Carling Cup. I'm excited about this match in a way that I haven't been for an Arsenal match all season. I think even with our youngsters out that we should win and I have absolutely none of the feelings of dread that has blighted the pre-match build up for every other game this year. It's a feeling I'd like to hold on to but I fear by Saturday I'll be back to the more familiar feelings of impending doom. Until then though it actually feels good to be a Gooner again, let's revel in it.
If you desire you can follow @johnjensensgoal on Twitter.
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
With fans like these...
It's always hard to sort out the genuine, pessimistic Arsenal fans from the wind up merchants from other clubs because most of the time they're in total agreement.
Now I don't believe us fans aren't allowed to criticise our club, it is entirely our perogative but the vitriolic abuse that our players and manager receive baffles me. There seems to be no desire to get behind the team, no wish to look at the positives and in many cases a complete lack of any kind of grasp on reality.
Now I fear I may have lost some people by now who will have dismissed me as one of the 'Arsene Knows Brigade' as if there can only be two kinds of fan, those who blindly support Wenger and those who forcefully despise him. This is not the case. Wenger has made mistakes, every manager does, but in general I believe Wenger's mistakes are far outweighed by the good things he brings to this club.
"But what about the 6 years without a trophy?", you cry. Well what about it? 6 years isn't really that long. If we'd gone 6 years without challenging for a trophy then I'd be angrier but that's not the case.
In fact I'd go so far as to say the only reason you expect us to be winning more things is because of Arsene Wenger. What he did in the first few years at the club was remarkable and he hasn't been able to match that but he has raised our expectations massively. Under George Graham we were a good team, tough to beat and not a team you'd write off in any competitions but we were never favourites for anything. We were the underdog in most of our European games, we were a club who'd generally be towards the top of the table but if we weren't challenging for the title each year it was no great surprise. We were just happy to be out of the mid-table mediocrity that had beset us during the 70's. We were always a pretty big club rather than a massive club. A club with history and tradition but not on the level of the likes of Liverpool or Man Utd.
Wenger pushed us to aim to be at their level and for a few years we were, and more recently we've slumped. Perhaps Wenger should have splashed the cash more. But financially we've not been able to compete with the recent super-rich clubs and it's all very well saying £10m for Smalling wouldn't have broken the bank but if we'd put in a £10m bid for him who's to say Man Utd wouldn't have raised there's to £15m and we just can't afford to compete for every player in a bidding war. But Wenger still has sway, it was him who convinced Ramsey to join us rather than Man Utd. Very few other managers in the world have that sort of lure.
It's easy for us to shout about what we want to happen but are we so arrogant as to believe we really know better than Wenger about what's right for the club? Why didn't we buy Cahill and Schwarzer? Well is Schwarzer really so much better than the keepers we've got? And if he is why hasn't a bigger team than Fulham ever tried to sign him? And Cahill who would cost anything upwards of £15m really good enough to come straight in ahead of Koscielny and Djourou? And if he is would those players be willing to accept that they're 4th choice? I doubt it, which means we'd lose at least one of them and we'd be back to square one.
As I say there are areas that we need to strengthen. We need someone who can compete with Song as neither Diaby or Denilson are good enough in that position. I also personally think that if Wenger doesn't think Bartley or Miquel are ready for Premier League football yet then we need to bring in a decent young defender who'll be happy to be a back up but is ready to throw straight in to the big games.
Finally I'd like to point out the one thing people seem to be ignoring at the moment in order to spread their messages of doom. We're in a really good position in the league. We can be masters of our own destiny rather than rely on other results and we can win the league. We might not, but we can.
Wenger has once again put us in a position that our expectations have been raised and maybe we'll end up heartbroken but if you're not ready to have your hopes shattered then don't be a football fan. And remember compared to over 90% of clubs in this country we've got it really, really good. We are consistently one of the top four teams in the country. We've played and beaten Barcelona we've reached cup finals and we've fought for leagues. We play Champions League football every year. Most fans would give their right arm for even a fraction of what we class as a poor season. Arsenal in my eyes have always been a flawed diamond, and I like it that way.
I don't really go in for the pithy slogans that some fans use to describe their support but if you said I could have all Man Utd's success, I could have all Man City's money or I could have all Barcelona's skill my answer would always be the same.
I'd rather be watching Arsenal.
Now I don't believe us fans aren't allowed to criticise our club, it is entirely our perogative but the vitriolic abuse that our players and manager receive baffles me. There seems to be no desire to get behind the team, no wish to look at the positives and in many cases a complete lack of any kind of grasp on reality.
Now I fear I may have lost some people by now who will have dismissed me as one of the 'Arsene Knows Brigade' as if there can only be two kinds of fan, those who blindly support Wenger and those who forcefully despise him. This is not the case. Wenger has made mistakes, every manager does, but in general I believe Wenger's mistakes are far outweighed by the good things he brings to this club.
"But what about the 6 years without a trophy?", you cry. Well what about it? 6 years isn't really that long. If we'd gone 6 years without challenging for a trophy then I'd be angrier but that's not the case.
In fact I'd go so far as to say the only reason you expect us to be winning more things is because of Arsene Wenger. What he did in the first few years at the club was remarkable and he hasn't been able to match that but he has raised our expectations massively. Under George Graham we were a good team, tough to beat and not a team you'd write off in any competitions but we were never favourites for anything. We were the underdog in most of our European games, we were a club who'd generally be towards the top of the table but if we weren't challenging for the title each year it was no great surprise. We were just happy to be out of the mid-table mediocrity that had beset us during the 70's. We were always a pretty big club rather than a massive club. A club with history and tradition but not on the level of the likes of Liverpool or Man Utd.
Wenger pushed us to aim to be at their level and for a few years we were, and more recently we've slumped. Perhaps Wenger should have splashed the cash more. But financially we've not been able to compete with the recent super-rich clubs and it's all very well saying £10m for Smalling wouldn't have broken the bank but if we'd put in a £10m bid for him who's to say Man Utd wouldn't have raised there's to £15m and we just can't afford to compete for every player in a bidding war. But Wenger still has sway, it was him who convinced Ramsey to join us rather than Man Utd. Very few other managers in the world have that sort of lure.
It's easy for us to shout about what we want to happen but are we so arrogant as to believe we really know better than Wenger about what's right for the club? Why didn't we buy Cahill and Schwarzer? Well is Schwarzer really so much better than the keepers we've got? And if he is why hasn't a bigger team than Fulham ever tried to sign him? And Cahill who would cost anything upwards of £15m really good enough to come straight in ahead of Koscielny and Djourou? And if he is would those players be willing to accept that they're 4th choice? I doubt it, which means we'd lose at least one of them and we'd be back to square one.
As I say there are areas that we need to strengthen. We need someone who can compete with Song as neither Diaby or Denilson are good enough in that position. I also personally think that if Wenger doesn't think Bartley or Miquel are ready for Premier League football yet then we need to bring in a decent young defender who'll be happy to be a back up but is ready to throw straight in to the big games.
Finally I'd like to point out the one thing people seem to be ignoring at the moment in order to spread their messages of doom. We're in a really good position in the league. We can be masters of our own destiny rather than rely on other results and we can win the league. We might not, but we can.
Wenger has once again put us in a position that our expectations have been raised and maybe we'll end up heartbroken but if you're not ready to have your hopes shattered then don't be a football fan. And remember compared to over 90% of clubs in this country we've got it really, really good. We are consistently one of the top four teams in the country. We've played and beaten Barcelona we've reached cup finals and we've fought for leagues. We play Champions League football every year. Most fans would give their right arm for even a fraction of what we class as a poor season. Arsenal in my eyes have always been a flawed diamond, and I like it that way.
I don't really go in for the pithy slogans that some fans use to describe their support but if you said I could have all Man Utd's success, I could have all Man City's money or I could have all Barcelona's skill my answer would always be the same.
I'd rather be watching Arsenal.
Thursday, 10 March 2011
Harry's Lab
In a dark basement on a stormy night in the dirty half of North London Harry Redknapp is working in his laboratory.
Harry: Jamie! Come here!
Jamie: Yes Dad.
Harry: How many times? You call me master in the lab boy. And lisp more.
Jamie: Yeth Mathter.
Harry: Tonight my boy we're going to create the ultimate footballer, strong, quick, intelligent, unbreakable.
Jamie: Like I wath Dad?
Harry: Yes...just like you were...Now first we need a footballers brain.
Jamie: I'll go and kill Paul Thcoleth.
Harry: Who?
Jamie: Paul Thcoleth.
Harry: I'm sorry, again?
Jamie: PAUL THCOLETH!
Harry: Nope, I'm still not getting it.
Jamie: I'll kill Michael Carrick.
Harry: Yeah that'll do. Now we need pace.
Jamie: I'll thteal Theo Walcott'th legs, mathter.
Harry: Seo Walcott?
Jamie: No Theo! Oh thod it. Aaron Lennon'th will do.
Harry: Now strength!
Jamie: (under breath) Eththein? No. Mathcerano? No. Thong? Definitely no. How about that bloke from Wolveth who'th built like a brick thithouse?
Harry: I don't know his name?
Jamie: Nor do I, which ith a bonuth. I'll take hith tortho.
Harry: Now unbreakability.
Jamie: Not really my thpecialty mathter.
Harry: No. We'll just chuck in a shatterproof ruler, that'll do.
Jamie: The monthter ith ready mathter.
Harry: Now all we need is a lightening storm and we'll have the perfect footballer.
Jamie: I could jutht plug him into the mainth?
Harry: Good idea, Jamie. Mwahahahahahaha!
Jamie: Erm...whoopth.
Harry: What?
Jamie: I theem to have uthed Carrick'th pace, Eboue'th thtrength and that bloke from Wolveth brain. And the thatterproof ruler theemth to be bent.
Harry: You idiot! What will we do?
Jamie: Call it Jermaine Jenath?
Harry: Jamie! Come here!
Jamie: Yes Dad.
Harry: How many times? You call me master in the lab boy. And lisp more.
Jamie: Yeth Mathter.
Harry: Tonight my boy we're going to create the ultimate footballer, strong, quick, intelligent, unbreakable.
Jamie: Like I wath Dad?
Harry: Yes...just like you were...Now first we need a footballers brain.
Jamie: I'll go and kill Paul Thcoleth.
Harry: Who?
Jamie: Paul Thcoleth.
Harry: I'm sorry, again?
Jamie: PAUL THCOLETH!
Harry: Nope, I'm still not getting it.
Jamie: I'll kill Michael Carrick.
Harry: Yeah that'll do. Now we need pace.
Jamie: I'll thteal Theo Walcott'th legs, mathter.
Harry: Seo Walcott?
Jamie: No Theo! Oh thod it. Aaron Lennon'th will do.
Harry: Now strength!
Jamie: (under breath) Eththein? No. Mathcerano? No. Thong? Definitely no. How about that bloke from Wolveth who'th built like a brick thithouse?
Harry: I don't know his name?
Jamie: Nor do I, which ith a bonuth. I'll take hith tortho.
Harry: Now unbreakability.
Jamie: Not really my thpecialty mathter.
Harry: No. We'll just chuck in a shatterproof ruler, that'll do.
Jamie: The monthter ith ready mathter.
Harry: Now all we need is a lightening storm and we'll have the perfect footballer.
Jamie: I could jutht plug him into the mainth?
Harry: Good idea, Jamie. Mwahahahahahaha!
Jamie: Erm...whoopth.
Harry: What?
Jamie: I theem to have uthed Carrick'th pace, Eboue'th thtrength and that bloke from Wolveth brain. And the thatterproof ruler theemth to be bent.
Harry: You idiot! What will we do?
Jamie: Call it Jermaine Jenath?
Due to technical incompetence the podcast has been put on hold for a bit.
However you can follow me on Twitter http://twitter.com/JohnJensensGoal
And I might even try and post reasonably regularly on here again.
Keep watching this space.
However you can follow me on Twitter http://twitter.com/JohnJensensGoal
And I might even try and post reasonably regularly on here again.
Keep watching this space.
Friday, 11 February 2011
Coming Soon!
The JohnJensen'sGoalCast!
A brand new podcast bringing slightly old and regurgitated jokes straight to your ears.
Watch this space!
A brand new podcast bringing slightly old and regurgitated jokes straight to your ears.
Watch this space!
Monday, 14 September 2009
Adebayor or Hitler: Who is Wurst?
Originally posted on 606, re-posted here due to it's rather offensive content about chilis I presume)
Emmanual Adebayor and Adolf Hitler are very different people. One is the most evil man ever to walk the face of the planet, whose very existence has caused pain to millions of families across the world and is only counterbalanced by the ultimate force of good; Al from Die Hard whereas the other one is Hitler.
I'm joking of course. However if you had to say who you hated more right now who would it be?
Now let's look at the pros and the cons for them both:
Hitler - Pros
Vegetarian (which is a pro because it enables him to determine the strength of chilis just by the colour and size - very handy)
Banned Fox Hunting
Looks like Charlie Chaplin
Cons
Invaded Poland bringing about the most violent and destructive war of all time.
Adebayor - Pros
He's got a nice smile.
Scores goals.
Cons
Kicks people in the face.
Causes anger amongst opposition fans.
Greedy.
May or may not know his chillis.
So there you have it Hitler has less cons and more pros. This is as close as conclusive proof as your average 606er can cope with, without having some kind of embolism.
But the real choice is yours.
Who is worse or indeed wurst (which is German for worse, or possibly sausage, I'm not sure.)
Adebayor - Vote 5*
Hitler - Vote 1*
I would have to say the only way I could forgive Ade is if he came out the press and said "There's not a day goes by I don't feel regret. Not because I'm in here, or because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can't. That kid's long gone and this old man is all that's left. I got to live with that."
But then Adebayor is no Morgan Freeman is he? He's barely even Denzil Washington.
Emmanual Adebayor and Adolf Hitler are very different people. One is the most evil man ever to walk the face of the planet, whose very existence has caused pain to millions of families across the world and is only counterbalanced by the ultimate force of good; Al from Die Hard whereas the other one is Hitler.
I'm joking of course. However if you had to say who you hated more right now who would it be?
Now let's look at the pros and the cons for them both:
Hitler - Pros
Vegetarian (which is a pro because it enables him to determine the strength of chilis just by the colour and size - very handy)
Banned Fox Hunting
Looks like Charlie Chaplin
Cons
Invaded Poland bringing about the most violent and destructive war of all time.
Adebayor - Pros
He's got a nice smile.
Scores goals.
Cons
Kicks people in the face.
Causes anger amongst opposition fans.
Greedy.
May or may not know his chillis.
So there you have it Hitler has less cons and more pros. This is as close as conclusive proof as your average 606er can cope with, without having some kind of embolism.
But the real choice is yours.
Who is worse or indeed wurst (which is German for worse, or possibly sausage, I'm not sure.)
Adebayor - Vote 5*
Hitler - Vote 1*
I would have to say the only way I could forgive Ade is if he came out the press and said "There's not a day goes by I don't feel regret. Not because I'm in here, or because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can't. That kid's long gone and this old man is all that's left. I got to live with that."
But then Adebayor is no Morgan Freeman is he? He's barely even Denzil Washington.
Wednesday, 9 September 2009
Sky Super Sunday - The Return
Richard Keys: Hello and welcome to another Sky Super Sunday. So super that it would even make Superman spaff in his pants. Now that's pretty cocking super, I'm sure you'll agree. With me today is football's favourite scion, Jamie Redknapp and Dutch legend, Ruud Gullit.
Redknapp: Literally hello.
Gullit: Awright me old mucker?
Keys: Marvellous. Today's game sees recently promoted Burnley palying the cocking awesome might of Chelsea. Can Burnley cause an upset Ruud?
Gullit: Nah bruv. Burnley have only got two 'opes. Bob and no. Hahaha. Bob 'Ope. D'ya get it?
Keys: Er yes Ruud. Marvellous. Erm...why are you talking like that, aren't you Dutch?
Gullit: Well bruv. I 'eard McClaren doing on all that 'yesh ishn't football schpectacular' nonsense and I realised that Dutch people saand stupid. So I got meself a voice coach and now I speak like a proper geezer, innit.
Redknapp: I agree with everything Ruud said.
Keys: So you don't think Burnley have a cocking hope in hell then, Jamie?
Redknapp: Well I wouldn't say that. I mean Burnley are a good team...
Gullit: No they aint.
Redknapp: That's true.
Gullit: You really are spineless intchya?
Redknapp: Yep.
Gullit: I serviced your wife last night. She loved it.
Redknapp: Well as long as she's happy.
Keys: Splendid. And now without further ado lets go to our match commentators, Martin Tyler
and Andy Gray.
Tyler: Thank you Richard. Well Andy it's a tough ask for Burnley. How do you see this match panning out?
Gray: Aye well it's pretty much pointless Burnley turning up if ye ask me Martin, which ye probably did, I cannae remember, nor do I care, ye wee english erse. Chelsea are a toap four team. And as we all know the toap four dinnae get beaten by the likes ay Burnley.
Tyler: They beat Man Utd.
Gray: Shut it, ye cont. Ah'm the voice ay fitba. Ye're just an erse and dinnae forget it.
Tyler: Sorry Andy. I think you should punish me.
Gray: What?! I'm no a fruit, ye ken?
Tyler: I could dress like a schoolgirl?
Gray: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Would ye wear a wig?
Tyler: Yep.
Gray: Aye...well...mebbe meet me at the usual place after The Final Word then.
Redknapp: Literally hello.
Gullit: Awright me old mucker?
Keys: Marvellous. Today's game sees recently promoted Burnley palying the cocking awesome might of Chelsea. Can Burnley cause an upset Ruud?
Gullit: Nah bruv. Burnley have only got two 'opes. Bob and no. Hahaha. Bob 'Ope. D'ya get it?
Keys: Er yes Ruud. Marvellous. Erm...why are you talking like that, aren't you Dutch?
Gullit: Well bruv. I 'eard McClaren doing on all that 'yesh ishn't football schpectacular' nonsense and I realised that Dutch people saand stupid. So I got meself a voice coach and now I speak like a proper geezer, innit.
Redknapp: I agree with everything Ruud said.
Keys: So you don't think Burnley have a cocking hope in hell then, Jamie?
Redknapp: Well I wouldn't say that. I mean Burnley are a good team...
Gullit: No they aint.
Redknapp: That's true.
Gullit: You really are spineless intchya?
Redknapp: Yep.
Gullit: I serviced your wife last night. She loved it.
Redknapp: Well as long as she's happy.
Keys: Splendid. And now without further ado lets go to our match commentators, Martin Tyler
and Andy Gray.
Tyler: Thank you Richard. Well Andy it's a tough ask for Burnley. How do you see this match panning out?
Gray: Aye well it's pretty much pointless Burnley turning up if ye ask me Martin, which ye probably did, I cannae remember, nor do I care, ye wee english erse. Chelsea are a toap four team. And as we all know the toap four dinnae get beaten by the likes ay Burnley.
Tyler: They beat Man Utd.
Gray: Shut it, ye cont. Ah'm the voice ay fitba. Ye're just an erse and dinnae forget it.
Tyler: Sorry Andy. I think you should punish me.
Gray: What?! I'm no a fruit, ye ken?
Tyler: I could dress like a schoolgirl?
Gray: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Would ye wear a wig?
Tyler: Yep.
Gray: Aye...well...mebbe meet me at the usual place after The Final Word then.
Friday, 4 September 2009
Hello, I'm "Honest" Wayne, and I sell cars. Now I know what you're thinking, 'he's a scouser' but despite this I am honest really. I live in Manchester now so it's alright.
Aaaaah! What was that was it a bomb? Quick everyone on the floor! Sorry, sorry false alarm. God, I'm embarrassed now. I'm just a bit y'know nervous.
Anyway, you're probably here to buy one of my cars. Why don't you have a look around see if anything takes your fancy. I've got a 60 year old Fiat out there. Looks like an old banger but she's a beautiful ride.
Do you fancy a cup of tea? I'll pop the kettle on. Aaaaaaargh! I tripped over the table leg. You saw it didn't you? It's leg was jutting out and tripped me up. Yeah I know it's now four foot away Ii must've pushed it when I tripped.
Anyway, what are you looking for? Just a cheap run around? Well I've got just the thing. It's an M reg Nissan Micra. Yours for £8000 and I'll chuck in the spare wheel for free. Hey! Where are you going? Come back! I'm honest, me.
Aaaaargh! I've fallen over again. I swear it must have been an earthquake or something. Honest.
Aaaaah! What was that was it a bomb? Quick everyone on the floor! Sorry, sorry false alarm. God, I'm embarrassed now. I'm just a bit y'know nervous.
Anyway, you're probably here to buy one of my cars. Why don't you have a look around see if anything takes your fancy. I've got a 60 year old Fiat out there. Looks like an old banger but she's a beautiful ride.
Do you fancy a cup of tea? I'll pop the kettle on. Aaaaaaargh! I tripped over the table leg. You saw it didn't you? It's leg was jutting out and tripped me up. Yeah I know it's now four foot away Ii must've pushed it when I tripped.
Anyway, what are you looking for? Just a cheap run around? Well I've got just the thing. It's an M reg Nissan Micra. Yours for £8000 and I'll chuck in the spare wheel for free. Hey! Where are you going? Come back! I'm honest, me.
Aaaaargh! I've fallen over again. I swear it must have been an earthquake or something. Honest.
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
Usmanov and Kroenke: The Big Debate
Arsenal's two major shareholders are both creeping ever closer to the 30% of shares needed to take over the club. Here is a transcript from a soon to be broadcast television debate between the two trying to win over the Arsenal faithful.
Presenter: Hello and welcome to todays debate. It's so huge it could be described as a mass debate, ha ha.
Director: Cut! Get off. Get off the damn stage and out of my sight.
Someone call Des Lynam, he doesn't do much anymore he must be available.
[20 mins later]
Lynam: Hi, I'm Des Lynam. And welcome to today's debate. Without further ado let's introduce you to our two guest speakers Alisher Usmanov and Stan 'the man' Kroenke.
Usmanov: Hello.
Kroenke: G'day cobbers. [Ivan Gazidis walks on and whispers into Kroenke's ear] Er...right. Howdy y'all I'm from the U.S.A!
Lynam: Mr Usmanov a lot of peopel worry that you are in fact a Russian gangster, how do answer your critics.
Usmanov: Well I certainly don't put horses heads in their beds.
Lynam: Well that's good. And Stan, you're patently a lovely chap who would be brilliant for Arsenal. What are your favourite colours?
Kroenke: Red and white of course. Yeee-ha!
[crowd whoops]
Lynam: And Mr Usmanov you've called your company Red and White Holdings isn't that just maliciously stealing good ol' Stan's favourite colours?
Usmanov: What? He's clearly just trying to curry favour with the fans. It's shameless.
Lynam: But isn't it true that you eat babies?
Usmanov: It was one baby! Can't you people forgive and forget?
Lynam: And even worse, don't you consort with David Dein?
[crowd boos]
Usmanov: Well yes, but so did Mr Kro-
Lynam: Lets have a little less mudslinging, Mr Usmanov. This is a serious debate. Now isn't it true that you inject poison into people with umbrellas?
Usmanov: That's a half truth.
Lynam: And that's enough from you, you fat Russian mobster.
Stan, you fantastic man you, if you became the Arsenal owner what changes would you make?
Kroenke: I'd just listen to the fans. Plus I'd pump all my unlimited wealth into the club. We'd win everything ever I can 100% guarantee it.
Lynam: Well there you have it. Stan Kroenke, legend. Usmanov, evil. I think we can safely say Stan will be the next owner of -
[Jack Wilshere, Henri Lansbury and Fran Merida rush onto the stage]
Wilshere: Wait!
Lansbury: We've found out something shocking about Stan Kroenke
Merida: Jinkies!
Wilshere: He's not Stan Kroenke at all. Show them Henri.
[Lansbury grabs Kroenke's face and rips off his mask]
Lynam: Oh my God! It's David Dein!
Dein: And I would've got away with it too, if it wasn't for those pesky kids.Merida: Jinkies
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
A Rant and then a Little Ray of Hope...
Right, we lost. Not just that we were comprehensively beaten over two legs by a better team. So what now?
Firstly, I would like to point out that Ronaldo's performance last night, while undeniably good, was not something so extraordinary, so out of this world that no team could cope with it as the press seem to be making out. In fact to suggest so does Man Utd a huge disservice. They won because they played very well as a team. Ji-Sung Park, Fletcher, O'Shea all gave everything worked hard, knew their roles and supported their more illustrious team mates fantastically. The first goal was not made by Ronaldo it was made by the pass that released him, his cross was pretty much straight at Gibbs and on another night would have been cleared. His second goal was a great free kick but he is a taker of great free kicks rather than a great free kick taker. Once or twice a year he scores a screamer but the majority of his free kicks go straight down the keepers throat or miles over the bar as all his other efforts did last night. And the final goal was a wonderful break but given the situation of the game we had to leave our defence exposed and once again the goal was made by the ball to Rooney and then his perfect, and unselfish pass to Ronaldo.
This is not to take away from Ronaldo in any way he is clearly a great, great player. But last night showed that Man Utd are more than just one great player. They are a great team. And trust me I don't say that easily. Arsenal on the other hand were not a great team last night. We lacked creativity, more than any other Arsenal team since Wenger took over. Our problem used to be our profligacy now we don't even create the chances to miss.
So how do we bridge this gap? Well we already have to some extent. Andrey Arshavin is a creative player, a player that can change games, score goals and frighten defences. A bit like Ronaldo but without the sort of face you want to punch. With Arshavin in our side over the two legs it might have been slightly different. Maybe not enough to win the game but maybe enough to score in open play at least. We still need to add to our squad over the summer but we don't need wholesale changes.
I genuinely believe next year Arshavin, Nasri will give the support for Fabregas that we need. I think Song is developing into a top quality midfielder but we could do with some competition for the defensive midfielder spot which I don't think Diaby or Denilson will ever really provide. We need a better cover in central defence than Silvestre and we need a striker who will score goals week in week out. Hopefully a fully fit Eduardo will be able to do this.
The gulf between us and Man Utd is not as big as these games suggest. I'm sure we will be more consistent at the start of the season which will gives us the confidence to go on and do well next year, we aren't as naive as we were at the start of this year. Arshavin looks phenomenal and is experienced enough to know how to produce throughout the season and hopefully youngsters like Gibbs will come back stronger from this setback.
So we're out but I'm not down. I'd love us to have the success of Man Utd but if we don't it doesn't change a thing. Because Arsenal have always been, and will always be, by far the greatest team the world has ever seen.
In my eyes at least.
Firstly, I would like to point out that Ronaldo's performance last night, while undeniably good, was not something so extraordinary, so out of this world that no team could cope with it as the press seem to be making out. In fact to suggest so does Man Utd a huge disservice. They won because they played very well as a team. Ji-Sung Park, Fletcher, O'Shea all gave everything worked hard, knew their roles and supported their more illustrious team mates fantastically. The first goal was not made by Ronaldo it was made by the pass that released him, his cross was pretty much straight at Gibbs and on another night would have been cleared. His second goal was a great free kick but he is a taker of great free kicks rather than a great free kick taker. Once or twice a year he scores a screamer but the majority of his free kicks go straight down the keepers throat or miles over the bar as all his other efforts did last night. And the final goal was a wonderful break but given the situation of the game we had to leave our defence exposed and once again the goal was made by the ball to Rooney and then his perfect, and unselfish pass to Ronaldo.
This is not to take away from Ronaldo in any way he is clearly a great, great player. But last night showed that Man Utd are more than just one great player. They are a great team. And trust me I don't say that easily. Arsenal on the other hand were not a great team last night. We lacked creativity, more than any other Arsenal team since Wenger took over. Our problem used to be our profligacy now we don't even create the chances to miss.
So how do we bridge this gap? Well we already have to some extent. Andrey Arshavin is a creative player, a player that can change games, score goals and frighten defences. A bit like Ronaldo but without the sort of face you want to punch. With Arshavin in our side over the two legs it might have been slightly different. Maybe not enough to win the game but maybe enough to score in open play at least. We still need to add to our squad over the summer but we don't need wholesale changes.
I genuinely believe next year Arshavin, Nasri will give the support for Fabregas that we need. I think Song is developing into a top quality midfielder but we could do with some competition for the defensive midfielder spot which I don't think Diaby or Denilson will ever really provide. We need a better cover in central defence than Silvestre and we need a striker who will score goals week in week out. Hopefully a fully fit Eduardo will be able to do this.
The gulf between us and Man Utd is not as big as these games suggest. I'm sure we will be more consistent at the start of the season which will gives us the confidence to go on and do well next year, we aren't as naive as we were at the start of this year. Arshavin looks phenomenal and is experienced enough to know how to produce throughout the season and hopefully youngsters like Gibbs will come back stronger from this setback.
So we're out but I'm not down. I'd love us to have the success of Man Utd but if we don't it doesn't change a thing. Because Arsenal have always been, and will always be, by far the greatest team the world has ever seen.
In my eyes at least.
Thursday, 30 April 2009
If Reality's So Good Why Don't You Go Live There?
If we look at the reality of our situation we'd have to admit we have an uphill battle to go through to the final of the champions league but sod reality let's just drift off into a fantasy world instead.
It was a fantasy in '89 that we'd be able to go to Anfield on the last day of the season and put two past Liverpool. It was an even bigger fantasy in the 89th minute that we'd still be able to nick a last minute goal to win the league. But somehow the fantasy came true.
And no one gave us a prayer in '94 against Parma but somehow Smudger pulled off a phenomenal volley to put us in fantasy land once again.
Then of course there was the '97/'98 season. We were dead and buried in the league, there was absolutely no way we could overturn Man Utd's lead but we put on a fantastic unbeaten run and in the end won it comfortably. Surely that couldn't have happened in real life could it?
And going the entire season unbeaten? Ludicrous! Never gonna happen. Except it did.
And surely a makeshift defence with Flamini at left back and Senderos in the middle could never get to a Champions League final? That's just cloud cuckoo land surely?
So don't panic Arsenal fans, we may be down but we're not out. We don't do things the 'real' way, we do things in a fantastical way, in a dreamworld way, in a we're-the-battling-underdog-not-got-a-hope-in-hell-Rocky-Balboa way, we do things The Arsenal Way.
It was a fantasy in '89 that we'd be able to go to Anfield on the last day of the season and put two past Liverpool. It was an even bigger fantasy in the 89th minute that we'd still be able to nick a last minute goal to win the league. But somehow the fantasy came true.
And no one gave us a prayer in '94 against Parma but somehow Smudger pulled off a phenomenal volley to put us in fantasy land once again.
Then of course there was the '97/'98 season. We were dead and buried in the league, there was absolutely no way we could overturn Man Utd's lead but we put on a fantastic unbeaten run and in the end won it comfortably. Surely that couldn't have happened in real life could it?
And going the entire season unbeaten? Ludicrous! Never gonna happen. Except it did.
And surely a makeshift defence with Flamini at left back and Senderos in the middle could never get to a Champions League final? That's just cloud cuckoo land surely?
So don't panic Arsenal fans, we may be down but we're not out. We don't do things the 'real' way, we do things in a fantastical way, in a dreamworld way, in a we're-the-battling-underdog-not-got-a-hope-in-hell-Rocky-Balboa way, we do things The Arsenal Way.
Wednesday, 22 April 2009
What's that in Silvestre's pocket? Er...lint?
I'm not one to bash Arsenal players, I'll bash players from other teams, I'll bash other teams fans and occasionally I'll even bash the bishop, but in general Arsenal players are off limits until they've left the club and then they're fair game.
So here's hoping this is Silvestre's only season for us.
He isn't solely to blame for our defensive woes this season, Toure, Gallas, Clichy, Gibbs, Fabianski and Sagna have all made mistakes which have lead to goals but every time Silvestre plays he scares the hell out of me.
Was he always this bad? Did he just look good in a great Man Utd team? Or has he lost his pace, positional sense or ability to tackle in his old age? Did he ever have these attributes in the first place? God knows.
I actually supported his signing, figuring he wouldn't play much and would give us some much needed experience in the changing room, but since he's been called upon I wonder what experience he brings. Gibbs was clearly jittery last night and not once did I see Silvestre go over and have a word or calm him down or even, god forbid, lead by example.
So he's not helping the youngsters and he's not doing the business on the pitch and sadly at the moment he's the only option we've got. Bring back Senderos, all is forgiven.
Either that or tell Bould to bring his boots for the next game.
So here's hoping this is Silvestre's only season for us.
He isn't solely to blame for our defensive woes this season, Toure, Gallas, Clichy, Gibbs, Fabianski and Sagna have all made mistakes which have lead to goals but every time Silvestre plays he scares the hell out of me.
Was he always this bad? Did he just look good in a great Man Utd team? Or has he lost his pace, positional sense or ability to tackle in his old age? Did he ever have these attributes in the first place? God knows.
I actually supported his signing, figuring he wouldn't play much and would give us some much needed experience in the changing room, but since he's been called upon I wonder what experience he brings. Gibbs was clearly jittery last night and not once did I see Silvestre go over and have a word or calm him down or even, god forbid, lead by example.
So he's not helping the youngsters and he's not doing the business on the pitch and sadly at the moment he's the only option we've got. Bring back Senderos, all is forgiven.
Either that or tell Bould to bring his boots for the next game.
Monday, 20 April 2009
Sky Super Sunday
Richard Keys: Hello and welcome to another cracking Sunday of football. Our first game today is a top of the table clash between Liverpool and Manchester United. Cocking hell, it doesn't get much cocking better than that does it? With me today is of course the ubiquitous Jamie Redknapp and Dion Dublin.
Redknapp: Hello Richard.
Dublin: Top o' the morning to ye.
Keys: Er...Dion, are you doing an Irish accent?
Dublin: Oi am, Richard. Oi've decided moi accent should match moi surname.
Keys: Marvellous. Now today's fixture could go a long way to deciding the eventual winners of the league. Jamie, as an ex-Liverpool player can I assume you'll be cocking rooting for them?
Redknapp: You can Richard. Though of course I have a lot of respect for Man Utd even though I never played for them, my father hasn't managed them and I have no relatives on the playing staff. I mean that must be the sign of a good team if they don't meet any of my usual criteria and I still respect them.
Keys: Very cocking true, Jamie. And Dion, as an ex-Man Utd man do you have the same respect for Liverpool?
Dublin: No oi don't, Richard. I think the manager is a big bollocks, the players are all bollockses and the city of Liverpool is entoirely populated by bollockses.
Keys: There's a large Irish contingent in Liverpool though.
Dublin: Bollocks.
Keys: Marvellous. And now without further ado let's join our commentarty team of Martin Tyler and Andy Gray.
Tyler: Thank you Richard. And what a game we have in store for us today. The two teams at the top of the table, you must be almost overflowing with excitement Andy?
Gray: Aye ah fockin well am, Martin. This is going to be an absolute classic. Two toap four teams battling it oot for the title of supreme champions of everything ever. It's fockin amazing. I mean lets face maist of the shite we show I couldnae be ersed with. It's fockin rubbish ah'm telling ye. I'd rather have your sweaty bawbags in mah fockin mooth than watch most of the fockin shite we have to put up with. Seriously Martin I'd rather have a dick up mah fockin erse...Martin? Martin? Are ye ok?
Martin: I...er...I appear to have...er...come in my pants, Andy.
Redknapp: Hello Richard.
Dublin: Top o' the morning to ye.
Keys: Er...Dion, are you doing an Irish accent?
Dublin: Oi am, Richard. Oi've decided moi accent should match moi surname.
Keys: Marvellous. Now today's fixture could go a long way to deciding the eventual winners of the league. Jamie, as an ex-Liverpool player can I assume you'll be cocking rooting for them?
Redknapp: You can Richard. Though of course I have a lot of respect for Man Utd even though I never played for them, my father hasn't managed them and I have no relatives on the playing staff. I mean that must be the sign of a good team if they don't meet any of my usual criteria and I still respect them.
Keys: Very cocking true, Jamie. And Dion, as an ex-Man Utd man do you have the same respect for Liverpool?
Dublin: No oi don't, Richard. I think the manager is a big bollocks, the players are all bollockses and the city of Liverpool is entoirely populated by bollockses.
Keys: There's a large Irish contingent in Liverpool though.
Dublin: Bollocks.
Keys: Marvellous. And now without further ado let's join our commentarty team of Martin Tyler and Andy Gray.
Tyler: Thank you Richard. And what a game we have in store for us today. The two teams at the top of the table, you must be almost overflowing with excitement Andy?
Gray: Aye ah fockin well am, Martin. This is going to be an absolute classic. Two toap four teams battling it oot for the title of supreme champions of everything ever. It's fockin amazing. I mean lets face maist of the shite we show I couldnae be ersed with. It's fockin rubbish ah'm telling ye. I'd rather have your sweaty bawbags in mah fockin mooth than watch most of the fockin shite we have to put up with. Seriously Martin I'd rather have a dick up mah fockin erse...Martin? Martin? Are ye ok?
Martin: I...er...I appear to have...er...come in my pants, Andy.
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
King's Conundrum
To quit or not to quit, that is the question. Whether it is nobler for me to bow out of international football to prolong my Tottenham career or suffer the constant agony in my knee and give everything for club and country?
Of course I owe Tottenham everything, they brought me through their youth ranks and put me into the first team. I played my socks off. Well I say played my socks off, I had to yank them off, the elastic was too tight and was cutting of the circulation in my weak, weak legs.
Then they made me captain, despite only appearing once every blue moon. I say once every blue moon, but in truth I did miss a couple of blue moons due to being injured.
Of course not everyone at Spurs was supportive. Darren Anderton and I never got on. He felt I was a threat to his place on the physio table. He was very competitive, always claiming he could get injured easier than me. But I showed him. One day I fly landed upon my outstretched leg and pop! my knee was dislocated. In your face Darren.
But I also have to think of my country. I've never been a regular at international level and not just because I'm always injured. I'm also just not good enough. There has always been at least two better defenders than me. But I'm sure my retirement would be a great loss to the England team nonetheless. They need someone to make Owen Hargreaves look like he's regularly fit. Who will fill that role now? Well I suppose they could try and see if Tomas Rosicky has any English relatives.
So what to do? If I retire I may be able to play four, maybe five, games a season for Spurs but if I keep my international dreams alive I may one day almost nearly be in contention for a starting place in the England team at a major tournament right up until about two days before it starts when bang! there goes my knee again.
It is quite the conundrum.
Of course I owe Tottenham everything, they brought me through their youth ranks and put me into the first team. I played my socks off. Well I say played my socks off, I had to yank them off, the elastic was too tight and was cutting of the circulation in my weak, weak legs.
Then they made me captain, despite only appearing once every blue moon. I say once every blue moon, but in truth I did miss a couple of blue moons due to being injured.
Of course not everyone at Spurs was supportive. Darren Anderton and I never got on. He felt I was a threat to his place on the physio table. He was very competitive, always claiming he could get injured easier than me. But I showed him. One day I fly landed upon my outstretched leg and pop! my knee was dislocated. In your face Darren.
But I also have to think of my country. I've never been a regular at international level and not just because I'm always injured. I'm also just not good enough. There has always been at least two better defenders than me. But I'm sure my retirement would be a great loss to the England team nonetheless. They need someone to make Owen Hargreaves look like he's regularly fit. Who will fill that role now? Well I suppose they could try and see if Tomas Rosicky has any English relatives.
So what to do? If I retire I may be able to play four, maybe five, games a season for Spurs but if I keep my international dreams alive I may one day almost nearly be in contention for a starting place in the England team at a major tournament right up until about two days before it starts when bang! there goes my knee again.
It is quite the conundrum.
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Arsenal. We're all about the spitting.
"For their club captain Cesc Fabregas to spit at my assistant at the end of the game shows you what this club is all about."
The above is a quote from Phil 'the stain in my pants is a nice shade of' Brown. Regardless of whether the incident happened or not what the bleedin' flip is Phil 'brother of Charlie' Brown talking about? Why would one player, Captain or not, spitting at someone reflect the club as a whole? Last season was our club all about sitting on the half way line crying? When Henry was captain was our club all about looking vaguely pissed off every time we scored? Or when Tony Adams was captain was our team all about getting drunk out of their minds at every available opportunity? Well actually the answer to the last one is yes. But the points still valid. One man's actions do not tell you what a club is all about.
And if they did surely Wenger's actions would supercede the captain's? In which case Arsenal would presumably be about myopia. So is Phil 'I wish Whitney had married me instead of Bobby' Brown not the main focal point of his team? Do his actions not represent how he wants people to perceive his team? Is he in fact leaving the burden of that particular responsibility entirely on his club captians shoulders? And if so what kind of manager is he? A shit one, clearly.
The above is a quote from Phil 'the stain in my pants is a nice shade of' Brown. Regardless of whether the incident happened or not what the bleedin' flip is Phil 'brother of Charlie' Brown talking about? Why would one player, Captain or not, spitting at someone reflect the club as a whole? Last season was our club all about sitting on the half way line crying? When Henry was captain was our club all about looking vaguely pissed off every time we scored? Or when Tony Adams was captain was our team all about getting drunk out of their minds at every available opportunity? Well actually the answer to the last one is yes. But the points still valid. One man's actions do not tell you what a club is all about.
And if they did surely Wenger's actions would supercede the captain's? In which case Arsenal would presumably be about myopia. So is Phil 'I wish Whitney had married me instead of Bobby' Brown not the main focal point of his team? Do his actions not represent how he wants people to perceive his team? Is he in fact leaving the burden of that particular responsibility entirely on his club captians shoulders? And if so what kind of manager is he? A shit one, clearly.
Thursday, 12 March 2009
Arshavin Talks To Garth Crooks
(For those who missed my brief appearance as Parlour's Annual Hat-trick on 606)
The following is an interview given by Andrey Arshavin to everyone's favourite pundit, Garth Crooks, discussing his recent move to Arsenal.
Garth: Hello Andrey, your name is the equivalent of the British name Andrew.
Arshavin: Erm...ok.
Garth: Having recently moved from Zenit St Petersburg which is a Russian team to Arsenal in England there will have been many cultural differences you've had to face. The language barrier, the food, the people you meet all of these are very different to your native country.
Arshavin: Erm...also in my country our interviewers ask questions rather than make statements.
Garth: As a player I found that foreigners often struggled to adapt to the pace of English football. You have also said this has been the biggest challenge for you. Which shows that we as footballers are on the same wavelength, because I believe deep down all footballers are the same.
Arshavin: Erm...I'm sorry are you interviewing me our just stating your views on football?
Garth: Interviewing obviously. My style is somewhat different to your average pundit. I'm more erudite, more verbose, better educated, I am in short an football intellectual.
Arshavin: Did you play football?
Garth: Yes. For Tottenham.
Arshavin: Ah I see.
Garth: So cultural differences in football...
Arshavin: I have noticed in England that all the players wear boxer shorts, in Russia we never do this.
Garth: Why not?
Arshavin: Chernobyl fallout.
The following is an interview given by Andrey Arshavin to everyone's favourite pundit, Garth Crooks, discussing his recent move to Arsenal.
Garth: Hello Andrey, your name is the equivalent of the British name Andrew.
Arshavin: Erm...ok.
Garth: Having recently moved from Zenit St Petersburg which is a Russian team to Arsenal in England there will have been many cultural differences you've had to face. The language barrier, the food, the people you meet all of these are very different to your native country.
Arshavin: Erm...also in my country our interviewers ask questions rather than make statements.
Garth: As a player I found that foreigners often struggled to adapt to the pace of English football. You have also said this has been the biggest challenge for you. Which shows that we as footballers are on the same wavelength, because I believe deep down all footballers are the same.
Arshavin: Erm...I'm sorry are you interviewing me our just stating your views on football?
Garth: Interviewing obviously. My style is somewhat different to your average pundit. I'm more erudite, more verbose, better educated, I am in short an football intellectual.
Arshavin: Did you play football?
Garth: Yes. For Tottenham.
Arshavin: Ah I see.
Garth: So cultural differences in football...
Arshavin: I have noticed in England that all the players wear boxer shorts, in Russia we never do this.
Garth: Why not?
Arshavin: Chernobyl fallout.
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
Sod 'em then
Once again I have been banned from 606. My favourite part is that they give no explanation for it but they have sent an email saying my profile, only recently approved by the mods, was 'off-topic' this is a profile in which I stated I was Arsenal born and bred. This has led me to believe the BBC 606 boards are not a sports forum at all but instead are in fact a forum for the brainwashing of young minds.
I think the BBC believe if they can attract enough 16 year olds they will be able to mould them into non-offensive, humourless adults by the twin threats of pre-moderation and banning. In this way they can create the next generation of bland, safe broadcasters and the BBC will never have to go through the Brand/Ross debacle ever again.
The future is dull the future is beige.
Thanks for all the support but I'm afraid I can no longer be arsed with trying to get back on 606. I will probably keep scanning the boards (it beats doing real work) but I shall no longer be infesting the boards with my evil, subversive filth.
I will keep posting it here and on Dave's blog though. Incidentally did anyone notice that they said that both JJG and DP's comments were unacceptable? What did Dave ever do? Well apart from all the xenophobia, ignorance and condoning of violence masquerading as British grit? I always thought that was the BBC's core values.
And just to finish off this ill-focused rant: who exactly does necrophilia offend anyway? The dead? Well fuck them.
I think the BBC believe if they can attract enough 16 year olds they will be able to mould them into non-offensive, humourless adults by the twin threats of pre-moderation and banning. In this way they can create the next generation of bland, safe broadcasters and the BBC will never have to go through the Brand/Ross debacle ever again.
The future is dull the future is beige.
Thanks for all the support but I'm afraid I can no longer be arsed with trying to get back on 606. I will probably keep scanning the boards (it beats doing real work) but I shall no longer be infesting the boards with my evil, subversive filth.
I will keep posting it here and on Dave's blog though. Incidentally did anyone notice that they said that both JJG and DP's comments were unacceptable? What did Dave ever do? Well apart from all the xenophobia, ignorance and condoning of violence masquerading as British grit? I always thought that was the BBC's core values.
And just to finish off this ill-focused rant: who exactly does necrophilia offend anyway? The dead? Well fuck them.
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