Arsenal's two major shareholders are both creeping ever closer to the 30% of shares needed to take over the club. Here is a transcript from a soon to be broadcast television debate between the two trying to win over the Arsenal faithful.
Presenter: Hello and welcome to todays debate. It's so huge it could be described as a mass debate, ha ha.
Director: Cut! Get off. Get off the damn stage and out of my sight.
Someone call Des Lynam, he doesn't do much anymore he must be available.
[20 mins later]
Lynam: Hi, I'm Des Lynam. And welcome to today's debate. Without further ado let's introduce you to our two guest speakers Alisher Usmanov and Stan 'the man' Kroenke.
Usmanov: Hello.
Kroenke: G'day cobbers. [Ivan Gazidis walks on and whispers into Kroenke's ear] Er...right. Howdy y'all I'm from the U.S.A!
Lynam: Mr Usmanov a lot of peopel worry that you are in fact a Russian gangster, how do answer your critics.
Usmanov: Well I certainly don't put horses heads in their beds.
Lynam: Well that's good. And Stan, you're patently a lovely chap who would be brilliant for Arsenal. What are your favourite colours?
Kroenke: Red and white of course. Yeee-ha!
[crowd whoops]
Lynam: And Mr Usmanov you've called your company Red and White Holdings isn't that just maliciously stealing good ol' Stan's favourite colours?
Usmanov: What? He's clearly just trying to curry favour with the fans. It's shameless.
Lynam: But isn't it true that you eat babies?
Usmanov: It was one baby! Can't you people forgive and forget?
Lynam: And even worse, don't you consort with David Dein?
[crowd boos]
Usmanov: Well yes, but so did Mr Kro-
Lynam: Lets have a little less mudslinging, Mr Usmanov. This is a serious debate. Now isn't it true that you inject poison into people with umbrellas?
Usmanov: That's a half truth.
Lynam: And that's enough from you, you fat Russian mobster.
Stan, you fantastic man you, if you became the Arsenal owner what changes would you make?
Kroenke: I'd just listen to the fans. Plus I'd pump all my unlimited wealth into the club. We'd win everything ever I can 100% guarantee it.
Lynam: Well there you have it. Stan Kroenke, legend. Usmanov, evil. I think we can safely say Stan will be the next owner of -
[Jack Wilshere, Henri Lansbury and Fran Merida rush onto the stage]
Wilshere: Wait!
Lansbury: We've found out something shocking about Stan Kroenke
Merida: Jinkies!
Wilshere: He's not Stan Kroenke at all. Show them Henri.
[Lansbury grabs Kroenke's face and rips off his mask]
Lynam: Oh my God! It's David Dein!
Dein: And I would've got away with it too, if it wasn't for those pesky kids.Merida: Jinkies
17 comments:
Hey, less of the old.
Great Stuff don't get caught this time on...
Sweet gags or as I like to say. Swags
gross_is_god, I know you think that I'd be upset by your comments but nothing pleases me more than the fact you dislike my posts. It's a sure sign of quality.
However the fact that you have decided to stalk me and comment on my blog suggests that you have an unhealthy obsession with me. I feel I should try to stop this at the earliest possible stage.
I'm afraid I will never be able to love you the way you love me. It's not you, it's me, I'm just not a raging homosexual so it will never work between us. May I suggest finding an all-male dating site which will be able to accomodate your needs.
Gross is God
We miss you. Come back to the fold. Getting back on 606 needn't be hard. All you need do is use a different name and email address. How you managed to get up to 23 or whatever it was is amazing......
Come back to 606, we all know your a secret Gooner, so do it you sad cunt.
I will never use a different name, I am gross_is_god and that will never change. I know you need a new email address what do you think I have been doing all that time, but they see me and im banned before my articles can even go through the moderation team.
It was up to 50 last time I tried.
Secerate gooner? Not a chance, I support the only team in London who knows how to win anything and always will.
Chelsea?
lol you try and be clever like that and it just puts your own team down. Well done retard.
I'm a Sunderland fan as it happens.
And yes, there's really no need for you to make any jokes about that. It wouldn't even be a challenge right now. We come pre-mocked.
Homophobic? Surely I'd have to imply that being gay was a bad thing? I just said that I'm not that way inclined.
But in that this is my blog page I'm going to carry on attempting to be funny and if you don't like it well that just makes it all the better.
Well how the hell am I supposed to know your a Sunderland fan? What is a Sunderland fan doing on an un funny Gooners blog?
JJG we all know what you meant and that means you hate gays you homophobe. The only people who deserve to be hated in this world are Gooners.
So basicly your saying you have nothing better to do than write un funny blogs and you will keep on trying to one day be funny but will always fail just like your rubbish excuse for a team. 5 eyars now baby.
Tottenham trophies - 1
Arsenal trophies - 0
You're right I have nothing better to do, but considering you keep coming back here what does that say about you?
And by the way some of my favourite ex-girlfriends are now gay.
You are such a tard. I bet you struggle to count the trophies at the immagrants stadium. Here let me give you a helping hand it's zero.
I want to Bum Gross.
Shut up
Spread the word Proud......
I have been taken my the 606 mods. I think it was the song about Tara and Jex that swung it.
Im working on an escape plan now and hope to back in the fold within the week.
Over and Out
Afternoon Son.....
Well well well, I've been captured again. Its not nice here proud, I'm being kept in a shed with no windows, it stinks of *urine* and im surrounded 24 hours a day by a chimp with an AK-47 and 600ft of chicken wire.......the chicken wire is seperate from the chimp, I mean a chimp with a shooter wrapped in chicken wire would just be stupid.......who's he supposed to shoot?
Anyway, they're keeping me busy, this morning I was cotton picking, this afternoon I was making porridge for the El Presidente and this evening I shall mostly be making boats from the matchsticks I have hidden in a hole in the wall I made by digging out the motar with my thimb nail.
They say I should be released within a few years. I fear for my moustache as without the necessary wax I need to keep it turned up at the edges, I could end up walking out like a anorexic Hulk Hogan.
I miss you guys, but do not fear for me. This is like Butlins to me. I do not want anyone to launch a resuce mission, its really not worth the heart ache, Ive seen men, strong men broken behind these walls.
Promise me one thing though Proud.......
*Leans forward from his bed, grabs proud by the back of the neck in a scene reminescent to that of Rocky II when Adrian has just given birth*.........."WIN...........Find that Liver Delivers and bring him down........Knock him till tomorrow Rock........."
Now go........go.
Over and Out
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