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Adebayor or Hitler: Who is Wurst?

Originally posted on 606, re-posted here due to it's rather offensive content about chilis I presume)

Emmanual Adebayor and Adolf Hitler are very different people. One is the most evil man ever to walk the face of the planet, whose very existence has caused pain to millions of families across the world and is only counterbalanced by the ultimate force of good; Al from Die Hard whereas the other one is Hitler.

I'm joking of course. However if you had to say who you hated more right now who would it be?
Now let's look at the pros and the cons for them both:

Hitler - Pros
Vegetarian (which is a pro because it enables him to determine the strength of chilis just by the colour and size - very handy)
Banned Fox Hunting
Looks like Charlie Chaplin

Cons
Invaded Poland bringing about the most violent and destructive war of all time.

Adebayor - Pros
He's got a nice smile.
Scores goals.

Cons
Kicks people in the face.
Causes anger amongst opposition fans.
Greedy.
May or may not know his chillis.

So there you have it Hitler has less cons and more pros. This is as close as conclusive proof as your average 606er can cope with, without having some kind of embolism.

But the real choice is yours.

Who is worse or indeed wurst (which is German for worse, or possibly sausage, I'm not sure.)

Adebayor - Vote 5*
Hitler - Vote 1*

I would have to say the only way I could forgive Ade is if he came out the press and said "There's not a day goes by I don't feel regret. Not because I'm in here, or because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can't. That kid's long gone and this old man is all that's left. I got to live with that."

But then Adebayor is no Morgan Freeman is he? He's barely even Denzil Washington.

Sky Super Sunday - The Return

Richard Keys: Hello and welcome to another Sky Super Sunday. So super that it would even make Superman spaff in his pants. Now that's pretty cocking super, I'm sure you'll agree. With me today is football's favourite scion, Jamie Redknapp and Dutch legend, Ruud Gullit.

Redknapp: Literally hello.

Gullit: Awright me old mucker?

Keys: Marvellous. Today's game sees recently promoted Burnley palying the cocking awesome might of Chelsea. Can Burnley cause an upset Ruud?

Gullit: Nah bruv. Burnley have only got two 'opes. Bob and no. Hahaha. Bob 'Ope. D'ya get it?

Keys: Er yes Ruud. Marvellous. Erm...why are you talking like that, aren't you Dutch?

Gullit: Well bruv. I 'eard McClaren doing on all that 'yesh ishn't football schpectacular' nonsense and I realised that Dutch people saand stupid. So I got meself a voice coach and now I speak like a proper geezer, innit.

Redknapp: I agree with everything Ruud said.

Keys: So you don't think Burnley have a cocking hope in hell then, Jamie?

Redknapp: Well I wouldn't say that. I mean Burnley are a good team...

Gullit: No they aint.

Redknapp: That's true.

Gullit: You really are spineless intchya?

Redknapp: Yep.

Gullit: I serviced your wife last night. She loved it.

Redknapp: Well as long as she's happy.

Keys: Splendid. And now without further ado lets go to our match commentators, Martin Tyler
and Andy Gray.

Tyler: Thank you Richard. Well Andy it's a tough ask for Burnley. How do you see this match panning out?

Gray: Aye well it's pretty much pointless Burnley turning up if ye ask me Martin, which ye probably did, I cannae remember, nor do I care, ye wee english erse. Chelsea are a toap four team. And as we all know the toap four dinnae get beaten by the likes ay Burnley.

Tyler: They beat Man Utd.

Gray: Shut it, ye cont. Ah'm the voice ay fitba. Ye're just an erse and dinnae forget it.

Tyler: Sorry Andy. I think you should punish me.

Gray: What?! I'm no a fruit, ye ken?

Tyler: I could dress like a schoolgirl?

Gray: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Would ye wear a wig?

Tyler: Yep.

Gray: Aye...well...mebbe meet me at the usual place after The Final Word then.

Hello, I'm "Honest" Wayne, and I sell cars. Now I know what you're thinking, 'he's a scouser' but despite this I am honest really. I live in Manchester now so it's alright.

Aaaaah! What was that was it a bomb? Quick everyone on the floor! Sorry, sorry false alarm. God, I'm embarrassed now. I'm just a bit y'know nervous.

Anyway, you're probably here to buy one of my cars. Why don't you have a look around see if anything takes your fancy. I've got a 60 year old Fiat out there. Looks like an old banger but she's a beautiful ride.

Do you fancy a cup of tea? I'll pop the kettle on. Aaaaaaargh! I tripped over the table leg. You saw it didn't you? It's leg was jutting out and tripped me up. Yeah I know it's now four foot away Ii must've pushed it when I tripped.

Anyway, what are you looking for? Just a cheap run around? Well I've got just the thing. It's an M reg Nissan Micra. Yours for £8000 and I'll chuck in the spare wheel for free. Hey! Where are you going? Come back! I'm honest, me.

Aaaaargh! I've fallen over again. I swear it must have been an earthquake or something. Honest.

Usmanov and Kroenke: The Big Debate

Arsenal's two major shareholders are both creeping ever closer to the 30% of shares needed to take over the club. Here is a transcript from a soon to be broadcast television debate between the two trying to win over the Arsenal faithful.

Presenter: Hello and welcome to todays debate. It's so huge it could be described as a mass debate, ha ha.

Director: Cut! Get off. Get off the damn stage and out of my sight.

Someone call Des Lynam, he doesn't do much anymore he must be available.

[20 mins later]

Lynam: Hi, I'm Des Lynam. And welcome to today's debate. Without further ado let's introduce you to our two guest speakers Alisher Usmanov and Stan 'the man' Kroenke.

Usmanov: Hello.

Kroenke: G'day cobbers. [Ivan Gazidis walks on and whispers into Kroenke's ear] Er...right. Howdy y'all I'm from the U.S.A!

Lynam: Mr Usmanov a lot of peopel worry that you are in fact a Russian gangster, how do answer your critics.

Usmanov: Well I certainly don't put horses heads in their beds.

Lynam: Well that's good. And Stan, you're patently a lovely chap who would be brilliant for Arsenal. What are your favourite colours?

Kroenke: Red and white of course. Yeee-ha!

[crowd whoops]

Lynam: And Mr Usmanov you've called your company Red and White Holdings isn't that just maliciously stealing good ol' Stan's favourite colours?

Usmanov: What? He's clearly just trying to curry favour with the fans. It's shameless.

Lynam: But isn't it true that you eat babies?

Usmanov: It was one baby! Can't you people forgive and forget?

Lynam: And even worse, don't you consort with David Dein?

[crowd boos]

Usmanov: Well yes, but so did Mr Kro-

Lynam: Lets have a little less mudslinging, Mr Usmanov. This is a serious debate. Now isn't it true that you inject poison into people with umbrellas?

Usmanov: That's a half truth.

Lynam: And that's enough from you, you fat Russian mobster.

Stan, you fantastic man you, if you became the Arsenal owner what changes would you make?

Kroenke: I'd just listen to the fans. Plus I'd pump all my unlimited wealth into the club. We'd win everything ever I can 100% guarantee it.

Lynam: Well there you have it. Stan Kroenke, legend. Usmanov, evil. I think we can safely say Stan will be the next owner of -

[Jack Wilshere, Henri Lansbury and Fran Merida rush onto the stage]

Wilshere: Wait!

Lansbury: We've found out something shocking about Stan Kroenke

Merida: Jinkies!

Wilshere: He's not Stan Kroenke at all. Show them Henri.

[Lansbury grabs Kroenke's face and rips off his mask]

Lynam: Oh my God! It's David Dein!

Dein: And I would've got away with it too, if it wasn't for those pesky kids.Merida: Jinkies

A Rant and then a Little Ray of Hope...

Right, we lost. Not just that we were comprehensively beaten over two legs by a better team. So what now?

Firstly, I would like to point out that Ronaldo's performance last night, while undeniably good, was not something so extraordinary, so out of this world that no team could cope with it as the press seem to be making out. In fact to suggest so does Man Utd a huge disservice. They won because they played very well as a team. Ji-Sung Park, Fletcher, O'Shea all gave everything worked hard, knew their roles and supported their more illustrious team mates fantastically. The first goal was not made by Ronaldo it was made by the pass that released him, his cross was pretty much straight at Gibbs and on another night would have been cleared. His second goal was a great free kick but he is a taker of great free kicks rather than a great free kick taker. Once or twice a year he scores a screamer but the majority of his free kicks go straight down the keepers throat or miles over the bar as all his other efforts did last night. And the final goal was a wonderful break but given the situation of the game we had to leave our defence exposed and once again the goal was made by the ball to Rooney and then his perfect, and unselfish pass to Ronaldo.

This is not to take away from Ronaldo in any way he is clearly a great, great player. But last night showed that Man Utd are more than just one great player. They are a great team. And trust me I don't say that easily. Arsenal on the other hand were not a great team last night. We lacked creativity, more than any other Arsenal team since Wenger took over. Our problem used to be our profligacy now we don't even create the chances to miss.

So how do we bridge this gap? Well we already have to some extent. Andrey Arshavin is a creative player, a player that can change games, score goals and frighten defences. A bit like Ronaldo but without the sort of face you want to punch. With Arshavin in our side over the two legs it might have been slightly different. Maybe not enough to win the game but maybe enough to score in open play at least. We still need to add to our squad over the summer but we don't need wholesale changes.

I genuinely believe next year Arshavin, Nasri will give the support for Fabregas that we need. I think Song is developing into a top quality midfielder but we could do with some competition for the defensive midfielder spot which I don't think Diaby or Denilson will ever really provide. We need a better cover in central defence than Silvestre and we need a striker who will score goals week in week out. Hopefully a fully fit Eduardo will be able to do this.

The gulf between us and Man Utd is not as big as these games suggest. I'm sure we will be more consistent at the start of the season which will gives us the confidence to go on and do well next year, we aren't as naive as we were at the start of this year. Arshavin looks phenomenal and is experienced enough to know how to produce throughout the season and hopefully youngsters like Gibbs will come back stronger from this setback.

So we're out but I'm not down. I'd love us to have the success of Man Utd but if we don't it doesn't change a thing. Because Arsenal have always been, and will always be, by far the greatest team the world has ever seen.

In my eyes at least.

If Reality's So Good Why Don't You Go Live There?

If we look at the reality of our situation we'd have to admit we have an uphill battle to go through to the final of the champions league but sod reality let's just drift off into a fantasy world instead.

It was a fantasy in '89 that we'd be able to go to Anfield on the last day of the season and put two past Liverpool. It was an even bigger fantasy in the 89th minute that we'd still be able to nick a last minute goal to win the league. But somehow the fantasy came true.

And no one gave us a prayer in '94 against Parma but somehow Smudger pulled off a phenomenal volley to put us in fantasy land once again.

Then of course there was the '97/'98 season. We were dead and buried in the league, there was absolutely no way we could overturn Man Utd's lead but we put on a fantastic unbeaten run and in the end won it comfortably. Surely that couldn't have happened in real life could it?

And going the entire season unbeaten? Ludicrous! Never gonna happen. Except it did.

And surely a makeshift defence with Flamini at left back and Senderos in the middle could never get to a Champions League final? That's just cloud cuckoo land surely?

So don't panic Arsenal fans, we may be down but we're not out. We don't do things the 'real' way, we do things in a fantastical way, in a dreamworld way, in a we're-the-battling-underdog-not-got-a-hope-in-hell-Rocky-Balboa way, we do things The Arsenal Way.