Usmanov and Kroenke: The Big Debate

Arsenal's two major shareholders are both creeping ever closer to the 30% of shares needed to take over the club. Here is a transcript from a soon to be broadcast television debate between the two trying to win over the Arsenal faithful.

Presenter: Hello and welcome to todays debate. It's so huge it could be described as a mass debate, ha ha.

Director: Cut! Get off. Get off the damn stage and out of my sight.

Someone call Des Lynam, he doesn't do much anymore he must be available.

[20 mins later]

Lynam: Hi, I'm Des Lynam. And welcome to today's debate. Without further ado let's introduce you to our two guest speakers Alisher Usmanov and Stan 'the man' Kroenke.

Usmanov: Hello.

Kroenke: G'day cobbers. [Ivan Gazidis walks on and whispers into Kroenke's ear] Er...right. Howdy y'all I'm from the U.S.A!

Lynam: Mr Usmanov a lot of peopel worry that you are in fact a Russian gangster, how do answer your critics.

Usmanov: Well I certainly don't put horses heads in their beds.

Lynam: Well that's good. And Stan, you're patently a lovely chap who would be brilliant for Arsenal. What are your favourite colours?

Kroenke: Red and white of course. Yeee-ha!

[crowd whoops]

Lynam: And Mr Usmanov you've called your company Red and White Holdings isn't that just maliciously stealing good ol' Stan's favourite colours?

Usmanov: What? He's clearly just trying to curry favour with the fans. It's shameless.

Lynam: But isn't it true that you eat babies?

Usmanov: It was one baby! Can't you people forgive and forget?

Lynam: And even worse, don't you consort with David Dein?

[crowd boos]

Usmanov: Well yes, but so did Mr Kro-

Lynam: Lets have a little less mudslinging, Mr Usmanov. This is a serious debate. Now isn't it true that you inject poison into people with umbrellas?

Usmanov: That's a half truth.

Lynam: And that's enough from you, you fat Russian mobster.

Stan, you fantastic man you, if you became the Arsenal owner what changes would you make?

Kroenke: I'd just listen to the fans. Plus I'd pump all my unlimited wealth into the club. We'd win everything ever I can 100% guarantee it.

Lynam: Well there you have it. Stan Kroenke, legend. Usmanov, evil. I think we can safely say Stan will be the next owner of -

[Jack Wilshere, Henri Lansbury and Fran Merida rush onto the stage]

Wilshere: Wait!

Lansbury: We've found out something shocking about Stan Kroenke

Merida: Jinkies!

Wilshere: He's not Stan Kroenke at all. Show them Henri.

[Lansbury grabs Kroenke's face and rips off his mask]

Lynam: Oh my God! It's David Dein!

Dein: And I would've got away with it too, if it wasn't for those pesky kids.Merida: Jinkies

A Rant and then a Little Ray of Hope...

Right, we lost. Not just that we were comprehensively beaten over two legs by a better team. So what now?

Firstly, I would like to point out that Ronaldo's performance last night, while undeniably good, was not something so extraordinary, so out of this world that no team could cope with it as the press seem to be making out. In fact to suggest so does Man Utd a huge disservice. They won because they played very well as a team. Ji-Sung Park, Fletcher, O'Shea all gave everything worked hard, knew their roles and supported their more illustrious team mates fantastically. The first goal was not made by Ronaldo it was made by the pass that released him, his cross was pretty much straight at Gibbs and on another night would have been cleared. His second goal was a great free kick but he is a taker of great free kicks rather than a great free kick taker. Once or twice a year he scores a screamer but the majority of his free kicks go straight down the keepers throat or miles over the bar as all his other efforts did last night. And the final goal was a wonderful break but given the situation of the game we had to leave our defence exposed and once again the goal was made by the ball to Rooney and then his perfect, and unselfish pass to Ronaldo.

This is not to take away from Ronaldo in any way he is clearly a great, great player. But last night showed that Man Utd are more than just one great player. They are a great team. And trust me I don't say that easily. Arsenal on the other hand were not a great team last night. We lacked creativity, more than any other Arsenal team since Wenger took over. Our problem used to be our profligacy now we don't even create the chances to miss.

So how do we bridge this gap? Well we already have to some extent. Andrey Arshavin is a creative player, a player that can change games, score goals and frighten defences. A bit like Ronaldo but without the sort of face you want to punch. With Arshavin in our side over the two legs it might have been slightly different. Maybe not enough to win the game but maybe enough to score in open play at least. We still need to add to our squad over the summer but we don't need wholesale changes.

I genuinely believe next year Arshavin, Nasri will give the support for Fabregas that we need. I think Song is developing into a top quality midfielder but we could do with some competition for the defensive midfielder spot which I don't think Diaby or Denilson will ever really provide. We need a better cover in central defence than Silvestre and we need a striker who will score goals week in week out. Hopefully a fully fit Eduardo will be able to do this.

The gulf between us and Man Utd is not as big as these games suggest. I'm sure we will be more consistent at the start of the season which will gives us the confidence to go on and do well next year, we aren't as naive as we were at the start of this year. Arshavin looks phenomenal and is experienced enough to know how to produce throughout the season and hopefully youngsters like Gibbs will come back stronger from this setback.

So we're out but I'm not down. I'd love us to have the success of Man Utd but if we don't it doesn't change a thing. Because Arsenal have always been, and will always be, by far the greatest team the world has ever seen.

In my eyes at least.

If Reality's So Good Why Don't You Go Live There?

If we look at the reality of our situation we'd have to admit we have an uphill battle to go through to the final of the champions league but sod reality let's just drift off into a fantasy world instead.

It was a fantasy in '89 that we'd be able to go to Anfield on the last day of the season and put two past Liverpool. It was an even bigger fantasy in the 89th minute that we'd still be able to nick a last minute goal to win the league. But somehow the fantasy came true.

And no one gave us a prayer in '94 against Parma but somehow Smudger pulled off a phenomenal volley to put us in fantasy land once again.

Then of course there was the '97/'98 season. We were dead and buried in the league, there was absolutely no way we could overturn Man Utd's lead but we put on a fantastic unbeaten run and in the end won it comfortably. Surely that couldn't have happened in real life could it?

And going the entire season unbeaten? Ludicrous! Never gonna happen. Except it did.

And surely a makeshift defence with Flamini at left back and Senderos in the middle could never get to a Champions League final? That's just cloud cuckoo land surely?

So don't panic Arsenal fans, we may be down but we're not out. We don't do things the 'real' way, we do things in a fantastical way, in a dreamworld way, in a we're-the-battling-underdog-not-got-a-hope-in-hell-Rocky-Balboa way, we do things The Arsenal Way.

What's that in Silvestre's pocket? Er...lint?

I'm not one to bash Arsenal players, I'll bash players from other teams, I'll bash other teams fans and occasionally I'll even bash the bishop, but in general Arsenal players are off limits until they've left the club and then they're fair game.

So here's hoping this is Silvestre's only season for us.

He isn't solely to blame for our defensive woes this season, Toure, Gallas, Clichy, Gibbs, Fabianski and Sagna have all made mistakes which have lead to goals but every time Silvestre plays he scares the hell out of me.

Was he always this bad? Did he just look good in a great Man Utd team? Or has he lost his pace, positional sense or ability to tackle in his old age? Did he ever have these attributes in the first place? God knows.

I actually supported his signing, figuring he wouldn't play much and would give us some much needed experience in the changing room, but since he's been called upon I wonder what experience he brings. Gibbs was clearly jittery last night and not once did I see Silvestre go over and have a word or calm him down or even, god forbid, lead by example.

So he's not helping the youngsters and he's not doing the business on the pitch and sadly at the moment he's the only option we've got. Bring back Senderos, all is forgiven.

Either that or tell Bould to bring his boots for the next game.

Sky Super Sunday

Richard Keys: Hello and welcome to another cracking Sunday of football. Our first game today is a top of the table clash between Liverpool and Manchester United. Cocking hell, it doesn't get much cocking better than that does it? With me today is of course the ubiquitous Jamie Redknapp and Dion Dublin.

Redknapp: Hello Richard.

Dublin: Top o' the morning to ye.

Keys: Er...Dion, are you doing an Irish accent?

Dublin: Oi am, Richard. Oi've decided moi accent should match moi surname.

Keys: Marvellous. Now today's fixture could go a long way to deciding the eventual winners of the league. Jamie, as an ex-Liverpool player can I assume you'll be cocking rooting for them?

Redknapp: You can Richard. Though of course I have a lot of respect for Man Utd even though I never played for them, my father hasn't managed them and I have no relatives on the playing staff. I mean that must be the sign of a good team if they don't meet any of my usual criteria and I still respect them.

Keys: Very cocking true, Jamie. And Dion, as an ex-Man Utd man do you have the same respect for Liverpool?

Dublin: No oi don't, Richard. I think the manager is a big bollocks, the players are all bollockses and the city of Liverpool is entoirely populated by bollockses.

Keys: There's a large Irish contingent in Liverpool though.

Dublin: Bollocks.

Keys: Marvellous. And now without further ado let's join our commentarty team of Martin Tyler and Andy Gray.

Tyler: Thank you Richard. And what a game we have in store for us today. The two teams at the top of the table, you must be almost overflowing with excitement Andy?

Gray: Aye ah fockin well am, Martin. This is going to be an absolute classic. Two toap four teams battling it oot for the title of supreme champions of everything ever. It's fockin amazing. I mean lets face maist of the shite we show I couldnae be ersed with. It's fockin rubbish ah'm telling ye. I'd rather have your sweaty bawbags in mah fockin mooth than watch most of the fockin shite we have to put up with. Seriously Martin I'd rather have a dick up mah fockin erse...Martin? Martin? Are ye ok?

Martin: I...er...I appear to have...er...come in my pants, Andy.

King's Conundrum

To quit or not to quit, that is the question. Whether it is nobler for me to bow out of international football to prolong my Tottenham career or suffer the constant agony in my knee and give everything for club and country?

Of course I owe Tottenham everything, they brought me through their youth ranks and put me into the first team. I played my socks off. Well I say played my socks off, I had to yank them off, the elastic was too tight and was cutting of the circulation in my weak, weak legs.

Then they made me captain, despite only appearing once every blue moon. I say once every blue moon, but in truth I did miss a couple of blue moons due to being injured.

Of course not everyone at Spurs was supportive. Darren Anderton and I never got on. He felt I was a threat to his place on the physio table. He was very competitive, always claiming he could get injured easier than me. But I showed him. One day I fly landed upon my outstretched leg and pop! my knee was dislocated. In your face Darren.

But I also have to think of my country. I've never been a regular at international level and not just because I'm always injured. I'm also just not good enough. There has always been at least two better defenders than me. But I'm sure my retirement would be a great loss to the England team nonetheless. They need someone to make Owen Hargreaves look like he's regularly fit. Who will fill that role now? Well I suppose they could try and see if Tomas Rosicky has any English relatives.

So what to do? If I retire I may be able to play four, maybe five, games a season for Spurs but if I keep my international dreams alive I may one day almost nearly be in contention for a starting place in the England team at a major tournament right up until about two days before it starts when bang! there goes my knee again.

It is quite the conundrum.

Arsenal. We're all about the spitting.

"For their club captain Cesc Fabregas to spit at my assistant at the end of the game shows you what this club is all about."

The above is a quote from Phil 'the stain in my pants is a nice shade of' Brown. Regardless of whether the incident happened or not what the bleedin' flip is Phil 'brother of Charlie' Brown talking about? Why would one player, Captain or not, spitting at someone reflect the club as a whole? Last season was our club all about sitting on the half way line crying? When Henry was captain was our club all about looking vaguely pissed off every time we scored? Or when Tony Adams was captain was our team all about getting drunk out of their minds at every available opportunity? Well actually the answer to the last one is yes. But the points still valid. One man's actions do not tell you what a club is all about.

And if they did surely Wenger's actions would supercede the captain's? In which case Arsenal would presumably be about myopia. So is Phil 'I wish Whitney had married me instead of Bobby' Brown not the main focal point of his team? Do his actions not represent how he wants people to perceive his team? Is he in fact leaving the burden of that particular responsibility entirely on his club captians shoulders? And if so what kind of manager is he? A shit one, clearly.