Usmanov and Kroenke: The Big Debate

Arsenal's two major shareholders are both creeping ever closer to the 30% of shares needed to take over the club. Here is a transcript from a soon to be broadcast television debate between the two trying to win over the Arsenal faithful.

Presenter: Hello and welcome to todays debate. It's so huge it could be described as a mass debate, ha ha.

Director: Cut! Get off. Get off the damn stage and out of my sight.

Someone call Des Lynam, he doesn't do much anymore he must be available.

[20 mins later]

Lynam: Hi, I'm Des Lynam. And welcome to today's debate. Without further ado let's introduce you to our two guest speakers Alisher Usmanov and Stan 'the man' Kroenke.

Usmanov: Hello.

Kroenke: G'day cobbers. [Ivan Gazidis walks on and whispers into Kroenke's ear] Er...right. Howdy y'all I'm from the U.S.A!

Lynam: Mr Usmanov a lot of peopel worry that you are in fact a Russian gangster, how do answer your critics.

Usmanov: Well I certainly don't put horses heads in their beds.

Lynam: Well that's good. And Stan, you're patently a lovely chap who would be brilliant for Arsenal. What are your favourite colours?

Kroenke: Red and white of course. Yeee-ha!

[crowd whoops]

Lynam: And Mr Usmanov you've called your company Red and White Holdings isn't that just maliciously stealing good ol' Stan's favourite colours?

Usmanov: What? He's clearly just trying to curry favour with the fans. It's shameless.

Lynam: But isn't it true that you eat babies?

Usmanov: It was one baby! Can't you people forgive and forget?

Lynam: And even worse, don't you consort with David Dein?

[crowd boos]

Usmanov: Well yes, but so did Mr Kro-

Lynam: Lets have a little less mudslinging, Mr Usmanov. This is a serious debate. Now isn't it true that you inject poison into people with umbrellas?

Usmanov: That's a half truth.

Lynam: And that's enough from you, you fat Russian mobster.

Stan, you fantastic man you, if you became the Arsenal owner what changes would you make?

Kroenke: I'd just listen to the fans. Plus I'd pump all my unlimited wealth into the club. We'd win everything ever I can 100% guarantee it.

Lynam: Well there you have it. Stan Kroenke, legend. Usmanov, evil. I think we can safely say Stan will be the next owner of -

[Jack Wilshere, Henri Lansbury and Fran Merida rush onto the stage]

Wilshere: Wait!

Lansbury: We've found out something shocking about Stan Kroenke

Merida: Jinkies!

Wilshere: He's not Stan Kroenke at all. Show them Henri.

[Lansbury grabs Kroenke's face and rips off his mask]

Lynam: Oh my God! It's David Dein!

Dein: And I would've got away with it too, if it wasn't for those pesky kids.Merida: Jinkies

A Rant and then a Little Ray of Hope...

Right, we lost. Not just that we were comprehensively beaten over two legs by a better team. So what now?

Firstly, I would like to point out that Ronaldo's performance last night, while undeniably good, was not something so extraordinary, so out of this world that no team could cope with it as the press seem to be making out. In fact to suggest so does Man Utd a huge disservice. They won because they played very well as a team. Ji-Sung Park, Fletcher, O'Shea all gave everything worked hard, knew their roles and supported their more illustrious team mates fantastically. The first goal was not made by Ronaldo it was made by the pass that released him, his cross was pretty much straight at Gibbs and on another night would have been cleared. His second goal was a great free kick but he is a taker of great free kicks rather than a great free kick taker. Once or twice a year he scores a screamer but the majority of his free kicks go straight down the keepers throat or miles over the bar as all his other efforts did last night. And the final goal was a wonderful break but given the situation of the game we had to leave our defence exposed and once again the goal was made by the ball to Rooney and then his perfect, and unselfish pass to Ronaldo.

This is not to take away from Ronaldo in any way he is clearly a great, great player. But last night showed that Man Utd are more than just one great player. They are a great team. And trust me I don't say that easily. Arsenal on the other hand were not a great team last night. We lacked creativity, more than any other Arsenal team since Wenger took over. Our problem used to be our profligacy now we don't even create the chances to miss.

So how do we bridge this gap? Well we already have to some extent. Andrey Arshavin is a creative player, a player that can change games, score goals and frighten defences. A bit like Ronaldo but without the sort of face you want to punch. With Arshavin in our side over the two legs it might have been slightly different. Maybe not enough to win the game but maybe enough to score in open play at least. We still need to add to our squad over the summer but we don't need wholesale changes.

I genuinely believe next year Arshavin, Nasri will give the support for Fabregas that we need. I think Song is developing into a top quality midfielder but we could do with some competition for the defensive midfielder spot which I don't think Diaby or Denilson will ever really provide. We need a better cover in central defence than Silvestre and we need a striker who will score goals week in week out. Hopefully a fully fit Eduardo will be able to do this.

The gulf between us and Man Utd is not as big as these games suggest. I'm sure we will be more consistent at the start of the season which will gives us the confidence to go on and do well next year, we aren't as naive as we were at the start of this year. Arshavin looks phenomenal and is experienced enough to know how to produce throughout the season and hopefully youngsters like Gibbs will come back stronger from this setback.

So we're out but I'm not down. I'd love us to have the success of Man Utd but if we don't it doesn't change a thing. Because Arsenal have always been, and will always be, by far the greatest team the world has ever seen.

In my eyes at least.