If Reality's So Good Why Don't You Go Live There?

If we look at the reality of our situation we'd have to admit we have an uphill battle to go through to the final of the champions league but sod reality let's just drift off into a fantasy world instead.

It was a fantasy in '89 that we'd be able to go to Anfield on the last day of the season and put two past Liverpool. It was an even bigger fantasy in the 89th minute that we'd still be able to nick a last minute goal to win the league. But somehow the fantasy came true.

And no one gave us a prayer in '94 against Parma but somehow Smudger pulled off a phenomenal volley to put us in fantasy land once again.

Then of course there was the '97/'98 season. We were dead and buried in the league, there was absolutely no way we could overturn Man Utd's lead but we put on a fantastic unbeaten run and in the end won it comfortably. Surely that couldn't have happened in real life could it?

And going the entire season unbeaten? Ludicrous! Never gonna happen. Except it did.

And surely a makeshift defence with Flamini at left back and Senderos in the middle could never get to a Champions League final? That's just cloud cuckoo land surely?

So don't panic Arsenal fans, we may be down but we're not out. We don't do things the 'real' way, we do things in a fantastical way, in a dreamworld way, in a we're-the-battling-underdog-not-got-a-hope-in-hell-Rocky-Balboa way, we do things The Arsenal Way.

What's that in Silvestre's pocket? Er...lint?

I'm not one to bash Arsenal players, I'll bash players from other teams, I'll bash other teams fans and occasionally I'll even bash the bishop, but in general Arsenal players are off limits until they've left the club and then they're fair game.

So here's hoping this is Silvestre's only season for us.

He isn't solely to blame for our defensive woes this season, Toure, Gallas, Clichy, Gibbs, Fabianski and Sagna have all made mistakes which have lead to goals but every time Silvestre plays he scares the hell out of me.

Was he always this bad? Did he just look good in a great Man Utd team? Or has he lost his pace, positional sense or ability to tackle in his old age? Did he ever have these attributes in the first place? God knows.

I actually supported his signing, figuring he wouldn't play much and would give us some much needed experience in the changing room, but since he's been called upon I wonder what experience he brings. Gibbs was clearly jittery last night and not once did I see Silvestre go over and have a word or calm him down or even, god forbid, lead by example.

So he's not helping the youngsters and he's not doing the business on the pitch and sadly at the moment he's the only option we've got. Bring back Senderos, all is forgiven.

Either that or tell Bould to bring his boots for the next game.

Sky Super Sunday

Richard Keys: Hello and welcome to another cracking Sunday of football. Our first game today is a top of the table clash between Liverpool and Manchester United. Cocking hell, it doesn't get much cocking better than that does it? With me today is of course the ubiquitous Jamie Redknapp and Dion Dublin.

Redknapp: Hello Richard.

Dublin: Top o' the morning to ye.

Keys: Er...Dion, are you doing an Irish accent?

Dublin: Oi am, Richard. Oi've decided moi accent should match moi surname.

Keys: Marvellous. Now today's fixture could go a long way to deciding the eventual winners of the league. Jamie, as an ex-Liverpool player can I assume you'll be cocking rooting for them?

Redknapp: You can Richard. Though of course I have a lot of respect for Man Utd even though I never played for them, my father hasn't managed them and I have no relatives on the playing staff. I mean that must be the sign of a good team if they don't meet any of my usual criteria and I still respect them.

Keys: Very cocking true, Jamie. And Dion, as an ex-Man Utd man do you have the same respect for Liverpool?

Dublin: No oi don't, Richard. I think the manager is a big bollocks, the players are all bollockses and the city of Liverpool is entoirely populated by bollockses.

Keys: There's a large Irish contingent in Liverpool though.

Dublin: Bollocks.

Keys: Marvellous. And now without further ado let's join our commentarty team of Martin Tyler and Andy Gray.

Tyler: Thank you Richard. And what a game we have in store for us today. The two teams at the top of the table, you must be almost overflowing with excitement Andy?

Gray: Aye ah fockin well am, Martin. This is going to be an absolute classic. Two toap four teams battling it oot for the title of supreme champions of everything ever. It's fockin amazing. I mean lets face maist of the shite we show I couldnae be ersed with. It's fockin rubbish ah'm telling ye. I'd rather have your sweaty bawbags in mah fockin mooth than watch most of the fockin shite we have to put up with. Seriously Martin I'd rather have a dick up mah fockin erse...Martin? Martin? Are ye ok?

Martin: I...er...I appear to have...er...come in my pants, Andy.