GK: Massimo Taibi - You know you're a bad goalie when you make a nazi-saluting, coke addled Australian look good.
LB: Lee Martin - To score the winning goal in an FA Cup final and still sink into obscurity just smacks of carelessness to me.
RB: Clayton Blackmore - If he was as good as his name he'd've been rubbish. But he couldn't even reach those lowly heights.
CB: David May - But he probably wont.
CB: William Prunier - Managed two whole games for the club. One of them a 4-1 defeat to Spurs. Says it all really.
LM: Jordi Cruyff - Living up to his father was always going to be difficult so Jordi instantly removed the Cruyff from his shirt. He fooled no one. Least of the defenders he was up against.
RM: Karel Poborsky - Scored a cracking goal in the European Championships, but if John Jensen has taught us anything it's that one Euro goal does not a good player make.
CM: Kleberson - Rumour has it Fergie was after another player with the same name. If I was about to spend £6m I'd check the guy could kick a ball first.
CM: Eric Djemba-Djemba - If you've got the same name twice people are going to pay attention to you. Try and make sure you can play football then.
CF: David Bellion - He was poor at Sunderland. Why would that make him good at Man Utd?
CF: Diego Forlan - No matter how many times he scored against Liverpool he was still cack.
Monday 24 November 2008
Wednesday 19 November 2008
Big Phil's Chip Shop
(First posted on 606 on 12 June 08)
Tired of being the third choice centre back at Arsenal Swiss polylinguist Phillipe Senderos decides instead to turn to his first love: frying battered fish. Aided by his loyal sidekick Johann Djourou they get ready to open the shop to the public.
Phillipe: Johann! Why are you standing there? You'll never be able to serve the customers standing so close to the chip fryer. Your positionings all wrong.
Johann: But I'm quite nippy Phil. I'll be able to make up the ground trust me. How's the fish coming along?
Phillipe: Fantastic! At first I was a bit nervous but now I've battered a few cods I'm starting to feel more confident.
Johann: Oh that reminds me Kolo said he'd pop in a bit later. He said he's been battering fish for years and he'll be happy to help.
Phillipe: That'd be great. I just hope I don't lose my knack for it without the constant practice. Do you think we should've got more mushy peas?
Johann: I think we'll be fine. Anyway we're both young and only just starting out in the chip shop trade. I'm sure people will forgive us a few mistakes.
Phillipe: That's true. But I've heard this is a big chip-loving area. They're used to quality fish and chips. I just hope they're patient enough to let us develop and grow or we'll be plying our trade in Wigan or Birmingham in no time.
Johann: Birmingham? God no. I spent six months frying fish down there last year and didn't learn a thing. The way they fry fish in the sticks just doesn't cut it here in the big city.
Phillipe: Fret ye not Johann we'll be fine. Ooh no! I just dropped a haddock! Oh god it's all going wrong, we'll never be top quality chip shop owners! Woe is me!
Johann: It's just one haddock Phil, surely it's not the end of the world? Oh look here comes Kolo and William's with him. They'll sort us out.
Phillipe: Hooray! They're always there when I need them.
Tired of being the third choice centre back at Arsenal Swiss polylinguist Phillipe Senderos decides instead to turn to his first love: frying battered fish. Aided by his loyal sidekick Johann Djourou they get ready to open the shop to the public.
Phillipe: Johann! Why are you standing there? You'll never be able to serve the customers standing so close to the chip fryer. Your positionings all wrong.
Johann: But I'm quite nippy Phil. I'll be able to make up the ground trust me. How's the fish coming along?
Phillipe: Fantastic! At first I was a bit nervous but now I've battered a few cods I'm starting to feel more confident.
Johann: Oh that reminds me Kolo said he'd pop in a bit later. He said he's been battering fish for years and he'll be happy to help.
Phillipe: That'd be great. I just hope I don't lose my knack for it without the constant practice. Do you think we should've got more mushy peas?
Johann: I think we'll be fine. Anyway we're both young and only just starting out in the chip shop trade. I'm sure people will forgive us a few mistakes.
Phillipe: That's true. But I've heard this is a big chip-loving area. They're used to quality fish and chips. I just hope they're patient enough to let us develop and grow or we'll be plying our trade in Wigan or Birmingham in no time.
Johann: Birmingham? God no. I spent six months frying fish down there last year and didn't learn a thing. The way they fry fish in the sticks just doesn't cut it here in the big city.
Phillipe: Fret ye not Johann we'll be fine. Ooh no! I just dropped a haddock! Oh god it's all going wrong, we'll never be top quality chip shop owners! Woe is me!
Johann: It's just one haddock Phil, surely it's not the end of the world? Oh look here comes Kolo and William's with him. They'll sort us out.
Phillipe: Hooray! They're always there when I need them.
Monday 17 November 2008
The Glory Hunters: Euro 2008
(First published on 606 on 10 June 2008)
Previously on The Glory Hunters: Clive Chives and Tarquin met in the Slug and Lettuce as they do every week to discuss football over a cool beer. Clive is a Man Utd 'fan' and Tarquin supports Arsenal, though he's thinking of changing.
Clive: Hello Tarquin my old chummer. What'll it be today?
Tarquin: Well call me crazy but I saw an advert for a beer called Kaliber on my way here and it looked simply scrummy. I think I'll have one of those. Better make it a Kaliber shandy though, I don't want to get tipsy.
Clive: Good choice chummer. The bottle's on the bottom shelf of the fridge too so we'll get to ogle that Polish sort behind the bar's lovely bottom.
Tarquin: Marvellous! So have you been keeping up with the old footy tournament. Europe 8 I think it's called.
Clive: Well I was going to but I had a look at the fixture list and couldn't see Man United anywhere so I haven't really paid attention.
Tarquin: Yes that is strange. Maybe they don't have to play in Europe 8 because they already won the Champions Cup.
Clive: Yes that must be it. This must be some kind of runner up type competition.
Tarquin: Well I'm going to keep an eye on it, maybe I'll find a new team to support. I liked the look of Holland last night. I wonder what league they're in?
Clive: I wouldn't know I'm afraid. What colour were their shirts?
Tarquin: Bright orange.
Clive: Wouldn't that put you off supporting them?
Tarquin: Yes you're right. I'm really looking for a team that wears red or blue. Most of my ties are in those colours and I'd hate to have go out and buy a whole load of bright orange ones to prove to my chummers at the golf club that I was a Hollander through and through.
Clive: Very true. Got to keep up appearances at the golf club. Another Kaliber shandy?
Tarquin: No, no it's going straight to my head. Good job I'm not driving tonight my old chummer.
Previously on The Glory Hunters: Clive Chives and Tarquin met in the Slug and Lettuce as they do every week to discuss football over a cool beer. Clive is a Man Utd 'fan' and Tarquin supports Arsenal, though he's thinking of changing.
Clive: Hello Tarquin my old chummer. What'll it be today?
Tarquin: Well call me crazy but I saw an advert for a beer called Kaliber on my way here and it looked simply scrummy. I think I'll have one of those. Better make it a Kaliber shandy though, I don't want to get tipsy.
Clive: Good choice chummer. The bottle's on the bottom shelf of the fridge too so we'll get to ogle that Polish sort behind the bar's lovely bottom.
Tarquin: Marvellous! So have you been keeping up with the old footy tournament. Europe 8 I think it's called.
Clive: Well I was going to but I had a look at the fixture list and couldn't see Man United anywhere so I haven't really paid attention.
Tarquin: Yes that is strange. Maybe they don't have to play in Europe 8 because they already won the Champions Cup.
Clive: Yes that must be it. This must be some kind of runner up type competition.
Tarquin: Well I'm going to keep an eye on it, maybe I'll find a new team to support. I liked the look of Holland last night. I wonder what league they're in?
Clive: I wouldn't know I'm afraid. What colour were their shirts?
Tarquin: Bright orange.
Clive: Wouldn't that put you off supporting them?
Tarquin: Yes you're right. I'm really looking for a team that wears red or blue. Most of my ties are in those colours and I'd hate to have go out and buy a whole load of bright orange ones to prove to my chummers at the golf club that I was a Hollander through and through.
Clive: Very true. Got to keep up appearances at the golf club. Another Kaliber shandy?
Tarquin: No, no it's going straight to my head. Good job I'm not driving tonight my old chummer.
Thursday 13 November 2008
Rio Ferdinand's New Book
(First posted on 606 prior to Euro 2008)
The following is an excerpt from Rio Ferdinand's forthcoming contractually obliged new autobiography, released to coincide with Euro 2008.
"It got to the summer and despite my success in the Champions League I was still left with a hollow feeling as if something was missing in my life. I knew I should be doing something but I just seemed to have more time on my hands than usual. I can't think why. It's probably really obvious, I'm just a big ol' dufus.
Rather than kicking my heels I decided to play a few of my trademark hilarious practical jokes. Like the other day I went round to Cristiano Ronaldo's house and put a flaming bag of dog poo on his doorstep and then rang the doorbell. Then as I was running off to hide G-Nev called me and asked if I wanted to go round his to watch the football. I completely forgot about the flaming poo until I the match kicked off - it was Portugal vs Turkey. Ronaldo wasn't home he was at the Euro's. No wonder I saw so many fire engines whizzing passed me as I went round G-Nev's house. God, I'm such a dufus.
While I was round G-Nev's his brother P-Nev and his dad Nev-Nev came over. I thought 'here's a chance for some practical joking shenanigans' so I put cling film over the toilet bowl. Then like the dufus I am I forgot about it. A few funny fags later and I went back into the bathroom to take a dump.
I really am a dufus-ma-lufus."
The following is an excerpt from Rio Ferdinand's forthcoming contractually obliged new autobiography, released to coincide with Euro 2008.
"It got to the summer and despite my success in the Champions League I was still left with a hollow feeling as if something was missing in my life. I knew I should be doing something but I just seemed to have more time on my hands than usual. I can't think why. It's probably really obvious, I'm just a big ol' dufus.
Rather than kicking my heels I decided to play a few of my trademark hilarious practical jokes. Like the other day I went round to Cristiano Ronaldo's house and put a flaming bag of dog poo on his doorstep and then rang the doorbell. Then as I was running off to hide G-Nev called me and asked if I wanted to go round his to watch the football. I completely forgot about the flaming poo until I the match kicked off - it was Portugal vs Turkey. Ronaldo wasn't home he was at the Euro's. No wonder I saw so many fire engines whizzing passed me as I went round G-Nev's house. God, I'm such a dufus.
While I was round G-Nev's his brother P-Nev and his dad Nev-Nev came over. I thought 'here's a chance for some practical joking shenanigans' so I put cling film over the toilet bowl. Then like the dufus I am I forgot about it. A few funny fags later and I went back into the bathroom to take a dump.
I really am a dufus-ma-lufus."
Wednesday 12 November 2008
The Glory Hunters: Transfer Rumours
(First published on 606 on 03 June 08)
Previously on The Glory Hunters: Clive Chives and Tarquin meet up every week at the Slug and Lettuce to talk about football. Tarquin is still undecided on who he should change allegiance to after Arsenal went another season without winning and Clive is smugly superior about his choice of Man Utd.
Clive: Hello Tarquin my old chummer. Bottle of Becks?
Tarquin: Actually I'll have a Corona.
Clive: A what?
Tarquin: A girl in my office told me about them, you get a wedge of lime with it so it helps take away that horrible beery taste.
Clive: Sounds good, I think I'll join you. Hopefully that Polish sort with the nice bottom will serve us.
Tarquin: Too right chummer. Bit quiet on the old footy front this week.
Clive: Indeed. I did see on the back of someone's Metro that you're after some French chap. Sammy something or other.
Tarquin: Sammy Nasro. Oh yes, he's a top footy player. Great at, you know, the old kicking the footy. I'm not sure he'll convince me to carry on with Arsenal though.
Clive: No, he's not exactly a star name is he, old Samuel Nashry.
Tarquin: Exactly, it's about time Wenger spent big, splashed the cash. I say get old David Beckham from Real Madrid. £30 million ought to do it.
Clive: Oh yes, Becks'd be a good signing. I remember watching him on Match Of The Day, pace, kicking, other football things, he has it all.
Tarquin: So what about your boys then? Any transfer news? I overheard two lads in the canteen saying you might lose Evra if he doesn't sign a new contract.
Clive: Who?
Tarquin: Evra is it? Evans? Ebra?
Clive: Do you mean Ronaldo?
Tarquin: Yes that must be it. This Corona's pretty good isn't it? Nice and limey.
Clive: Not as nice as that Polish sort's bottom though eh?
Tarquin: Phwoar you're not wrong me old chummer. You're not wrong.
Previously on The Glory Hunters: Clive Chives and Tarquin meet up every week at the Slug and Lettuce to talk about football. Tarquin is still undecided on who he should change allegiance to after Arsenal went another season without winning and Clive is smugly superior about his choice of Man Utd.
Clive: Hello Tarquin my old chummer. Bottle of Becks?
Tarquin: Actually I'll have a Corona.
Clive: A what?
Tarquin: A girl in my office told me about them, you get a wedge of lime with it so it helps take away that horrible beery taste.
Clive: Sounds good, I think I'll join you. Hopefully that Polish sort with the nice bottom will serve us.
Tarquin: Too right chummer. Bit quiet on the old footy front this week.
Clive: Indeed. I did see on the back of someone's Metro that you're after some French chap. Sammy something or other.
Tarquin: Sammy Nasro. Oh yes, he's a top footy player. Great at, you know, the old kicking the footy. I'm not sure he'll convince me to carry on with Arsenal though.
Clive: No, he's not exactly a star name is he, old Samuel Nashry.
Tarquin: Exactly, it's about time Wenger spent big, splashed the cash. I say get old David Beckham from Real Madrid. £30 million ought to do it.
Clive: Oh yes, Becks'd be a good signing. I remember watching him on Match Of The Day, pace, kicking, other football things, he has it all.
Tarquin: So what about your boys then? Any transfer news? I overheard two lads in the canteen saying you might lose Evra if he doesn't sign a new contract.
Clive: Who?
Tarquin: Evra is it? Evans? Ebra?
Clive: Do you mean Ronaldo?
Tarquin: Yes that must be it. This Corona's pretty good isn't it? Nice and limey.
Clive: Not as nice as that Polish sort's bottom though eh?
Tarquin: Phwoar you're not wrong me old chummer. You're not wrong.
Tuesday 11 November 2008
Ray's Beauty Parlour
Since his retirement Ray Parlour has just been kicking his heels and doing a little punditry on the side, however he is finally getting the oppurtunity to live his dreams and open a beauty parlour. Here is an extract from his diary as he tries to get his new business underway.
5th April 08
Tomorrow's the big day, the Grand Opening. Nothing can spoil it. Except maybe the fact that Jade Goody is opening her own beauty parlour across the street. She thinks she can compete with me, the Romford Pele? Not a chance, they don't compare me to him 'cos I'm totally impotent, oh no, it's 'cos at Ray's you get a fantastic Brazilian.
6th April 08
What a day! I had my first customer, she was a right dog. Long, straight hair half way down her back. I said I've got the name of a fantastic hairdresser if you want. He'll give you beautiful golden locks like mine. She said she just wanted a manicure.
I closed up for an hour at lunch and when I came back someone had chucked a brick through the window. I bet it was that Jade Goody. I'll get her good.
7th April 08
A busy day, the word is getting round that Ray's is the premier beauty parlour in town. But then Jade's little salon did explode mysteriously in the night.
No one messes with the Romford Pele!
5th April 08
Tomorrow's the big day, the Grand Opening. Nothing can spoil it. Except maybe the fact that Jade Goody is opening her own beauty parlour across the street. She thinks she can compete with me, the Romford Pele? Not a chance, they don't compare me to him 'cos I'm totally impotent, oh no, it's 'cos at Ray's you get a fantastic Brazilian.
6th April 08
What a day! I had my first customer, she was a right dog. Long, straight hair half way down her back. I said I've got the name of a fantastic hairdresser if you want. He'll give you beautiful golden locks like mine. She said she just wanted a manicure.
I closed up for an hour at lunch and when I came back someone had chucked a brick through the window. I bet it was that Jade Goody. I'll get her good.
7th April 08
A busy day, the word is getting round that Ray's is the premier beauty parlour in town. But then Jade's little salon did explode mysteriously in the night.
No one messes with the Romford Pele!
Thursday 6 November 2008
The Glory Hunters: Season Summary
(First posted on 606 on 27 May 2008)
Tarquin and Clive are glory hunters, Tarquin started watching football in 2004 and supported Arsenal, however after 3 fruitless years he is looking elsewhere for a team.
Clive is a Manchester United fan and has supported them through thick and, well not thin so much he sort of stopped watching for a few years, but now they're back to their winning ways Clive is 'mad for it' again.
They both live in London and meet up every week in the Slug and Lettuce and discuss football over a bottle of Becks.
Tarquin: Hello Clive, a good end to the season for you my old chummer. Did you watch the final?
Clive: Oh yes, what a game that was! I watched almost the entire highlight show.
Tarquin: I was so envious. It's becoming clear to me that Arsenal just can't compete with you big boys. I mean I watched nearly three whole Match of the Days this season and not once did we beat anyone I'd heard of. In fact we weren't even playing anyone I'd heard of. Derby? Reading? West Ham Rovers? What division are we in now? Where were the Juventus's and Real Madrid's that we used to play?
Clive: It must of been hard for you. Did you get go to any matches?
Tarquin: No, no, not until we start winning again. It's just too much of an effort. I hear there's been some spare seats and Chelsea this year, maybe I should pop along there next season. What about you, did you go at all?
Clive: Well a chummer of mine at the golf club is a season ticket holder at the Theatre of Dreams. He couldn't make it to a game because his daughter was getting married so he offered me a ticket.
Tarquin: Amazing! How was the game?
Clive: Oh well I couldn't make it, the wife had a pedicure that day and someone had to look after our little poodle, Lord Pawpaw. But I don't think it was a proper game, just some sort of benefit thing for a plane crash 50 years ago or something.
Tarquin: Probably for the best that you missed it then. What was the score?
Tarquin: Definitely best you missed it then.
Clive: Oh yes indeed my old chummeroonie. Another Becks?
Tarquin: Better make it a non-alchoholic one, I've got to get the train and I don't want to be caught short and have to use the horrible toilets they have on them.
Tarquin and Clive are glory hunters, Tarquin started watching football in 2004 and supported Arsenal, however after 3 fruitless years he is looking elsewhere for a team.
Clive is a Manchester United fan and has supported them through thick and, well not thin so much he sort of stopped watching for a few years, but now they're back to their winning ways Clive is 'mad for it' again.
They both live in London and meet up every week in the Slug and Lettuce and discuss football over a bottle of Becks.
Tarquin: Hello Clive, a good end to the season for you my old chummer. Did you watch the final?
Clive: Oh yes, what a game that was! I watched almost the entire highlight show.
Tarquin: I was so envious. It's becoming clear to me that Arsenal just can't compete with you big boys. I mean I watched nearly three whole Match of the Days this season and not once did we beat anyone I'd heard of. In fact we weren't even playing anyone I'd heard of. Derby? Reading? West Ham Rovers? What division are we in now? Where were the Juventus's and Real Madrid's that we used to play?
Clive: It must of been hard for you. Did you get go to any matches?
Tarquin: No, no, not until we start winning again. It's just too much of an effort. I hear there's been some spare seats and Chelsea this year, maybe I should pop along there next season. What about you, did you go at all?
Clive: Well a chummer of mine at the golf club is a season ticket holder at the Theatre of Dreams. He couldn't make it to a game because his daughter was getting married so he offered me a ticket.
Tarquin: Amazing! How was the game?
Clive: Oh well I couldn't make it, the wife had a pedicure that day and someone had to look after our little poodle, Lord Pawpaw. But I don't think it was a proper game, just some sort of benefit thing for a plane crash 50 years ago or something.
Tarquin: Probably for the best that you missed it then. What was the score?
Tarquin: Definitely best you missed it then.
Clive: Oh yes indeed my old chummeroonie. Another Becks?
Tarquin: Better make it a non-alchoholic one, I've got to get the train and I don't want to be caught short and have to use the horrible toilets they have on them.
Tuesday 4 November 2008
Footballing Heroes: Gus Caesar
Augustus "Gus" Caesar was born in Tottenham in 1966, proving that nothing good ever comes out of Tottenham, and that 1966 wasn't such a good year for English football after all.
Caesar could play both at full back or in central defence, although 'play' is somewhat of an overstatement.
Little is known of young Augustus's youth other than the fact that until the age of 12 he was convinced he was the reincarnation of his Roman Emperor namesake. He was taken by his worried parents to various medical professionals, quacks and charlatans but none of them could shake young Gus's convinction that he was the living embodiment of such an important historical figure.
One day in the late seventies however a mystical shaman came to Tottenham and spotted Caesar organising the village nerds into a precise re-enactment of the original Augustus's successful campaigns in Northern Hispania. The shaman walked up to Gus and whispered something in his ear. Gus Caesar rubbed his eyes and walked off to play football with the cool kids.
He was soon snapped up by Arsenal - who really should've known better - where, despite training under George Graham and alongside Tony Adams and Martin Keown, Caesar never mastered the art of defence. Or in fact any of the basic skills that could've convinced anyone that he was going to become a professional footballer.
Nowadays Gus Caesar can be found back in his native Tottenham with the Roman Re-enactment Society, mumbling under is breath 'Rome is cool, football is for weirdos. Rome is cool, football is for weirdos.' If questioned about his infamous miskick in 1988 he will turn and scream at the questioner "I'M NOT A WEIRDO!" Before going back to his mumbled mantra and painting the die-cast legionaries he prides over any medals he could of won playing football.
Caesar could play both at full back or in central defence, although 'play' is somewhat of an overstatement.
Little is known of young Augustus's youth other than the fact that until the age of 12 he was convinced he was the reincarnation of his Roman Emperor namesake. He was taken by his worried parents to various medical professionals, quacks and charlatans but none of them could shake young Gus's convinction that he was the living embodiment of such an important historical figure.
One day in the late seventies however a mystical shaman came to Tottenham and spotted Caesar organising the village nerds into a precise re-enactment of the original Augustus's successful campaigns in Northern Hispania. The shaman walked up to Gus and whispered something in his ear. Gus Caesar rubbed his eyes and walked off to play football with the cool kids.
He was soon snapped up by Arsenal - who really should've known better - where, despite training under George Graham and alongside Tony Adams and Martin Keown, Caesar never mastered the art of defence. Or in fact any of the basic skills that could've convinced anyone that he was going to become a professional footballer.
Nowadays Gus Caesar can be found back in his native Tottenham with the Roman Re-enactment Society, mumbling under is breath 'Rome is cool, football is for weirdos. Rome is cool, football is for weirdos.' If questioned about his infamous miskick in 1988 he will turn and scream at the questioner "I'M NOT A WEIRDO!" Before going back to his mumbled mantra and painting the die-cast legionaries he prides over any medals he could of won playing football.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)