Ian Selley signed for Arsenal in 1990 at the age of 16. He was immediately heralded as the next Patrick Vieira despite the fact that Patrick Vieira was only 14 at the time and no one had heard of him.
He made his full debut at the age of 18 and instantly garnered a reputation for being a footballer...just.
Selley had grown up on the mean streets of Weybridge and very little is known about his past, although it is rumoured that he was found in a dustbin aged 5 having been raised by badgers. This is vehemently denied by the badger population who claim if they had raised him he would've been able to control a ball.
At 12 Selley joined in his first game of football as he'd previously been scorned by his peers for only eating worms and communicating with a series of growls and purrs. In this game he broke his own leg three times and another boys twice. Not bad as he was only substituted on with 3 minutes left. And that was only as a linesman.
He rocketed through the youth ranks being known for his ferocious tackles and his staunch defence of what he called his 'territory' (handily marked out before the match with his own urine.)
After making his debut for Arsenal he went on to appear far too many times for them. However during this period Selley's presence in the team was instrumental to how Arsenal played at the time, entirely bypassing the midfield and getting it straight up to Ian Wright.
When Wenger arrived in 1996 many people thought Selley would be a crucial part of the Frenchman's team but then at that time most people thought Wenger was an idiot who'd only ever managed in Japan.
Selley was promptly sold to lower league Fulham where nothing of note has ever happened. Eventually Selley returned to his set in Weybridge where he happily divides his time between suckling his young and gazing at his Cup Winners Cup medal that he actually, genuinely has. No, really he does.
Friday 26 September 2008
Thursday 25 September 2008
A Garlic-Munchers Guide to Arsenal
Arsenal FC were formed in 1989 when Michael Thomas willed himself into existence with less than a minute left of the 88/89 season. Luckily his self-creation opened a wormhole in the space time continuum and allowed another ten players from alternative dimensions to enter the field of play. This was probably the most unusual thing to happen at Anfield since 1962 when the entire away support left the game without having had the wheels nicked off their cars.
The team was put under the care of Scotsman George Graham. Everyone was shocked and appalled that an English team could have a foreign manager and made Arsenal sign a declaration that in the future they would only ever have a manager who was born within 20 miles of there home ground.
In 1996 Arsenal briefly moved Highbury to Strasbourg when, entirely by coincidence, they signed Arsene Wenger as the club's manager. It was of course the first time Arsenal had ever changed location although in the early 20th century Rand McNally released a highly innaccurate map of London which placed Woolwich in the Highbury and Islington area which has caused much confusion to this day.
Between '89 and '96 the club had achieved a decent amount of success by adopting the unusual tactic of tying their defenders together so that when one stepped forward to catch an opposing player offside the others had no choice but to follow.
This tactic proved unpopular with the fans and it wasn't until Arsene Wenger brought his scissors to Highbury and set the defence free that Arsenal garnered a strong fanbase. Although it has been said that the vast amount of these new fans were led here by Wenger from France. It is alleged that they followed a trail of garlic through the Channel Tunnel.
Since 1996 Arsenal have been a highly successful team, mainly thanks to an orphanage in France which was set up by Arsene Wenger to train young men how to play football. Because of the success of this orphanage similar projects have been set up in the Ivory Coast, Brazil and Spain. But not in England.
Despite being one of the most successful and sought after managers in modern football, Arsene Wenger's policy of only using his orphanage graduates has led to a large amount of criticism and forced the Arsenal board to close them down, saying they could easily cope without them. To counter this measure Wenger bought promising young Englishman Francis Jeffers to the club. Soon after this the board lifted the ban on orphanages. Mysteriously they have never stated their reasons why.
In recent years the club has suffered a slump in form. However, with his devoted following of garlic munchers and his un-ending supply of orphans it is surely only a matter of time before Arsene Wenger brings the glory days back to Arsenal.
The team was put under the care of Scotsman George Graham. Everyone was shocked and appalled that an English team could have a foreign manager and made Arsenal sign a declaration that in the future they would only ever have a manager who was born within 20 miles of there home ground.
In 1996 Arsenal briefly moved Highbury to Strasbourg when, entirely by coincidence, they signed Arsene Wenger as the club's manager. It was of course the first time Arsenal had ever changed location although in the early 20th century Rand McNally released a highly innaccurate map of London which placed Woolwich in the Highbury and Islington area which has caused much confusion to this day.
Between '89 and '96 the club had achieved a decent amount of success by adopting the unusual tactic of tying their defenders together so that when one stepped forward to catch an opposing player offside the others had no choice but to follow.
This tactic proved unpopular with the fans and it wasn't until Arsene Wenger brought his scissors to Highbury and set the defence free that Arsenal garnered a strong fanbase. Although it has been said that the vast amount of these new fans were led here by Wenger from France. It is alleged that they followed a trail of garlic through the Channel Tunnel.
Since 1996 Arsenal have been a highly successful team, mainly thanks to an orphanage in France which was set up by Arsene Wenger to train young men how to play football. Because of the success of this orphanage similar projects have been set up in the Ivory Coast, Brazil and Spain. But not in England.
Despite being one of the most successful and sought after managers in modern football, Arsene Wenger's policy of only using his orphanage graduates has led to a large amount of criticism and forced the Arsenal board to close them down, saying they could easily cope without them. To counter this measure Wenger bought promising young Englishman Francis Jeffers to the club. Soon after this the board lifted the ban on orphanages. Mysteriously they have never stated their reasons why.
In recent years the club has suffered a slump in form. However, with his devoted following of garlic munchers and his un-ending supply of orphans it is surely only a matter of time before Arsene Wenger brings the glory days back to Arsenal.
A Chav's Guide to Chelsea
Chelsea were formed in 2003 when Russian oil magnate Roman Abramovich was bet by Vladimir Putin that he couldn't spend £500m in two years.
The team was named after an infamous group of violent youths, the Chelsea Headhunters. This was to give the club a tough image that would frighten opposing teams, however it has led to the belief that Abramovich is actually a criminal from the russian underworld and Chelsea is just a legitimate front for his other dodgy dealings. This is not true and anyone who says otherwise will get their knees broken.
The clubs stadium was built on the site of an old School for English that did a sterling job teaching non-english speakers our language. As a mark of respect for the school Abramovich gave the role of manager of Chelsea to the school's star pupil, Claudio Ranieri.
Ranieri's previous job as a stonemason enabled him to create a team full of granite monoliths which he felt would compete for the league. He gave them life by placing the rare mineral Vanadinite into their heads. However he struggled to choose which of the 20,000 stone men he'd created should play and so swapped his line up for each game. A tactic for which he was often criticised, however it has been taken on by fellow English student Rafa Benitez in recent years.
When Abramovich realised he'd never win anything worthwile with Ranieri in charge he dismissed him and replaced him with the self-effacing Jose Mourinho. Mourinho's first task was to get rid of the surplus granite men, also known as Chelsea's Animated Vanadinite Stonemen or Chavs. He decided only to keep only one of them for the team, lumbering central defender John Terry. The other 19,999 became the core of the clubs supproters. Most of them still turn up for champions league games.
Mourinho then set about creating a Premiership winning team by reading the News of the World and finding out who other teams were after, he would then send some of Abramovich's entirely legal hired goons to their houses and make them an offer they couldn't refuse. In an entirely legal manner.
Despite removing the vast amount of granite players from his team and replacing them with some of the most skillful and talented players in the world (and Frank Lampard) Mourinho still instructed his players to play like lumps of rock.
This brought a substantial amount of success to the club and the formally shy and retiring Mourinho soon became an outspoken figure of fun causing Abramovich to replace him with an extra from a Hammer horror film.
The league titles appear to have dried up in recent years but who knows with a cross between Dracula and Kermit the Frog in charge and the army of brainless stone Chav's behind them perhaps the glory days will soon return to Chelsea F.C.
The team was named after an infamous group of violent youths, the Chelsea Headhunters. This was to give the club a tough image that would frighten opposing teams, however it has led to the belief that Abramovich is actually a criminal from the russian underworld and Chelsea is just a legitimate front for his other dodgy dealings. This is not true and anyone who says otherwise will get their knees broken.
The clubs stadium was built on the site of an old School for English that did a sterling job teaching non-english speakers our language. As a mark of respect for the school Abramovich gave the role of manager of Chelsea to the school's star pupil, Claudio Ranieri.
Ranieri's previous job as a stonemason enabled him to create a team full of granite monoliths which he felt would compete for the league. He gave them life by placing the rare mineral Vanadinite into their heads. However he struggled to choose which of the 20,000 stone men he'd created should play and so swapped his line up for each game. A tactic for which he was often criticised, however it has been taken on by fellow English student Rafa Benitez in recent years.
When Abramovich realised he'd never win anything worthwile with Ranieri in charge he dismissed him and replaced him with the self-effacing Jose Mourinho. Mourinho's first task was to get rid of the surplus granite men, also known as Chelsea's Animated Vanadinite Stonemen or Chavs. He decided only to keep only one of them for the team, lumbering central defender John Terry. The other 19,999 became the core of the clubs supproters. Most of them still turn up for champions league games.
Mourinho then set about creating a Premiership winning team by reading the News of the World and finding out who other teams were after, he would then send some of Abramovich's entirely legal hired goons to their houses and make them an offer they couldn't refuse. In an entirely legal manner.
Despite removing the vast amount of granite players from his team and replacing them with some of the most skillful and talented players in the world (and Frank Lampard) Mourinho still instructed his players to play like lumps of rock.
This brought a substantial amount of success to the club and the formally shy and retiring Mourinho soon became an outspoken figure of fun causing Abramovich to replace him with an extra from a Hammer horror film.
The league titles appear to have dried up in recent years but who knows with a cross between Dracula and Kermit the Frog in charge and the army of brainless stone Chav's behind them perhaps the glory days will soon return to Chelsea F.C.
Sunday 21 September 2008
A Plastic's Guide to Man United
Manchester United were formed in 1992 in Guildford. This was during the Great Oxygen Famine in Manchester. Half the population of the city turned blue, the rest moved to Surrey.
The club takes it's name from the famous Manchester United team of the 50's and 60's who sadly became defunct after legendary player George Best chopped up the entire stadium and snorted it up his nose.
In 1992 Alex Ferguson, the Man U manager, gave birth to the 34 year old Bryan Robson who he instantly installed as the Captain of the team. Despite only being with the club a short time Robson has become a legend for club and country despite never mastering the English language.
The club dominated domestic football throughout the 90's despite having a tiny fanbase. To counter this the club melted down vast amounts of plastic and shaped them into human form and filled the empty seats with these 'plastics'. In November 1992 lightning struck the stadium giving life to all the plastic fans. However, they have struggled to adapt to normal society and are generally looked down on by the general populace mainly due to their addiction to prawns.
In the mid nineties Alex Ferguson spawned multiple offspring, the most notable being Roy Keane who took over as captain of the club and Eric Cantona who was blessed with being the greatest human being ever to walk the earth. Both players were mild-mannered and loved by opposing teams and fans, never more so than when Cantona gave a Crystal Palace supporter a free Kung Fu lesson in front of a record crowd of 24 at Selhurst Park.
After giving birth to a generation of English talent Ferguson appears to have become barren and now relies on kidnapping other teams players and brainwashing the players to believe they've always been at Man Utd. Players such as Veron and Djemba-Djemba who proved too strong to succumb have told of the trauma of those days at Old Trafford, saying Ferguson always favoured his own children. Spoiling them by giving them presents such as a football boot to the head.
In 1999 the club won the 'treble'. To celebrate the plastics all burnt the year onto their foreheads and now just point at the four digits when anyone questions their loyalty to the team.The current team has been heralded by the now knighted Sir Alex Ferguson as the best he's ever had. Despite his obvious senility he still retains his position as one of the most respected in the game as his team again battle for the league and Champions League glory. The fact that the can only win two trophies this year has prompted some of the plastics to contemplate adding 'never again' below the 1999 on their foreheads. But who knows perhaps Fergie will recover his fertility and the glory days will come again.
The club takes it's name from the famous Manchester United team of the 50's and 60's who sadly became defunct after legendary player George Best chopped up the entire stadium and snorted it up his nose.
In 1992 Alex Ferguson, the Man U manager, gave birth to the 34 year old Bryan Robson who he instantly installed as the Captain of the team. Despite only being with the club a short time Robson has become a legend for club and country despite never mastering the English language.
The club dominated domestic football throughout the 90's despite having a tiny fanbase. To counter this the club melted down vast amounts of plastic and shaped them into human form and filled the empty seats with these 'plastics'. In November 1992 lightning struck the stadium giving life to all the plastic fans. However, they have struggled to adapt to normal society and are generally looked down on by the general populace mainly due to their addiction to prawns.
In the mid nineties Alex Ferguson spawned multiple offspring, the most notable being Roy Keane who took over as captain of the club and Eric Cantona who was blessed with being the greatest human being ever to walk the earth. Both players were mild-mannered and loved by opposing teams and fans, never more so than when Cantona gave a Crystal Palace supporter a free Kung Fu lesson in front of a record crowd of 24 at Selhurst Park.
After giving birth to a generation of English talent Ferguson appears to have become barren and now relies on kidnapping other teams players and brainwashing the players to believe they've always been at Man Utd. Players such as Veron and Djemba-Djemba who proved too strong to succumb have told of the trauma of those days at Old Trafford, saying Ferguson always favoured his own children. Spoiling them by giving them presents such as a football boot to the head.
In 1999 the club won the 'treble'. To celebrate the plastics all burnt the year onto their foreheads and now just point at the four digits when anyone questions their loyalty to the team.The current team has been heralded by the now knighted Sir Alex Ferguson as the best he's ever had. Despite his obvious senility he still retains his position as one of the most respected in the game as his team again battle for the league and Champions League glory. The fact that the can only win two trophies this year has prompted some of the plastics to contemplate adding 'never again' below the 1999 on their foreheads. But who knows perhaps Fergie will recover his fertility and the glory days will come again.
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