The Glory Hunters: Europe 8 Review

(First published on 606 in July 08)

This is the Evergreen Forest. Quiet, peaceful, serene. That is, until Bert Raccoon wakes up! No wait. Previously on The Glory Hunters: Clive Chives and Tarquin meet up on a weekly basis in the Slug and Lettuce to discuss football. Clive is a Man Utd 'fan' and Tarquin supported Arsenal but due to lack of success is looking for a new club. Clive is under the strange delusion that the Czech barmaid Karina fancies him. They have both just returned from their holidays.

Clive: Hello Tarquin my old chummer, how was the holiday?

Tarquin: Oh wonderful, I spent a week in Portugal. A lovely place, don't think they go in for the old ball of footy much though.

Clive: I can't think of any Portuguese players that's for sure. Spain, where I went, on the other hand has produced many great players. Ronaldo, Beckham...erm...that bloke from Fawlty Towers...

Karina: Hello, did I hear you went to Spain? The celebrations must have been incredible.

Clive: They were, I hit a hole in one on a par three dog-leg to the right. Sweetest shot of my life. I threw my nine iron so far in the air that I nearly killed a low flying seagull. Surprised you heard about it here though. I suppose I did phone all my chummers at the golf club to tell them about it. So, little lady, my polish lovely, do you like golf?

Karina: I am from Czech Republic. And no I don't like golf. I think it is a sport for men who cannot do sport. Do you want drinks?

Tarquin: Well I say! Clive and I are sportsmen of the highest order. Big football supporter-fans too. I support Ars...er...well...er...I'll have a bottle of Heineken please.

Clive: Heineken? What's that?

Tarquin: I had it on holiday I think it must be a Portuguese beer.

Clive: Make it two then. Still not found a club to support then?

Tarquin: No, after Holland dropped out of Europe 8 I've decided to take a bit more time before I choose my team. You can't be too careful.

Clive: You could always join me as a Man Utd fan.

Tarquin: But then how could we discuss whose team has the better players? Do you remember a couple of years back we had those brilliant chats over who was better Keade or Vieriarea?

Clive: Ah yes, those were the days my chummer. Those were the days.

Big Phil's Motorcycle Diaries

(First posted on 606 on 27/06/08)

Tired of being 3rd choice centre back at Arsenal Phillipe Senderos decides to take some time off to travel across South America on his trusty Norton. He is joined on his journey by Emmanuel Eboue. Here is an extract from his diary.

3rd June

I flew into Buenos Aires today. The flight was horrific. I hate flying. I'm a big chap but I'm really not that good in the air.Thank God Emmanuel was with me. He's great company and he knows all the correct procedures if the plane goes into a dive.

4th June

We set off today out into the countryside on our Nortons. Emmanuel has never ridden a motorbike before but he says that he's very adaptable so he'll pick it up in no time.

5th June

Spent most of today in a roadside garage. Eboue hasn't mastered the bike at all yet. He keeps getting on going full speed ahead, looks like he knows what he's doing and then it all goes wrong and the bike breaks down. It's very frustrating.

6th June

We set off again this morning and now we're lost. I checked our position on the map but somehow we've drifted out of that position. I knew I should've brought my sat nav. Or at least had William or Kolo here they'd be able to tell me where I should be.

7th June

Eboue is really getting on my nerves. Every time we come to a village the local people run out to see us. They all want to touch us as we drive by but Eboue barely gets brushed by one of them and he falls off his bike. And then he writhes around on the floor for ages clutching his head. I keep telling him to wear a helmet. He does seem to recover quickly though.

8th June

Drove into Buenos Aires again. Not sure how that happened. I seem to have come full circle, every time I feel things are going ok, I'm building up my confidence on the bike I stop for the night and then I have to start again. Potentially I reckon I can get across South America but I don't think this stop start approach is the way for me. I've told Emmanuel to go home, it's obvious he'll never get the hang of riding a bike.

The Glory Hunters: Latecomer

Previously on The Glory Hunters: Clive Chives, a Man Utd 'fan' since 1999 and Tarquin, nominally an Arsenal supporter but looking elsewhere due to a lack of trophies meet up every week at the Slug and Lettuce to discuss football.

Clive: Hmmm, where's Tarquin? He's usually here by now. Hope he turns up soon I'm looking like a Billy-no-chummers right now. Better get a drink. Erm...barmaid, service please.

Karina: Hello, what can I get you?

Clive: Oh, er...I don't know, Tarquin usually chooses. Erm...a Campari top please. No, wait. A Becks, that's what I meant. A Becks.

Karina: Ok. Anything else?

Clive: Well...have you got time for a chat? So, er you're from Poland then?

Karina: No. I am from Czech Republic.

Clive: Ah the old Czechoslovakia eh? Jolly good. So...er...do they play the old footy out there?

Karina: Yes. We have produced many great players, Pavel Nedved, Petr Cech, Karel Poborsky, Tomas Rosicky...

Clive: Well, yes. I'm sure if you keep at it soon they'll make it to the old Premship.

Karina: You aren't a football fan, no?

Clive: I'm a big fan of the old ball...game...foot...ball thing. I support Manchester United.

Karina: Ah I see.

Clive: What?

Karina: I have friend from Salford, she is also Man United fan. She say there are many what she call plastic fans who have never even been to Old Trafford.

Clive: Salford? Where's that? I've been to Old Trafford. I was in Manchester on business and I passed it on my way to the conference centre from the airport.

Karina: Yes. Oh look here comes your boyfriend.

Clive: My what? Oh Tarquin! No, he's not my boyfriend I'm totally straight. I have a wife and a poodle. Lord Paw-Paw. I have a photo somewhere.

Tarquin: Hello chummer, sorry I'm late.

Clive: Where have you been?

Tarquin: Well I was getting fed up not having a team to support so I thought I'd bite the bullet and choose Holland. So I went out and bought some orange ties. Then I thought I haven't really got any shirts to go with orange so I bought some new shirts too. And then I thought I better get a new suit as well. Then Holland go and blooming well lose so I've been round all the shops returning everything I bought.

Clive: Nightmare old chummer. I've just been chatting up the old Polish sort with the lovely bottom. No wait, Czechoslovakish, that's it.

Tarquin: How did it go?

Clive: Pretty good. I convinced her I wasn't gay and everything.

Tarquin: Top chummer! You're in there!

Clive: I think I am. Fancy a drink?

Tarquin: Campari top please.

The Glory Hunters: Favourite Players

Previously on The Glory Hunters: Clive Chives, a Man Utd 'fan' since 1999 and Tarquin, an Arsenal supporter who is looking elsewhere for glory meet every week in the Slug and Lettuce to sip beer and discuss football.
Clive: Hello Tarquin, what are you drinking this week?

Tarquin: I'll have a Hoegaarden please.

Clive: A what?

Tarquin: A Hoegaarden. I overheard a couple of my chummers at the golf club talking about it and thought I better give it a go so I can join in their chat next time.

Clive: Sound reasoning. Two Hoegaardens it is then.

Tarquin: So have you watched any footy ball this week?

Clive: Well I took Lord Paw-Paw, my poodle, out for a walk last week and he took a piddle by Dixons. So I caught a bit of the football on one of their display tellys. I couldn't believe my eyes, Ronaldo appears to have signed for Portugal.

Tarquin: So all the transfer rumours were true then?

Clive: There were transfer rumours?

Tarquin: You must be very upset.

Clive: I know, he was my favourite player. Now I'm going to have to learn another players name.

Tarquin: That is difficult for any footsy ball supporter like yourself. I had the same problem when Arsenal sold Thierra Onree.

Clive: What did you do about it?

Tarquin: I chose Sex Faberydab as my new favourite player.

Clive: Is he good then?

Tarquin: Oh yes. He's probably one of the best at footing the ball I've ever nearly seen on Match of the Day. I hope he signs for whoever I choose to support next.

Clive: Yes it is hard to support a team when your favourite player isn't part of the team. I nearly went to support Real Madrid after David Beckham left.

Tarquin: Ah David Beckham. If only he played for Arsenal. Then I'd never look for another team. Has Beckham been playing in that Europe 8 thingy?

Clive: I imagine so. I'm sure Spain or someone would have snapped him up for that tournament.

Tarquin: I imagine they would. This Hoegaarden is horrible! Do you think the Polish sort with the lovely bottom will put a bit of lemonade in it for me?

Clive: Any excuse to talk to the Polish sort eh? Top chummer! Can't say I blame you though, this Hoegaarden stuff is foul.