The Glory Hunters: Europe 8 Review

(First published on 606 in July 08)

This is the Evergreen Forest. Quiet, peaceful, serene. That is, until Bert Raccoon wakes up! No wait. Previously on The Glory Hunters: Clive Chives and Tarquin meet up on a weekly basis in the Slug and Lettuce to discuss football. Clive is a Man Utd 'fan' and Tarquin supported Arsenal but due to lack of success is looking for a new club. Clive is under the strange delusion that the Czech barmaid Karina fancies him. They have both just returned from their holidays.

Clive: Hello Tarquin my old chummer, how was the holiday?

Tarquin: Oh wonderful, I spent a week in Portugal. A lovely place, don't think they go in for the old ball of footy much though.

Clive: I can't think of any Portuguese players that's for sure. Spain, where I went, on the other hand has produced many great players. Ronaldo, Beckham...erm...that bloke from Fawlty Towers...

Karina: Hello, did I hear you went to Spain? The celebrations must have been incredible.

Clive: They were, I hit a hole in one on a par three dog-leg to the right. Sweetest shot of my life. I threw my nine iron so far in the air that I nearly killed a low flying seagull. Surprised you heard about it here though. I suppose I did phone all my chummers at the golf club to tell them about it. So, little lady, my polish lovely, do you like golf?

Karina: I am from Czech Republic. And no I don't like golf. I think it is a sport for men who cannot do sport. Do you want drinks?

Tarquin: Well I say! Clive and I are sportsmen of the highest order. Big football supporter-fans too. I support Ars...er...well...er...I'll have a bottle of Heineken please.

Clive: Heineken? What's that?

Tarquin: I had it on holiday I think it must be a Portuguese beer.

Clive: Make it two then. Still not found a club to support then?

Tarquin: No, after Holland dropped out of Europe 8 I've decided to take a bit more time before I choose my team. You can't be too careful.

Clive: You could always join me as a Man Utd fan.

Tarquin: But then how could we discuss whose team has the better players? Do you remember a couple of years back we had those brilliant chats over who was better Keade or Vieriarea?

Clive: Ah yes, those were the days my chummer. Those were the days.

Big Phil's Motorcycle Diaries

(First posted on 606 on 27/06/08)

Tired of being 3rd choice centre back at Arsenal Phillipe Senderos decides to take some time off to travel across South America on his trusty Norton. He is joined on his journey by Emmanuel Eboue. Here is an extract from his diary.

3rd June

I flew into Buenos Aires today. The flight was horrific. I hate flying. I'm a big chap but I'm really not that good in the air.Thank God Emmanuel was with me. He's great company and he knows all the correct procedures if the plane goes into a dive.

4th June

We set off today out into the countryside on our Nortons. Emmanuel has never ridden a motorbike before but he says that he's very adaptable so he'll pick it up in no time.

5th June

Spent most of today in a roadside garage. Eboue hasn't mastered the bike at all yet. He keeps getting on going full speed ahead, looks like he knows what he's doing and then it all goes wrong and the bike breaks down. It's very frustrating.

6th June

We set off again this morning and now we're lost. I checked our position on the map but somehow we've drifted out of that position. I knew I should've brought my sat nav. Or at least had William or Kolo here they'd be able to tell me where I should be.

7th June

Eboue is really getting on my nerves. Every time we come to a village the local people run out to see us. They all want to touch us as we drive by but Eboue barely gets brushed by one of them and he falls off his bike. And then he writhes around on the floor for ages clutching his head. I keep telling him to wear a helmet. He does seem to recover quickly though.

8th June

Drove into Buenos Aires again. Not sure how that happened. I seem to have come full circle, every time I feel things are going ok, I'm building up my confidence on the bike I stop for the night and then I have to start again. Potentially I reckon I can get across South America but I don't think this stop start approach is the way for me. I've told Emmanuel to go home, it's obvious he'll never get the hang of riding a bike.

The Glory Hunters: Latecomer

Previously on The Glory Hunters: Clive Chives, a Man Utd 'fan' since 1999 and Tarquin, nominally an Arsenal supporter but looking elsewhere due to a lack of trophies meet up every week at the Slug and Lettuce to discuss football.

Clive: Hmmm, where's Tarquin? He's usually here by now. Hope he turns up soon I'm looking like a Billy-no-chummers right now. Better get a drink. Erm...barmaid, service please.

Karina: Hello, what can I get you?

Clive: Oh, er...I don't know, Tarquin usually chooses. Erm...a Campari top please. No, wait. A Becks, that's what I meant. A Becks.

Karina: Ok. Anything else?

Clive: Well...have you got time for a chat? So, er you're from Poland then?

Karina: No. I am from Czech Republic.

Clive: Ah the old Czechoslovakia eh? Jolly good. So...er...do they play the old footy out there?

Karina: Yes. We have produced many great players, Pavel Nedved, Petr Cech, Karel Poborsky, Tomas Rosicky...

Clive: Well, yes. I'm sure if you keep at it soon they'll make it to the old Premship.

Karina: You aren't a football fan, no?

Clive: I'm a big fan of the old ball...game...foot...ball thing. I support Manchester United.

Karina: Ah I see.

Clive: What?

Karina: I have friend from Salford, she is also Man United fan. She say there are many what she call plastic fans who have never even been to Old Trafford.

Clive: Salford? Where's that? I've been to Old Trafford. I was in Manchester on business and I passed it on my way to the conference centre from the airport.

Karina: Yes. Oh look here comes your boyfriend.

Clive: My what? Oh Tarquin! No, he's not my boyfriend I'm totally straight. I have a wife and a poodle. Lord Paw-Paw. I have a photo somewhere.

Tarquin: Hello chummer, sorry I'm late.

Clive: Where have you been?

Tarquin: Well I was getting fed up not having a team to support so I thought I'd bite the bullet and choose Holland. So I went out and bought some orange ties. Then I thought I haven't really got any shirts to go with orange so I bought some new shirts too. And then I thought I better get a new suit as well. Then Holland go and blooming well lose so I've been round all the shops returning everything I bought.

Clive: Nightmare old chummer. I've just been chatting up the old Polish sort with the lovely bottom. No wait, Czechoslovakish, that's it.

Tarquin: How did it go?

Clive: Pretty good. I convinced her I wasn't gay and everything.

Tarquin: Top chummer! You're in there!

Clive: I think I am. Fancy a drink?

Tarquin: Campari top please.

The Glory Hunters: Favourite Players

Previously on The Glory Hunters: Clive Chives, a Man Utd 'fan' since 1999 and Tarquin, an Arsenal supporter who is looking elsewhere for glory meet every week in the Slug and Lettuce to sip beer and discuss football.
Clive: Hello Tarquin, what are you drinking this week?

Tarquin: I'll have a Hoegaarden please.

Clive: A what?

Tarquin: A Hoegaarden. I overheard a couple of my chummers at the golf club talking about it and thought I better give it a go so I can join in their chat next time.

Clive: Sound reasoning. Two Hoegaardens it is then.

Tarquin: So have you watched any footy ball this week?

Clive: Well I took Lord Paw-Paw, my poodle, out for a walk last week and he took a piddle by Dixons. So I caught a bit of the football on one of their display tellys. I couldn't believe my eyes, Ronaldo appears to have signed for Portugal.

Tarquin: So all the transfer rumours were true then?

Clive: There were transfer rumours?

Tarquin: You must be very upset.

Clive: I know, he was my favourite player. Now I'm going to have to learn another players name.

Tarquin: That is difficult for any footsy ball supporter like yourself. I had the same problem when Arsenal sold Thierra Onree.

Clive: What did you do about it?

Tarquin: I chose Sex Faberydab as my new favourite player.

Clive: Is he good then?

Tarquin: Oh yes. He's probably one of the best at footing the ball I've ever nearly seen on Match of the Day. I hope he signs for whoever I choose to support next.

Clive: Yes it is hard to support a team when your favourite player isn't part of the team. I nearly went to support Real Madrid after David Beckham left.

Tarquin: Ah David Beckham. If only he played for Arsenal. Then I'd never look for another team. Has Beckham been playing in that Europe 8 thingy?

Clive: I imagine so. I'm sure Spain or someone would have snapped him up for that tournament.

Tarquin: I imagine they would. This Hoegaarden is horrible! Do you think the Polish sort with the lovely bottom will put a bit of lemonade in it for me?

Clive: Any excuse to talk to the Polish sort eh? Top chummer! Can't say I blame you though, this Hoegaarden stuff is foul.

My All Time Man Utd XI

GK: Massimo Taibi - You know you're a bad goalie when you make a nazi-saluting, coke addled Australian look good.

LB: Lee Martin - To score the winning goal in an FA Cup final and still sink into obscurity just smacks of carelessness to me.

RB: Clayton Blackmore - If he was as good as his name he'd've been rubbish. But he couldn't even reach those lowly heights.

CB: David May - But he probably wont.

CB: William Prunier - Managed two whole games for the club. One of them a 4-1 defeat to Spurs. Says it all really.

LM: Jordi Cruyff - Living up to his father was always going to be difficult so Jordi instantly removed the Cruyff from his shirt. He fooled no one. Least of the defenders he was up against.

RM: Karel Poborsky - Scored a cracking goal in the European Championships, but if John Jensen has taught us anything it's that one Euro goal does not a good player make.

CM: Kleberson - Rumour has it Fergie was after another player with the same name. If I was about to spend £6m I'd check the guy could kick a ball first.

CM: Eric Djemba-Djemba - If you've got the same name twice people are going to pay attention to you. Try and make sure you can play football then.

CF: David Bellion - He was poor at Sunderland. Why would that make him good at Man Utd?

CF: Diego Forlan - No matter how many times he scored against Liverpool he was still cack.

Big Phil's Chip Shop

(First posted on 606 on 12 June 08)

Tired of being the third choice centre back at Arsenal Swiss polylinguist Phillipe Senderos decides instead to turn to his first love: frying battered fish. Aided by his loyal sidekick Johann Djourou they get ready to open the shop to the public.

Phillipe: Johann! Why are you standing there? You'll never be able to serve the customers standing so close to the chip fryer. Your positionings all wrong.

Johann: But I'm quite nippy Phil. I'll be able to make up the ground trust me. How's the fish coming along?

Phillipe: Fantastic! At first I was a bit nervous but now I've battered a few cods I'm starting to feel more confident.

Johann: Oh that reminds me Kolo said he'd pop in a bit later. He said he's been battering fish for years and he'll be happy to help.

Phillipe: That'd be great. I just hope I don't lose my knack for it without the constant practice. Do you think we should've got more mushy peas?

Johann: I think we'll be fine. Anyway we're both young and only just starting out in the chip shop trade. I'm sure people will forgive us a few mistakes.

Phillipe: That's true. But I've heard this is a big chip-loving area. They're used to quality fish and chips. I just hope they're patient enough to let us develop and grow or we'll be plying our trade in Wigan or Birmingham in no time.

Johann: Birmingham? God no. I spent six months frying fish down there last year and didn't learn a thing. The way they fry fish in the sticks just doesn't cut it here in the big city.

Phillipe: Fret ye not Johann we'll be fine. Ooh no! I just dropped a haddock! Oh god it's all going wrong, we'll never be top quality chip shop owners! Woe is me!

Johann: It's just one haddock Phil, surely it's not the end of the world? Oh look here comes Kolo and William's with him. They'll sort us out.

Phillipe: Hooray! They're always there when I need them.

The Glory Hunters: Euro 2008

(First published on 606 on 10 June 2008)

Previously on The Glory Hunters: Clive Chives and Tarquin met in the Slug and Lettuce as they do every week to discuss football over a cool beer. Clive is a Man Utd 'fan' and Tarquin supports Arsenal, though he's thinking of changing.

Clive: Hello Tarquin my old chummer. What'll it be today?

Tarquin: Well call me crazy but I saw an advert for a beer called Kaliber on my way here and it looked simply scrummy. I think I'll have one of those. Better make it a Kaliber shandy though, I don't want to get tipsy.

Clive: Good choice chummer. The bottle's on the bottom shelf of the fridge too so we'll get to ogle that Polish sort behind the bar's lovely bottom.

Tarquin: Marvellous! So have you been keeping up with the old footy tournament. Europe 8 I think it's called.

Clive: Well I was going to but I had a look at the fixture list and couldn't see Man United anywhere so I haven't really paid attention.

Tarquin: Yes that is strange. Maybe they don't have to play in Europe 8 because they already won the Champions Cup.

Clive: Yes that must be it. This must be some kind of runner up type competition.

Tarquin: Well I'm going to keep an eye on it, maybe I'll find a new team to support. I liked the look of Holland last night. I wonder what league they're in?

Clive: I wouldn't know I'm afraid. What colour were their shirts?

Tarquin: Bright orange.

Clive: Wouldn't that put you off supporting them?

Tarquin: Yes you're right. I'm really looking for a team that wears red or blue. Most of my ties are in those colours and I'd hate to have go out and buy a whole load of bright orange ones to prove to my chummers at the golf club that I was a Hollander through and through.

Clive: Very true. Got to keep up appearances at the golf club. Another Kaliber shandy?

Tarquin: No, no it's going straight to my head. Good job I'm not driving tonight my old chummer.

Rio Ferdinand's New Book

(First posted on 606 prior to Euro 2008)

The following is an excerpt from Rio Ferdinand's forthcoming contractually obliged new autobiography, released to coincide with Euro 2008.

"It got to the summer and despite my success in the Champions League I was still left with a hollow feeling as if something was missing in my life. I knew I should be doing something but I just seemed to have more time on my hands than usual. I can't think why. It's probably really obvious, I'm just a big ol' dufus.

Rather than kicking my heels I decided to play a few of my trademark hilarious practical jokes. Like the other day I went round to Cristiano Ronaldo's house and put a flaming bag of dog poo on his doorstep and then rang the doorbell. Then as I was running off to hide G-Nev called me and asked if I wanted to go round his to watch the football. I completely forgot about the flaming poo until I the match kicked off - it was Portugal vs Turkey. Ronaldo wasn't home he was at the Euro's. No wonder I saw so many fire engines whizzing passed me as I went round G-Nev's house. God, I'm such a dufus.

While I was round G-Nev's his brother P-Nev and his dad Nev-Nev came over. I thought 'here's a chance for some practical joking shenanigans' so I put cling film over the toilet bowl. Then like the dufus I am I forgot about it. A few funny fags later and I went back into the bathroom to take a dump.

I really am a dufus-ma-lufus."

The Glory Hunters: Transfer Rumours

(First published on 606 on 03 June 08)

Previously on The Glory Hunters: Clive Chives and Tarquin meet up every week at the Slug and Lettuce to talk about football. Tarquin is still undecided on who he should change allegiance to after Arsenal went another season without winning and Clive is smugly superior about his choice of Man Utd.

Clive: Hello Tarquin my old chummer. Bottle of Becks?

Tarquin: Actually I'll have a Corona.

Clive: A what?

Tarquin: A girl in my office told me about them, you get a wedge of lime with it so it helps take away that horrible beery taste.

Clive: Sounds good, I think I'll join you. Hopefully that Polish sort with the nice bottom will serve us.

Tarquin: Too right chummer. Bit quiet on the old footy front this week.

Clive: Indeed. I did see on the back of someone's Metro that you're after some French chap. Sammy something or other.

Tarquin: Sammy Nasro. Oh yes, he's a top footy player. Great at, you know, the old kicking the footy. I'm not sure he'll convince me to carry on with Arsenal though.

Clive: No, he's not exactly a star name is he, old Samuel Nashry.

Tarquin: Exactly, it's about time Wenger spent big, splashed the cash. I say get old David Beckham from Real Madrid. £30 million ought to do it.

Clive: Oh yes, Becks'd be a good signing. I remember watching him on Match Of The Day, pace, kicking, other football things, he has it all.

Tarquin: So what about your boys then? Any transfer news? I overheard two lads in the canteen saying you might lose Evra if he doesn't sign a new contract.

Clive: Who?

Tarquin: Evra is it? Evans? Ebra?

Clive: Do you mean Ronaldo?

Tarquin: Yes that must be it. This Corona's pretty good isn't it? Nice and limey.

Clive: Not as nice as that Polish sort's bottom though eh?

Tarquin: Phwoar you're not wrong me old chummer. You're not wrong.

Ray's Beauty Parlour

Since his retirement Ray Parlour has just been kicking his heels and doing a little punditry on the side, however he is finally getting the oppurtunity to live his dreams and open a beauty parlour. Here is an extract from his diary as he tries to get his new business underway.

5th April 08

Tomorrow's the big day, the Grand Opening. Nothing can spoil it. Except maybe the fact that Jade Goody is opening her own beauty parlour across the street. She thinks she can compete with me, the Romford Pele? Not a chance, they don't compare me to him 'cos I'm totally impotent, oh no, it's 'cos at Ray's you get a fantastic Brazilian.

6th April 08

What a day! I had my first customer, she was a right dog. Long, straight hair half way down her back. I said I've got the name of a fantastic hairdresser if you want. He'll give you beautiful golden locks like mine. She said she just wanted a manicure.

I closed up for an hour at lunch and when I came back someone had chucked a brick through the window. I bet it was that Jade Goody. I'll get her good.

7th April 08

A busy day, the word is getting round that Ray's is the premier beauty parlour in town. But then Jade's little salon did explode mysteriously in the night.

No one messes with the Romford Pele!

The Glory Hunters: Season Summary

(First posted on 606 on 27 May 2008)

Tarquin and Clive are glory hunters, Tarquin started watching football in 2004 and supported Arsenal, however after 3 fruitless years he is looking elsewhere for a team.

Clive is a Manchester United fan and has supported them through thick and, well not thin so much he sort of stopped watching for a few years, but now they're back to their winning ways Clive is 'mad for it' again.

They both live in London and meet up every week in the Slug and Lettuce and discuss football over a bottle of Becks.

Tarquin: Hello Clive, a good end to the season for you my old chummer. Did you watch the final?

Clive: Oh yes, what a game that was! I watched almost the entire highlight show.

Tarquin: I was so envious. It's becoming clear to me that Arsenal just can't compete with you big boys. I mean I watched nearly three whole Match of the Days this season and not once did we beat anyone I'd heard of. In fact we weren't even playing anyone I'd heard of. Derby? Reading? West Ham Rovers? What division are we in now? Where were the Juventus's and Real Madrid's that we used to play?

Clive: It must of been hard for you. Did you get go to any matches?

Tarquin: No, no, not until we start winning again. It's just too much of an effort. I hear there's been some spare seats and Chelsea this year, maybe I should pop along there next season. What about you, did you go at all?

Clive: Well a chummer of mine at the golf club is a season ticket holder at the Theatre of Dreams. He couldn't make it to a game because his daughter was getting married so he offered me a ticket.

Tarquin: Amazing! How was the game?

Clive: Oh well I couldn't make it, the wife had a pedicure that day and someone had to look after our little poodle, Lord Pawpaw. But I don't think it was a proper game, just some sort of benefit thing for a plane crash 50 years ago or something.

Tarquin: Probably for the best that you missed it then. What was the score?

Tarquin: Definitely best you missed it then.

Clive: Oh yes indeed my old chummeroonie. Another Becks?

Tarquin: Better make it a non-alchoholic one, I've got to get the train and I don't want to be caught short and have to use the horrible toilets they have on them.

Footballing Heroes: Gus Caesar

Augustus "Gus" Caesar was born in Tottenham in 1966, proving that nothing good ever comes out of Tottenham, and that 1966 wasn't such a good year for English football after all.

Caesar could play both at full back or in central defence, although 'play' is somewhat of an overstatement.

Little is known of young Augustus's youth other than the fact that until the age of 12 he was convinced he was the reincarnation of his Roman Emperor namesake. He was taken by his worried parents to various medical professionals, quacks and charlatans but none of them could shake young Gus's convinction that he was the living embodiment of such an important historical figure.

One day in the late seventies however a mystical shaman came to Tottenham and spotted Caesar organising the village nerds into a precise re-enactment of the original Augustus's successful campaigns in Northern Hispania. The shaman walked up to Gus and whispered something in his ear. Gus Caesar rubbed his eyes and walked off to play football with the cool kids.

He was soon snapped up by Arsenal - who really should've known better - where, despite training under George Graham and alongside Tony Adams and Martin Keown, Caesar never mastered the art of defence. Or in fact any of the basic skills that could've convinced anyone that he was going to become a professional footballer.

Nowadays Gus Caesar can be found back in his native Tottenham with the Roman Re-enactment Society, mumbling under is breath 'Rome is cool, football is for weirdos. Rome is cool, football is for weirdos.' If questioned about his infamous miskick in 1988 he will turn and scream at the questioner "I'M NOT A WEIRDO!" Before going back to his mumbled mantra and painting the die-cast legionaries he prides over any medals he could of won playing football.

John Jensen's Goal

As far as career defining moments this one has to be the most bittersweet.

For a player who scored the opening goal in a European Championships final to be remembered almost exclusively for a single goal in a 3-1 defeat to QPR must be a little deflating to say the least.

At the time, however, it was a joyous occasion for both player and fans alike. My part in this small but momentous occasion was miniscule but it has left an idelible mark on the scrapbook of my memory. I was sat in the stands level with the penalty box where Jensen received the ball. Highbury must have been all-seater by then otherwise I would have been wedged in at the front of the Junior Gunners terrace. Like everyone else wearing red in that stadium I was willing for this to be the moment. For this to be John Jensen's goal.

In front of me sat two rather benign, middle-aged QPR fans living in blissful ignorance of the fact that they were receiving the glowering of a lifetime from the angry little teenager behind them. My fury was only abated when I noticed them laughing happily after I'd screamed "shoooot!" at John Jensen while he was clearing our lines from a corner. Then as now nothing placates me like someone laughing at my jokes.

It was pure chance that I happened to be at that game, I was not able to attend Highbury for every game, though I went to as many as I could. Saturdays at the time were spent playing little league football in the morning, training with my Sunday league team in the evening, then playing the next morning, before going home to experiment with masturbation on a Sunday afternoon. It was tradition however that my dad, my brother and I would attend at least one of the games around the Christmas period. It just so happened that John Jensen chose that game to break his duck.

It was a fantastic goal by any standards. And Highbury burst into song in a way I've never heard before or since. So often we have the accusation of our ground being a 'library' levelled at us, well that day we stood up and ripped down the 'silence please' signs.

The result was unimportant, never has a crowd been so jubilant after a loss, but the thing that defines the moment for me was John Jensen's reaction, there was no thought of savouring the moment for himself, no pointing to the name on his back or pretence at badge kissing, he just ran straight to the crowd this was for us as much as him and Jensen knew it. And what more can a fan ask for than when a millstone is removed from a players neck the first people he thinks of is the fans who stuck by him while he endevoured to remove it?

Maybe the professional game today could do with a few more Johnny Jensens. Though not too many, 0-0 draws would get tiresome after a while.

My All-Time Spurs XI

GK: Bobby Mimms

Although generally second choice at White Hart Lane, Bobby was the kind of keeper who always got his hands to the ball. Generally when picking it out of the back of the net.

RB: Dean Austin

Voted in the top 50 worst Premiership players, the Austinator as he was known to no one lost his place to Stephen Carr. Frankly he could've lost his place to Alan Carr and it would've been an improvement.

LB: Ben Thatcher

When he wasn't playing well Thatcher resorted to violence. That was pretty much every match.

CB: Ramon Vega

Alan Sugar was always wary of signing any old Carlos Kickaball. He should've been more wary of Ramon 'Kickaballintomyowngoal' Vega. Vega has recently set up his own soccer school. Bet that's popular.

CB: Gary Doherty

Equally cack in defence as attack, Gary was instrumental in keeping Spurs mediocre all through his time at the club.

RM: Andy Sinton

Signed as part of Gerry Francis' campaign to bring every winger in the world to Tottenham, Sinton was picked by Graham Taylor to play for England. But then so was Carlton Palmer.

LM: Andy Reid

The only player to play for Tottenham that was fatter than Gazza.

CM: Steffen Freund

You thought John Jensen's goal scoring record was bad. Steffen's was worse.

CM: Paul Stewart

Here for his hair more than anything else. If it looks like Tom Jones's merkin shave it off, Paul.

CF: Chris Armstrong

Fighting off strong competition from the likes of Rebrov and Iversen, Armstrong makes it into this team due to his complete inability to step up to top level football. And his penchant for weed.

CF: Ronny Rosenthal

Son of Jim, Ronny showed an uncanny ability to miss from anywhere. Even 4 yards out. Regularly.

Footballing Heroes: Richard Wright

Richard Wright was born in Ipswich in 1977 and signed for Arsenal in 2001 after a successful period at Ipswich Town.

Touted as the next David Seaman, Wright had to deal with a huge weight of expectation on his shoulders. It crushed him.

Little is known of Richard Wright's youth, other than the fact that he was the seventh son of a seventh son. This led many people to believe young Richard would grow up to have strong magical powers.

Living in Ipswich this superstition was treated as scientific fact and farmers would often bring their sick animals round for the baby Wright to heal. After five years if finally dawned on the farmers of Ipswich that none of their livestock had recovered after being touched by little Richard, apart from Mr Muggins' cow, but that had only had a little cough anyway and had probably cleared up naturally. They denounced the entire Wright family as black magicians and went back to using the local vet.

Richard, who was blissfully unaware of the stigma he had brought upon his family would often try to join in the football games the kids played at the local park. They would never let him participate. However, one day a child told him "Richard, we don't like you, you can't play. If you were tall at least we could stick you in goal, but we can't 'cos your a midget." That night the diminutive Richard miraculously grew two foot.

News of this 6ft seven-year-old soon reached Ipswich Town FC's scouts and they snapped him up immediately, figuring they could teach him how to play in goal. Despite his lack of ability the manager felt powerless to stop himself picking Wright for every game. No one could explain why. Even more mysteriously Wright then signed for Arsenal, Wright denies any use of witchcraft in engineering this move.

However, Richard Wright's seemingly magical powers of goalkeeping seemed to desert him at Arsenal, maybe it was the turn of the millenium or maybe David Seaman was a more powerful white witch, but whatever the reason Wright's abilities dwindled. The most likely scenario is that he was just plain rubbish.

Nowadays Richard Wright can be often found standing over a bubbling cauldron trying to get the exact ingredients to bring back his magical prowess. Little does he know that all he needs to add is the Premiership winners medal that he actually genuinely has and the spell will be complete.

Peter Crouch's New Book

The following is an excerpt from Peter Crouch's forthcoming autobiography 'Tall Tales'.

As an integral part of the England team no one felt worse after our defeat to Croatia than me. Especially as Steve McLaren got so much stick for it. The whole umbrella thing was my fault, being so much taller than the rest of the squad I was the first to feel the raindrops. "Better put your brolly up, boss" I said. I was only having a laugh.

When we went out I thought I better concentrate on my Liverpool career. Unfortunately Rafa the gaffer doesn't like me. Partly because I call him Rafa the Gaffer rather than Mr. Benitez like the other lads. Also he hasn't spoken to me since I did my robot dance, apparently he had a nephew who lost an eye to a rogue robot. I was only having a laugh.

So it looks like I'll be plying my trade elsewhere next year. Again I think I have to take the blame for that too. I spoke to Mr Parry and he said "I think you're worth twice your height in millions Peter." So I said "Blimey, I'd take half that, I'm all gangly awkwardness and no end product." I mean, come on, I was only having a laugh.

Footballing Heroes: Eddie McGoldrick

Howling, prowling, roaring, scoring, steady Eddie McGoldrick signed for Arsenal in 1993 after a successful spell at Crystal Palace.

At Palace he became a crowd favourite for his sterling work on the wing. At Arsenal he didn't.

Little is known of McGoldrick's early life other than the fact that he was born in Islington in 1965. He spent much of his childhood in foster care before he was adopted at the age of 7 by a very caring London couple.

At the time of his adoption little Eddie had only the clothes on his back and a strange amulet that that had been left in his cot when he had been abandoned on the steps of the foster home. Despite his now settled home life and the huge amount of love bestowed on him by his adopted parents McGoldrick always felt something was lacking in his life.

To try and combat this Eddie took to playing football, and despite his obvious mediocrity he persevered with the game eventually being snapped up by Northampton before moving to Palace. While at Palace he won the Zenith Data Systems Cup. As he was given his winners medal he was suprised to notice that the shape of it exactly matched his childhood amulet. He looked into the eyes of the man presenting him with the medal. The likeness was uncanny, Eddie had found his long lost twin brother.

His twin brother told him how he had orchestrated McGoldrick's entire career. Which explained why he had managed to get a professional contract despite his lack of talent. As a final act of kindness his brother said he'd get him a transfer to any club he liked. McGoldrick chose Arsenal.

£2000 in George Graham's back pocket later and Eddie McGoldrick arrived. His brother however fled the country under mysterious circumstances.

Eddie McGoldrick now wanders the Earth looking for his brother again, cradling his Zenith Data Systems Medal alongside his precious amulet and the Cup Winners Cup medal that he also actually, genuinely has.

Gary Neville's How To Play Football

The Art Of Defence:

A good defender is like a good moustache, it has to be strong and bold. A lacklustre moustache leaves the upper lip unguarded and a poor defender does the same to his goalkeeper. A striker is like puff pastry and no self respecting moustache lets pastry past without a fight.

Tactics:

Choosing your tactics is essential. In fact it's a lot like choosing the style of your moustache. Some people will go for a moustache for all occasions, others with the use of wax or clever trimming will adapt their moustache to suit the situation. For example a handlebar when going to job interviews and a Salvador Dali-esque tash when meeting a lady.

Positioning:

As a fullback a good sense of positioning is essential. I tend to think of it in terms of a moustache. Sometimes you need a moustache that spreads out across the width of your face other times you need to trim it so it barely juts out past your nostrils.

Marking:

There are two types of marking - zonal and man marking. I find with either one I get exposed if I'm up against someone with pace. However, to combat this I compare the two styles to my moustache. Man marking is like the middle of my tash, it clings to my upper lip and goes where my lip goes. Sometimes it tickles me but I just cant shake it off. Zonal is more like the edges of my moustache; looser, freer. They have the oppurtunity to move around but sometimes I find they are out of position. So which one do I prefer? I find a combination of zonal and man marking makes for a perfect moustache.

Footballing Heroes: Pascal Cygan

Pascal Cygan was born in Lens in France in 1974 and signed for Arsenal in 2002. He came with high expectations having been voted the best defender in the French league the season before. These hopes were soon dashed.

Arsenal have a long history of fine centre backs. Pascal Cygan however is not part of it. Little is known of Cygan's early life other than he was the son of a fashion photographer. This meant that young Pascal spent much of his youth being dragged to fashion shows where he was fussed over by models and designers. His father would often allow him to be dressed in flamboyant clothes and have his long flowing locks tended to by the many equally flamboyant stylists. However, one day tragedy struck when in a terrible accident with hair straighteners and excessive bleach caused Pascal to lose all his hair.

Subsequently he was shunned by the fashion world and forced to go and play with the rough kids on the tough streets of Lens. At first they didn't want to accept this snappily dressed dandy into their games of football but slowly Cygan integrated himself by saying he was happy to play in defence. Being the first child in the history of the world who wasn't just forced to play there because he wasn't much good.

His rise throught the youth system was meteoric and he was soon playing professional football, however he would often suffer massive losses in concentration when his mind would wander to thoughts of what Sarah Jessica Parker was wearing in the previous episode of Sex and the City.

Since leaving Arsenal he moved to Villareal who thought they could stop his flights of girlish fantasy. They were wrong.

Nowadays Pascal Cygan can most often be found sitting at home trying to design an outfit that will go with the premiership medal that he actually genuinely has. He has some good ideas, if only he could find a wig that would match the sequins.

Footballing Heroes: Francis 'Franny' Jeffers

Francis Jeffers signed for Arsenal in 2001 for £8m proving conclusively that sometimes Arsene doesn't know. The original 'fox in the box' Jeffers was signed because Henry wasn't a natural goalscorer. It turns out foxes aren't either.

Before signing for Arsenal he was the bright young hope at Everton. Although those were the days when hope and Everton were oxymorons.

Little is known of Jeffers upbringing in Liverpool other than the fact that he was found living in a quarry by a young child called Barney. The two embarked on many crazy adventures including despite Jeffers' inability to communicate in anything other than grunts and whistles.

His development was stunted because no one would believe Barney that the elusive young Francis was real and not just a figment of Barney's over-active imagination. Then one day one of Barney's friends kicked a football into the old quarry. Jeffers booted it straight back out again, missing the goal by inches.

This ability with a football earned him his first contract with Everton. He earned his nickname when after missing a goal his youth coach shouted "you complete Franny" at him. Though it's possible he misheard.

Since leaving Arsenal Jeffers has plied his trade at a variety of clubs, occasionally scoring goals along the way. He can most often be found nowadays back at his quarry drawing cave paintings on the wall recreating the goal scoring debut he made for England to obtain his one and only England cap that he actually, genuinely has.

John Terry's New Book

The following is a excerpt from John Terry's forthcoming autobiography which he is contractually obliged to write whenever there is a summer tournament.

"It broke my heart when Croatia ended our chances of going to Euro 2008. To captain your country is a great honour and to captain it at a major tournament would be enough to make a grown man cry. Not that I've ever cried. I'm a real man. I did get a bit sad when I watched Ghost though. Does that make me, y'know, a bit fruity?

I was so mad when Croatia scored the third goal, I just wanted to punch someone at that point. Fortunately there were no bouncers around so I escaped an assault charge there. I couldn't stay mad at the lads though, I love those guys. In a rugged, manly way of course. You have to be a real man to play football. Although I did once hug Ashley Cole after I scored and he touched my bottom. Does that make me, y'know, a bit fruity?

This year I guess I'll have to book a holiday abroad when the tournaments on. Somewhere outside of Europe, like the Ukraine. I went there once to visit Andrei Shevchenko's family. I had to sleep in a room with his three brothers. It was really cold so we all ended up sharing the same bed. Does that make me, y'know, a bit fruity?

Sometimes I wish I was from another country so that I could go to Euro 2008. If I was German I would always be at the big tournaments. But if I was German I'd have to wear those funny little leather shorts wouldn't I? Would that make me, y'know, a bit fruity?

I couldn't be anything other than English though. If you cut me you'd see three lions in my blood. There's nothing more English than lions. Sometimes when I'm at home I pretend to be a lion. I roar and prowl and eat raw meat. I even have a little cuddly lion that I go to sleep holding. Oh I shouldn't have said that, I don't want people to think that I might be, y'know, a bit fruity."

Footballing Heroes: Chris Kiwomya

Chris Kiwomya signed for Arsenal in 1995 making him one of George Graham's last signings for the club. This puts him in an illustrious list including John Hartson and Glenn Helder.

He had previously played for Ipswich where he had scored at a rate of about one goal every four games. This mediocre record belied his actual ability. He was much worse than it suggests.

Little is known of Kiwomya's upbringing other than that he was born in Yorkshire in 1969. The son of two hippies his real name is Woodstock Enlightenment Freelove Earth-Mother Kiwomya. However, he successfully divorced his parents at the age of 4 and legally changed it to Chris.

He then moved to his strict Grandmother's house in Ipswich, where he was forced to wear lederhosen at all times except when he was playing sports. Despite no natural talent and no real burning desire for the game, Chris spent much of his youth playing football to avoid his Grandmother's penchant for traditional German dress. He did however develop a startling addiction to bratwurst.

He was snapped up at a young age by Ipswich Town, who didn't have a scouting network but instead relied on straw-chewing farmers saying "Ooh arr, he looks a bit good this lad."

After leaving Arsenal in 1998, inexplicably unable to displace Ian Wright and Dennis Bergkamp in the first team despite scoring three whole goals for the club, Kiwomya played in France and Malaysia before returning to England for QPR. His uncanny knack for not scoring many goals remaining constant throughout his career.

Chris Kiwomya has since become a recluse, however legend has it that if you leave a German sausage on your doorstep at night you may just catch a glimpse of him as he gobbles it down in one go before heading off back to his hovel in the mountains.

Rooney's New Book

(This was first posted in April 2008)

The following is an excerpt from Wayne Rooney's forthcoming autobiography that he is contractually obliged to release whenever there is a summer tournament.

"We were there, all we had to do was hold on for the draw. I think in our hearts we all knew we hadn't played well but it was the result that mattered.

Then up popped Petric in the 77th minute and broke all our hearts. The lads were devastated. David Beckham was so upset he went straight out after the game and bought himself a Bentley. Bentley was so upset that he went out and bought Peckham. He doesn't earn as much as David see so he couldn't afford anything flash.

Me, I was angry. Angry at myself, if only I'd scored more goals, angry at Carson for making that blunder and angry at the team for not being as good as Man Utd and therefore not hiding my deficiencies as much. I was so angry I wanted to stomp some balls.

And where the hell is Croatia anyway? I mean, I know it's in Europe because the game was for the European Championships but what part is it in? France? Russia? And why do there names all end in 'ic'? Modric, Petric, Pranjic, Bilic all ic. I've just asked Coleen and she said "I'll give you the itch if you don't leave me alone while I'm writing." She's writing another autobiography too, it's called Coleen 2: This Time It's Personal Shopping. She's always so busy now it just makes me mad. So mad that I want to stomp some balls.

So this summer I'll have to find something else to do. Last year Ronaldo took me to Portugal to meet his family. I love Ronaldo. I hate him. I love him.

He took me to a farm where we had to try and hit a cow's backside with a banjo. I managed it four out of ten times but Ronaldo never seemed to miss so no one noticed how many mistakes I made. God I love him. But I hate him. He makes me so confused I want to stomp his balls."

Footballing Heroes: Igors Stepanovs (Previously Banned By The BBC)

Igors Stepanovs made his Arsenal debut in 2000 against Ipswich. A tall, commanding centre back was probably playing next to Stepanovs.

When he arrived at the club he was billed as the next Tony Adams. Presumably this comparison was made without seeing either Adams or Stepanovs play. Stepanovs appeared 17 times in an Arsenal shirt including the infamous 6-1 defeat to Manchester United. Not that any of the Man U players noticed he was there.

Little is known of Stepanovs' early life other than the fact that he was born in a town called Ogre in Latvia. Rumours that his mother was in fact an Ogre are unfounded. She was a troll. Nothing is known of his father although Stepanovs maintains that he was not called Billy, nor was he gruff and he certainly wasn't a goat. However, he concedes that his father probably did pay his toll to cross his mother's bridge in sexual favours.

Young Igors quickly took to the game of football, instantly making himself an outcast in ice hockey mad Latvia. His love of the game never faltered and he soon found himself the fourth best player for FC Skonto. This was no mean feat as at the time FC Skonto had a chicken, an ox and a totem pole on their books.

After leaving Arsenal the half-man half-troll hybrid defender went on to play for various lesser clubs across Europe. Stepanovs can now be found sharpening his teeth underneath bridges only letting people across if they can guess how many international caps he has. No one ever guesses 92 which is actually, genuinely how many he has. Thus Stepanovs never goes hungry.

Footballing Heroes: Nelson Vivas

Feisty Argentinian Nelson Vivas made his debut for Arsenal in 1998. His tenacious tackling, aggressive style and technical ability all conspired to make him a permanent fixture on the sub's bench.
He was a versatile defender who was equally shambolic on either side of the pitch. He provided such a strong back up to Lee Dixon and Nigel Winterburn that Wenger almost immediately signed Oleg Luzhny and Sylvinho to ensure he barely ever played for Arsenal.

Very little is known about Vivas's early life aside from the fact that he was born in Granadero Baigorria in Argentina. An unusually large child his parents made a living by putting him in a box and charging tourists to see him. He was known as the world's largest boy, however as he got older the lack of oxygen in his box stunted his growth and he only grew to 5 ft 5 in.

His parents then changed their pitch and advertised him as the worlds smallest defender. Despite never having played football they dressed young Nelson in an Argentina kit that they had exchanged with Diego Maradona for 8 grams of blow.

His parents' canny knack for a deal meant that in 1991 they sold him to Argentinian club Quilmes for three magic beans. Originally a mascot an injury crisis forced the marauding midget into the team. His lack of talent proved no hindrance to his career, even after his ineffective performances for Arsenal he went on to play for Inter Milan.

Now back in his native Argentina Nelson Vivas juggles his time between parading his now ancient and withering parents around his home town dressed in a variety of degrading and humiliating outfits and showing off the 39 international caps that he honestly actually has.

How to be a Co-Commentator

The role of co-commentator is a crucial one, without these ex-pro's valuable insights us layman would never be able to understand what was going on. But what if you fancied making a career of it? You could do a lot worse than learn your trade from the masters. Here are a few handy hints from the best co-commentators to help you on your way.

David Pleat: "Getting the players names right is key, if I were to mispronounce names it would ruin my credibility entirely."

Andy Gray: "Don't fall into the trap of thinking your opinion is more important than the main commentators, there's no room for egos in the commentary box."

Mark Bright: "Always ensure that you're interesting and well-informed the viewers will just switch off if you repeat the same old clichés each game."

Mark Lawrenson: "It's important to remember that the game is far more important than making bad jokes."

Ron Atkinson: "Always be aware of what's happening around you just because one TV station has stopped broadcasting your commentary doesn't mean they all have."

So there you have it, good luck in your co-commentating career.

More Football Sitcoms

Fish Out Of Water: South African Mark Fish plays an ex-swimmer who has developed a fear of water he has also just got a job in the lake district. The aquatic surrounds combined with the culture shock lead to hilarious consequences.

Keeping Up With The Joneses: Vinny Jones and Kenwyne Jones play rival sprinters. Kenwyne moves in next door to Vinnie and they compete to make sure they are always one step ahead of their rival with hilarious consequences.

Maccarone and Cheese: Massimo Maccarone plays a pasta chef who is in love with Belinda Cheese who works on the cheese counter in Tesco. His bumbling attempts to woo her lead to hilarious consequences.

George Bernard Shaw: Charlie George, Oliver Bernard and Richard Shaw are struggling actors who decide to produce the complete works of George Bernard Shaw however they can never decide who should play the female parts with hilarious consequences.

Hilario's Consequences: Chelsea reserve keeper invents a time machine and after going back in time he accidently alters his present. Each episode we see him trying to right what has gone wrong with hilarious consequences.

The Family Jewells: Paul Jewell plays the father of 4 who is set a quest in his grandfathers will to find the lost family jewels. Each episode is packed with smutty innuendos and of course hilarious consequences.

The Adams Family: Tony Adams and Mickey Adams are brothers whose sister has passed away they are left to bring up her 7 children with hilarious consequences.

Robinson's Squash: Paul Robinson is a professional squash player unfortunately the wages are very low so he has to share a studio flat with 20 illegal immigrants with hilarious consequences.

Brown Trousers: Wes Brown is a cowardly tailor who is struggling to make ends meet during WWII as the only colour material he can get is brown. Also every time the air raid siren goes he soils himself with hilarious consequences.

Foster Home: Ben Foster runs a foster home. His inability to control the children leads to hilarious consequences.

The Littlest Yobo: Joseph Yobo is the youngest brother in his family, he is also the shortest and least well endowed. His attempts to overcome his deficiencies lead to hilarious consequences.

Hell or Bywater: Stephen Bywater plays a man who dies and goes to purgatory he has to prove to God that he should not be sent to hell, with hilarious consequences.Walcott The Wildside: Theo Walcott gets trapped in the jungle and has to befriend wild animals in order to get back to civilisation with hilarious consequences.

Cort in the Act: Carl Cort is a notorious peeping tom. His dirty antics and his attempts to escape the law lead to hilarious consequences.

For those of you who have time to trawl through literally thousands more Football Sitcoms go here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/606/A34084721

Footballing Heroes: Glenn Helder

Glenn Helder made his debut for Arsenal in 1995 having previously played for various Dutch clubs. Like the vast majority of players signed from the Dutch League he was useless and couldn't score.

When he first arrived at Arsenal he was compared to the great Liam Brady but only because he was left footed and foreign. He is most noted for being George Graham's last signing as Arsenal manager which could feasibly be seen as an act akin to a captain smashing a hole in the hull of his own ship on his final voyage.

Very little is known of Helder's childhood aside from the fact that at the age of five he ran away to join the circus. Originally the circus folk pitted him against other runaway children in bare-knuckle fighting contests, however this was soon stopped after Helder showed an innate inability to ever actually land a punch on his opponent.

In his last fight he was put up against Raymond Van Braincrusher the 8 year old, 16 stone bare knuckle legend. Helder took one look at the giant gypsy and ran. Really, really fast. From then on his circus family would capture wild animals and place bets on which ones young Glenn was faster than. He outran a stoat, a fox, a wild boar, a rabid dog and a bull. However he did lose to a wolf which put an end to his races when he had to be rushed to hospital for severe bite wounds. He was taken into care which is where he learned how to play football.

After making only 27 appearances for the Gunners he was sold off when Arsene Wenger brought in Marc Overmars who not only could run really fast but could also play football.

Nowadays Helder scrapes a living by betting tourists to Amsterdam that he can outrun anything. Unfortunately this is not usually very impressive as his only competition tends to be naked hookers or stoned students. He can be easily identified as the man wearing the t-shirt saying 'I played for Holland' and wearing all four of the caps that he actually, genuinely got upon his head.

Football Sitcoms

Bent Double: Marcus and Darren Bent run a gay bar that only serves doubles. The drunken punters often mistake the two ex-footballers for each other with hilarious consequences.

No Ball Games: Michael Ball is a park caretaker where no ball games are allowed. He is tormented by Ian Games a child who loves to play football with hilarious consequences.

Cissé Boys: Aliou and Djibril Cissé are a transvestite couple who adopt two boys with hilarious consequences.

Dyer Straight: Keiron Dyer is an ex-con who is trying to go straight. He also has lots of homosexual friends but he himself isn't and has to convice girls that he's straight with hilarious consequences.

Gilbert and Sullivan: Kerrea Gilbert and Neil Sullivan are the original odd couple. Fun loving Kerrea is straight-laced Sullivan's lodger and is always trying to get out of paying rent with hilarious consequences.

Parlour Maids: Ray Parlour is a wealthy home owner who is having affairs with both his maids. His attempts to keep both affaors secret from his wife and the other maid leads to...hilarious consequences.

De Friend or Defoe: Jermaine Defoe is transported back in time to the 1970's. Despite his Cockney accent everyone assumes he is from the West Indies. Jermaine has to prove to them that their racial prejudices are unacceptable with hilarious consequences.

Agger Do: Daniel Agger plays a dim-witted handyman's apprentice. In each episode asked if he can do a different job to which he replies: Agger Do! With hilarious consequences.
French Platt: David Platt decides to set up a bakery in rural France his inability to speak the language and his ineptitude at baking lead to hilarious consequences.

Punditry Masterclass

Being a pundit takes more than just being an ex-footballer who can string two words together. Here I have compiled advice from some of the countrys top pundits so you too can become a football expert.

Mark Lawrenson: "To be a top pundit you cannot let your own bias show. For example many people do not realise I used to play for Liverpool because I'm so impartial."

Garth Crooks: "You can't just rely on your host to feed you easy questions, sometimes you have to say something truly original. I for example try to steer clear of cliches. If you don't do that the audience will be sick as a parrot."

Alan Shearer: "A good personality is key. I crack jokes and try to keep things lively all the time. If I just spoke in a dull monotone and only ever let the merest suggestion of an expression cross my face the BBC would dump me like a hot potato."

Alan Hansen: "Variety is the spice of good punditry. Imagine if I just rehashed the same things every week on Match of the Day. That would be shocking. For example getting stuck in against a team like Arsenal is a valid point but the viewers only need to hear it once."

Paul Merson: "Intelligence is key. Well thought out and well structured comments keep the viewers glued to the screen. I'd only embarress myself if I got tongue tied or used mangled metaphors to describe the action."

Andy Gray: "I always respect the other pundit's opinions. I wasn't really much of a player so it would be crazy for me to assume my opinion was worth more than everybody elses."

I hope these handy hints help you become a great pundit. But don't take my word for it Mark Bright took my course and had this to say about it: "I...thought...the course was...good. Didn't I?"

Footballing Heroes: Steve Morrow

Steve Morrow was born in 1970 in Belfast and made his debut for Arsenal in 1992. He was used mainly as a midfielder for Arsenal but was equally inept as a centre back and a full back.
He was often compared to George Best not for his silky skills, not for his ability to consume alcohol and certainly not for his looks. Actually he was never compared to Best, he was just from the same country.
Very little is known about Morrow's past other than his parents claimed they were the rightful heirs to the throne of Ireland. Prince Steve, as he was known growing up, was heralded as the man to join the two seperate Irish nations together crossing religious divides and creating a glorious single country. This didn't happen for many reasons the least of which being Morrow's complete lack of trying.

His regal roots did open many doors for him and at the age of 17 he was confronted with the choice of becoming a footballer or becoming a world famous sword swallower. He chose the sword swallowing route. However in a bizarre incident involving one of a flaming sword he lost most of his hair. This being the main point of strength of any king Morrow decided he would give up his right to the throne and became a footballer instead.

Steve Morrow is most well known for breaking his arm after scoring a goal in the league cup final, just one of the many ways Tony Adams has shown his worth to the club.

After Bruce Rioch put everyone out of their misery and stopped playing Morrow he moved to QPR where he was an instrumental part of their decline.

However while the rest of the players cried at being relegated Steve Morrow danced around the room waving his Cup Winners Cup medal (that he actually really does have) and screaming "I am the Prince of Ireland! Bow down before me!"

The QPR players then battered him into unconciousness, stuck him in a suitcase and left him at Heathrow. He eventually resurfaced in Dallas where he remains recreating his fall from Tony Adams's shoulders, while wearing a crown and swallowing a sword. This daft act earned him the position of head coach of FC Dallas. Crazy Yanks.

Footballing Heroes: David Hillier

Full time party animal and occasional footballer, David Hillier, signed for Arsenal in 1984 as a schoolboy. He was instantly popular in the youth team due to the fact that he was usually stoned out of his mind.

He made his full team debut in 1990 against Chester City. Many Arsenal fans remarked that the pies were good that day. No one remembers Hillier's performance though.

Due to his combative midfield style Hillier is often thought of as a forerunner to the likes of Emmanuel Petit, Patrick Vieira and Mathieu Flamini. However where they had passion and skill Hillier didn't.

Before signing for Arsenal little is known of Hillier's youth although it has been alledged that he was left as a new-born in the backroom of the Rose and Crown in Blackheath. He was brought up by the landlord and landlady despite the fact that they were both from Trinidad and he was clearly a little white london boy.

Growing up with this stigma proved the making of little David, mocked by the casually rascist youths of the seventies David was determined to prove himself better than them and took to dealing cannabis, making him the most popular kid on the block.

This in turn ensured he was always picked first for football and he was soon making his way through the ranks to become a professional.

Hillier was an integral part of the Arsenal team of the nineties although he was left out of the 1993 cup final sides due to a neck injury received by watching the ball fly over his head from defence so often.

He was also left out of the 1994 Cup Winners Cup team due to a psychic telling George Graham if he played him Arsenal would lose. If only he'd also heeded this advice the following year maybe they'd have retained the Cup Winners Cup.

At this time Hillier's off the field antics became more prominent than his on the pitch performances. He had become obsessed with his neck and had taken to wearing neck rings, much like the Kayan women of Thailand.

By the time he left Arsenal for Portsmouth in 1996 his neck was a foot long and despite a superior heading ability he could never reach the heights of his Arsenal career.

Hillier has now retired from football and can currently be found in the pubs of Blackheath letting people take photographs of his 1990/91 league winners medal dangling from his elongated neck in return for a double scotch (neat).

A Plastics Guide To Football

Football was invented in 1992 by Rupert Murdoch. As a way to sell advertising space. Originally he named the sport soccer but despite using it in every single programme Sky have done on the sport it has never caught on.

Because Murdoch is Australian football originally only took place in the winter months leaving the summers free for the Australian national game of cricket. However a cunning flag maker realised he could capitalise on the new sports popularity and increase the sales of his national flags by creating an international tournament played every other summer. Sometimes this is called the World Cup and sometimes it is called the European Championships, no one is certain why but it is believed it is so kit manufacturers can make more money by releasing a different kit for each tournament.

In England their are 20 teams, or clubs, who contest a competition called the Premier League. Out of these clubs only 4 are worth supporting. These are Man Utd, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool. Although no one knows why Liverpool are included in that quartet as they've never won anything.

Originally the league was a free competition where anyone who played in it could win which led to Blackburn once becoming the Premier League champions. Rupert Murdoch was outraged by these events as no one knew where Blackburn was. Subsequently it was decided that Man Utd would win the league from there on in. This monopoly meant that people lost interest so Arsenal and later Chelsea were then allowed to occasionally win the League.

Choosing which team to support is very difficult. Although there are no rules against supporting your local team it is frowned upon. Therefore as a rule if you live in London it is safest to choose Man Utd. However if you come from outside of England you might prefer to choose Arsenal as they are the Premier League's one foreign team.

Football is played in large stadiums, some like Arsenal's and Man Utd's are perfectly safe and even quite pleasant. Some, however, are just huge pits in which local chavs are thrown so that there is an atmosphere at the match. The most well known of these pits is called Stamford Bridge. Of course it is entirely unnecessary to actually go to these stadiums as the BBC show highlights of all the matches on a saturday night.

In recent years there have been calls to have another team come into the big 4. A team called Tottenham have claimed that they should be there instead of Arsenal. This has caused a big rift between the two teams who used to be peaceful neighbours. Despite Tottenham's claims that they can be just as foreign as Arsenal, their stadium is a bigger chav-pit than Chelsea's and they've won just as little as Liverpool seem to have fallen on deaf ears. Perhaps if they moved their stadium up north in order to get a good solid London fan base they might be more succesful.

Remember once you've picked your team there is no guarantee that they'll keep winning things so be prepared to swap at the drop of a hat.

Footballing Heroes: Ian Selley

Ian Selley signed for Arsenal in 1990 at the age of 16. He was immediately heralded as the next Patrick Vieira despite the fact that Patrick Vieira was only 14 at the time and no one had heard of him.
He made his full debut at the age of 18 and instantly garnered a reputation for being a footballer...just.

Selley had grown up on the mean streets of Weybridge and very little is known about his past, although it is rumoured that he was found in a dustbin aged 5 having been raised by badgers. This is vehemently denied by the badger population who claim if they had raised him he would've been able to control a ball.

At 12 Selley joined in his first game of football as he'd previously been scorned by his peers for only eating worms and communicating with a series of growls and purrs. In this game he broke his own leg three times and another boys twice. Not bad as he was only substituted on with 3 minutes left. And that was only as a linesman.

He rocketed through the youth ranks being known for his ferocious tackles and his staunch defence of what he called his 'territory' (handily marked out before the match with his own urine.)

After making his debut for Arsenal he went on to appear far too many times for them. However during this period Selley's presence in the team was instrumental to how Arsenal played at the time, entirely bypassing the midfield and getting it straight up to Ian Wright.

When Wenger arrived in 1996 many people thought Selley would be a crucial part of the Frenchman's team but then at that time most people thought Wenger was an idiot who'd only ever managed in Japan.

Selley was promptly sold to lower league Fulham where nothing of note has ever happened. Eventually Selley returned to his set in Weybridge where he happily divides his time between suckling his young and gazing at his Cup Winners Cup medal that he actually, genuinely has. No, really he does.

A Garlic-Munchers Guide to Arsenal

Arsenal FC were formed in 1989 when Michael Thomas willed himself into existence with less than a minute left of the 88/89 season. Luckily his self-creation opened a wormhole in the space time continuum and allowed another ten players from alternative dimensions to enter the field of play. This was probably the most unusual thing to happen at Anfield since 1962 when the entire away support left the game without having had the wheels nicked off their cars.
The team was put under the care of Scotsman George Graham. Everyone was shocked and appalled that an English team could have a foreign manager and made Arsenal sign a declaration that in the future they would only ever have a manager who was born within 20 miles of there home ground.
In 1996 Arsenal briefly moved Highbury to Strasbourg when, entirely by coincidence, they signed Arsene Wenger as the club's manager. It was of course the first time Arsenal had ever changed location although in the early 20th century Rand McNally released a highly innaccurate map of London which placed Woolwich in the Highbury and Islington area which has caused much confusion to this day.

Between '89 and '96 the club had achieved a decent amount of success by adopting the unusual tactic of tying their defenders together so that when one stepped forward to catch an opposing player offside the others had no choice but to follow.

This tactic proved unpopular with the fans and it wasn't until Arsene Wenger brought his scissors to Highbury and set the defence free that Arsenal garnered a strong fanbase. Although it has been said that the vast amount of these new fans were led here by Wenger from France. It is alleged that they followed a trail of garlic through the Channel Tunnel.

Since 1996 Arsenal have been a highly successful team, mainly thanks to an orphanage in France which was set up by Arsene Wenger to train young men how to play football. Because of the success of this orphanage similar projects have been set up in the Ivory Coast, Brazil and Spain. But not in England.

Despite being one of the most successful and sought after managers in modern football, Arsene Wenger's policy of only using his orphanage graduates has led to a large amount of criticism and forced the Arsenal board to close them down, saying they could easily cope without them. To counter this measure Wenger bought promising young Englishman Francis Jeffers to the club. Soon after this the board lifted the ban on orphanages. Mysteriously they have never stated their reasons why.

In recent years the club has suffered a slump in form. However, with his devoted following of garlic munchers and his un-ending supply of orphans it is surely only a matter of time before Arsene Wenger brings the glory days back to Arsenal.

A Chav's Guide to Chelsea

Chelsea were formed in 2003 when Russian oil magnate Roman Abramovich was bet by Vladimir Putin that he couldn't spend £500m in two years.

The team was named after an infamous group of violent youths, the Chelsea Headhunters. This was to give the club a tough image that would frighten opposing teams, however it has led to the belief that Abramovich is actually a criminal from the russian underworld and Chelsea is just a legitimate front for his other dodgy dealings. This is not true and anyone who says otherwise will get their knees broken.

The clubs stadium was built on the site of an old School for English that did a sterling job teaching non-english speakers our language. As a mark of respect for the school Abramovich gave the role of manager of Chelsea to the school's star pupil, Claudio Ranieri.

Ranieri's previous job as a stonemason enabled him to create a team full of granite monoliths which he felt would compete for the league. He gave them life by placing the rare mineral Vanadinite into their heads. However he struggled to choose which of the 20,000 stone men he'd created should play and so swapped his line up for each game. A tactic for which he was often criticised, however it has been taken on by fellow English student Rafa Benitez in recent years.

When Abramovich realised he'd never win anything worthwile with Ranieri in charge he dismissed him and replaced him with the self-effacing Jose Mourinho. Mourinho's first task was to get rid of the surplus granite men, also known as Chelsea's Animated Vanadinite Stonemen or Chavs. He decided only to keep only one of them for the team, lumbering central defender John Terry. The other 19,999 became the core of the clubs supproters. Most of them still turn up for champions league games.

Mourinho then set about creating a Premiership winning team by reading the News of the World and finding out who other teams were after, he would then send some of Abramovich's entirely legal hired goons to their houses and make them an offer they couldn't refuse. In an entirely legal manner.

Despite removing the vast amount of granite players from his team and replacing them with some of the most skillful and talented players in the world (and Frank Lampard) Mourinho still instructed his players to play like lumps of rock.

This brought a substantial amount of success to the club and the formally shy and retiring Mourinho soon became an outspoken figure of fun causing Abramovich to replace him with an extra from a Hammer horror film.

The league titles appear to have dried up in recent years but who knows with a cross between Dracula and Kermit the Frog in charge and the army of brainless stone Chav's behind them perhaps the glory days will soon return to Chelsea F.C.

A Plastic's Guide to Man United

Manchester United were formed in 1992 in Guildford. This was during the Great Oxygen Famine in Manchester. Half the population of the city turned blue, the rest moved to Surrey.

The club takes it's name from the famous Manchester United team of the 50's and 60's who sadly became defunct after legendary player George Best chopped up the entire stadium and snorted it up his nose.

In 1992 Alex Ferguson, the Man U manager, gave birth to the 34 year old Bryan Robson who he instantly installed as the Captain of the team. Despite only being with the club a short time Robson has become a legend for club and country despite never mastering the English language.

The club dominated domestic football throughout the 90's despite having a tiny fanbase. To counter this the club melted down vast amounts of plastic and shaped them into human form and filled the empty seats with these 'plastics'. In November 1992 lightning struck the stadium giving life to all the plastic fans. However, they have struggled to adapt to normal society and are generally looked down on by the general populace mainly due to their addiction to prawns.

In the mid nineties Alex Ferguson spawned multiple offspring, the most notable being Roy Keane who took over as captain of the club and Eric Cantona who was blessed with being the greatest human being ever to walk the earth. Both players were mild-mannered and loved by opposing teams and fans, never more so than when Cantona gave a Crystal Palace supporter a free Kung Fu lesson in front of a record crowd of 24 at Selhurst Park.

After giving birth to a generation of English talent Ferguson appears to have become barren and now relies on kidnapping other teams players and brainwashing the players to believe they've always been at Man Utd. Players such as Veron and Djemba-Djemba who proved too strong to succumb have told of the trauma of those days at Old Trafford, saying Ferguson always favoured his own children. Spoiling them by giving them presents such as a football boot to the head.

In 1999 the club won the 'treble'. To celebrate the plastics all burnt the year onto their foreheads and now just point at the four digits when anyone questions their loyalty to the team.The current team has been heralded by the now knighted Sir Alex Ferguson as the best he's ever had. Despite his obvious senility he still retains his position as one of the most respected in the game as his team again battle for the league and Champions League glory. The fact that the can only win two trophies this year has prompted some of the plastics to contemplate adding 'never again' below the 1999 on their foreheads. But who knows perhaps Fergie will recover his fertility and the glory days will come again.