The Glory Hunters: Pre-Season Friendlies

Previously on The Glory Hunters: When Eric eats a banana an amazing transformation occurs. Eric is Bananaman! No, sorry, what I mean is Clive Chives and Tarquin meet every week at the Slug and Lettuce to discuss their miniscule knowledge of football and letch over the Czech barmaid, Karina.

Clive: Hello Tarquers my old chummeroonie!

Tarquin: Are you ok?

Clive: I got out of work a touch early today so I've already had drinky-poo, I think I'm a bit squiffy to be honest.

Tarquin: What did you have?

Clive: I believe it's called a Magners.

Tarquin: I'll have one of them then.

Clive: So have you decided what team to support yet?

Tarquin: Well I noticed that Arsenal are on TV quite a bit over the summer. The Elements Cup and the Hamster-cam Tournament I think.

Clive: Hamster-cam?

Tarquin: Yep, must be the sponsors. Hamster-cam, CCTV for hamster cages I guess.

Clive: Hmm, I wonder if they'd do one for dog baskets, I'd hate for something to happen to Lord Paw-Paw while I was out. So are you planning on sticking with Arsenal then?

Tarquin: Well only if they win these cups. I mean two trophies, that'd match your lot's achievements wouldn't it.

Clive: It would. Gosh I hope my Manchester United boys play in some tournaments so they can stay ahead of Arsenal. I heard something about the Olimpets, maybe they could enter that.

Tarquin: They may well do, my old chummer, they may well do.

Clive: So what do you think about the Magners then?

Tarquin: Not bad, it's like apple beer or something. I can't believe no one thought of it before. Are you ok chummer?

Clive: I think I'm going to be sick. Don't let the Polish sort see me. Bleeeeeuurrrgghhh.

Tarquin: I think she's Czechoslovakian, Clive. Oh dear. That'll never come out of corduroy chummer.

Arsenal v Spurs: What You May Have Missed

0 mins: After losing the toss Robbie Keane wheels around, arms aloft, to appeal the decision.

5 mins: Ref tells Eboue that the two teams used up their quota of derby goals in the last match and no matter what happens the match will end 0-0.

6 mins: Eboue thinks 'the shops are open 'til 5 on a Sunday, if I get sent off I can still get the missus a Valentine's Day card.'

20 mins: Ledley King staggers onto the pitch holding a rifle and shoots Gael Clichy in the head. Causing him to require treatment from the physio. The Spurs fans chant 'Same old Arsenal, always cheating.'

45 mins: Ref blows for half time. Robbie Keane wheels around, arms aloft, to appeal the decision.

60 mins: Eboue, having been sent off and nipping to the shops, returns with a bag of pick 'n' mix. Wenger is furious, he didn't get any cola bottles.> > 81 mins: Niklas Bendtner does something quite good. Everyone is stunned.

90 mins: Ref blows for full time. Robbie Keane wheels around, arms aloft, to appeal the decision.